Tag Archives: Bob Dylan

Forever Young

“May you build a ladder to the stars …” Bob Dylan as Transman. “May I have more cake?” Jakob Dylan as Son 2. Transman still digs opening his sodas with a can opener and he looks damn good in a hat.

Transman’s youngest recently had a birthday and it’s been an eventful year for the whole Transclan, what with Son 1 being a full-fledged teenager and Transman starting testosterone. (Son 1 accused his Transdaddy of “doping” to gain unfair advantage in the “bad teenage mustache” growing competition.) Transman figures he needs to lighten the mood around here after the past few posts, so here’s the weekend in pictures:

Transman woke up bright and early with many plans for a delightful day.

“I must drink a pot of coffee and enjoy myself before the kids wake up!” (That’s a candy cigarette, I swear. Lighting them on fire carmelizes the sugar.)

Then, he did a little exercise.

“I swear this is yoga. George Harrison taught me this before the Concert for Bangladesh.”

“And then I gave him a right hook …”

“Don’t you lie to the people, Transman.” Muhammad Ali as himself.

“Okay, so I really played with an old whitewall tire I found beside the Dumpster.”

Then, Transman took a shower and got cleaned up.

“I hate when the seam of my socks rubs my toes.” (Transman is addicted to candy cigarettes. Who doesn’t love that chalky taste?)

After that, he helped decorate for the party.

“Between my asthma and all those candy cigarettes, I feel like I’m gonna burst a lung here.”

He led the kids in a game of “What Time Is It, Mr. Wolf?” followed by a round of “Red Light, Green Light.”

“How many times do I have to tell you this is not a contact sport? Take four steps back.”

Finally, they had cake.

“Blow this damn thing out before the building catches on fire.”

P.S. Allan: I hope you’re happy.

Look Amazon lady, I’m not that short!

Transman and his pal, Cristy Carrington Lewis http://paltrymeanderings.com/ have an ongoing conversation wherein she tells him how short he is and he reminds her that she is supermodel freakishly tall. Not that it matters, but Transman decided to look up the heights of some well-known natal males to prove to his Amazonian friend that he is well within the “average” for an American man. Sure, he’s cheating and using some pretty un-average guys to make himself feel better prove his point.

At 5’7″, Transman is the same size as or taller than the following:

Willem Dafoe (reported height 5’7″-5’9″)

"I've got the balls to play both The Green Goblin and Jesus." Image:dibou.com Photo by Andrew MacPherson.

Al Pacino (reported height 5’5″-5’6″)

"I get by on smoldering intensity." Image: corrinesmovieblog.blogspot.com

Tim Roth (reported height 5’6″-5.7″)

"Just stare them down until they look away." Image: allcelebspics.com

Willie Nelson (reported height 5’6″)

"Like vertical stripes, braids make you look taller. Carry a guitar; it adds a foot to your height." Image:arcrecords.com

Bob Dylan (reported height 5’7″)

"Hey, uh, Willie's, y'know, right about the uh, guitar. Don't, uh, underestimate what a, uh, few, uh, inches of hair can do, either." Image:jewishjournal.com

Spike Lee (reported height 5’6″)

"Somebody called you short and you let it get under your skin? Seriously? Seriously?! You don't have anything more important to worry about?" Image:collide.com

Transman knows Spike’s right. There are more important things to get his boxers in a bunch over, but being on the low side of average can suck for a guy. Women are conditioned from childhood to expect and wish for “tall, dark, and handsome” princes to sweep them off their feet.

When you hear heroes in stories described as “strapping,” “towering,” “rangy,” “lanky,” etc., and you know you’ll always be “scrappy,” “tiny,” “little,” or “shrimpy,” it can be disheartening. You know you’ll never be the hero or the handsome prince. You’re relegated to side-kick territory. You might get to be the smart geek who figures out a crucial piece of the puzzle, but you don’t get to be the guy who can save the damsel in distress.

Women don’t totally avoid short men. While it is real disadvantage in the dating game to be short, it’s not quite the deal-breaker it is in, say, basketball. Short guys usually learn early that they have to work harder to get attention in any situation, so many of us develop a sense of humor–it also helps put bullies in their place when we don’t have the muscle to beat them into the ground (of course, short men must also develop a good sense of timing so they stop joking before fists start flying). Many women claim that a sense of humor can make a man instantly more appealing. Apparently, it helps if the short man has some kind of talent and money-making skill:

Shooter Jennings and Drea de Matteo. Image: InStyle.com

Mick Jagger and L'Wren Scott. Image: jamesallen.com

Height can be a source of anxiety for transfolks, no matter which direction they’re going.  For transmen, being short–especially if a guy stacks up under the 5’5″ mark–can make them worry about their ability to be seen as men–especially if they don’t use hormones to bring on secondary sex characteristics like facial hair and a deeper voice. For my transsisters, being “too tall” can be a worry when they first start the journey because even natal girls who are over 5’9″ stand out. If you’re over 6 feet tall and have a deep voice and five o’clock shadow that shows even under makeup, it can make others examine you a little more closely. Most of the transfolks I know don’t want to stand out. We want to blend and just be another woman or man on the street.

I know two lovely ladies who both hit the 6’5″ mark, but they are seen as the women they are 100 percent of the time. Part of their success is in the clothes they choose and the way they wear their makeup, but most of it is the way they carry themselves. They have the confidence to be themselves–neither one overdoes stereotypical “feminine” behaviors.  They each have a little tomboy streak–they’re able to do basic car repairs and one still loves sports. They let boyish things from their past be part of the women they are today, which lets others see them as real women, because no one is fully male or fully female in every thing we do.

Having the confidence to embrace things from your past as well as the things you want to attain makes us authentically human. Many transfolks have a hard time holding onto anything that they associate with their former selves. Transman can’t shed his past–he’s too old and has too many accomplishments under his old name to throw those away; he also feels like it’s a rejection of the people and events that shaped him.

Probably the most defining part of his self is parenthood. He wouldn’t be nearly the man he is if he hadn’t had children. Having children the old-fashioned way is not be something that natal men can experience, but Transman will never be sorry he has that bond with his children. The body he hated helped bring them into the world and nourished them. He is a better man and a better person because of his children. He has learned to nurture, protect, and provide for them; they teach him every day how to see the world in a new way. Transman has learned the strongest form of love from them–unconditional, pure, total love. He would never reject that or try to erase that part of his life.

Robbie Coltrane as Transman's son. Jim Broadbent as Transman. Image:poptower.com

Transman only has a little anxiety over the fact that his sons are going to top out somewhere over the six-foot mark. One already can look down onto the top of the refrigerator (which is handy because now he can clean off that weird filmy gunk that lives on top of refrigerators). Transman feels a little like anyone else standing next to Hagrid when his gargantuan offspring is around.

At least Transman’s not a celebrity and doesn’t have to have the media tracking the fact that his kids are all heading for the NBA while Transman needs to check on his options to be a jockey. Poor, poor Al Pacino: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2076909/Al-Pacino-dwarfed-10-year-old-son-Anton.html

What kinda map you using?

"Look, Transman, you're getting to be a pain in the ass." Image: dietcokeandsympathy.blogspot.com

Best search engine terms that led people here:

“What to (sic) guys mean by ‘You wanna go out?’?” -- Honey, guys mean, “Can we have sex?” …unless we’re talking to a dog that’s pawing at the back door and whining.

“Willy Wonka adventures” — Transman wonders what kind of ‘adventures’ people seek with Willy Wonka.

“trans-man peeing” — Speaking of transmen peeing, Transman finds this advice–from a source on trasitioning that shall remain nameless–hilarious: “If you choose to sit while urinating in the stall of a men’s bathroom, sit as close to the edge of the toilet as you can, so your urine stream will sound more like that of a cisguy.” Who the hell listens that closely to other people peeing? Just fart and grunt to cover the sound if you’re that paranoid.

“tranman movie” — Yes, it was spelled “tranman.” Transman was reminded of when his son modified the Batman theme just for him: “Duh-nuh-na-na-na-na Transman!”

“shirtless transman” –Transman doesn’t go shirtless except in the shower. And even then, he doesn’t look down. He won’t be posting any nakeybutt pictures of himself anytime soon.

"Transman, don't hate me because I'm tall, beautiful and funny."

“short transman” — Transman is not that short. Why do people keep saying that? He is taller than many other men. He’s definitely taller than Tom Cruise, Muggsy Bogues, and Mel Hirsch (unless they’re stacked up like a totem pole). He can look Spud Webb in the eye. So there. In your face Randy Newman and Cristy Carrington Lewis! Not-so-Short Transman Do Got a Reason to Live.  http://paltrymeanderings.com/

“waylons in leather vest” — The plural of Waylon is Waylons. “That there’s a whole heard of Waylons and they’s all wearing leather vests!”

“him in a dress” — We all have our secret desires, I guess.

"What about me, Transman? Why can't Old Neil come to the party?" Image: CBSnews.com

“Keith Richards beard” — Other than as a costume in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Keef’s never gone for the beard. He did grow a scraggly mustache when he was hanging out with the movie stars and it was almost as creepy as Bob Dylan’s foray into the John Waters-style pencil mustache. Now that would be a fun dinner party: Keith, Bob, and John Waters. Transman would invite Terry Bradshaw just for the hell of it. And serve them nothing but boiled eggs and whiskey sours. “Who wants to play Pictionary?!”

“Voodoo dolly” — A children’s story in the making: “Transman has a tummy ache. Transman wants to cuddle up with his voodoo dolly.”

and something in Russian

Transman hopes the blog proved educational for the curious who stumbled across it via Google and Yahoo searches. Does anyone use Dogpile anymore? What about card catalogs? Raise your hand if you remember the card catalog.


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