“This joke is so old … it may even be older than me,” the resplendent-in-polka dots Abe Vigoda is not amused.
Just like Mr. Abe Vigoda, Transman is still alive. He’s just busy. Or lazy. Or both. Enjoy your weekend.
Son 1 and Transman welcome Marilyn Manson and Alice Cooper to the house. Marilyn is shocked to find out that Transman and family are weird even without makeup.
That dance party that started on Wednesday has kept on rollin’. Transman took off his Godzilla outfit and called up the rest of his friends for full-on jollification.
“… and then I smeared my chest with peanut butter and rolled around in broken glass. Yep, those were the days,” Iggy Pop waxes nostalgic to Kate Moss as Transman wonders if his hat is perched jauntily or is just plain lopsided.
“I brought you a giant inflatable guitar!” Ozzy tells Son 1 who smiles on the outside and seethes on the inside as he thinks, “You really don’t know me at all, do you?”
“Gosh, Le Clown, I’m so glad you could make it,” Transman says. “Yeah, me too. I should have brought you some shampoo. Have you ever tried shampoo? Or a brush?”
“Would you mind zipping down to the corner store and getting some more charcoal for the grill? The kids want more hot dogs. We could use another bag of ice and some chips, too. You’re a real peach!” Transman tells Sir Paul McCartney.
“I love your hair!” The Queen tells Son 1 as she hands him a bouquet. “Thanks lady, but I’m allergic to flowers; plus, I gotta put my little brother to bed. You can just dump those in the kitchen some place.”
“Whaddaya say we blow this popsicle stand?” Groucho says to Jack Nicholson. “Yeah, I like Rockin’ Sidney and all, but this party blows,” Jack says.
“Man, Transman needs all the help he can get,” Jimi Hendrix adds some ‘cool’ to Transman’s shindig. He also adds some secondhand smoke, which is not cool.
If you remember a couple of posts back, Transman thought about what his love life might look like one day. If you don’t remember, here it is with Godzilla once again reprising his role as Transman:
“I love you so much, I won’t stomp on your city,” Transman tells his love.
Transman got to thinking about what great fun it would be to have a holiday party or just a unholiday party (which is not unlike the unbirthday in Alice in Wonderland) and invite his friends over to dance with him and Mrs. Transman. Here is what that would look like:
“Let your backbone slip!” Mrs. Transman encourages her scaly husband. “All of my discs have slipped,” he replies.
Here’s the playlist so you can dance along at home:
Wilson Pickett tearing it up in Africa in 1971
James Brown gets everybody up offa that thing
Frankie Smith has his funky bus fare
The Meters bring a funky miracle
Lee Dorsey calms things down a bit, but keeps it funky
Transman has set up a little home gym in his living room. When he puts the equipment to use, he feels like he must look exactly like this:
“Who keeps stealing my shampoo?! I just worked out. I reek of onions and sweat socks! I need that Tea Tree Oil and Sandalwood-scented shit!!!” Hugh Jackman as Transman.
But, really, this is probably closer to the truth:
“Where the hell are my feet? I know they’re there, but for the life of me I just can’t see ‘em! … I swear to god I can still touch my elbows!” Jack Nicholson as Transman.
P.S. Dear Mr. Nicholson, please don’t hunt me down and kill me. You are far scarier and more badass than The Wolverine any day of the week.
* In reference to James Thurber not Stevie Wonder (by way of Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird). If you don’t get any of those references, you need to get to Googlin’ or better yet, make friends with a librarian who can help you find out all kinds of crap and who will actually smile at you and probably not share your weird searches with the government.
“You look like a goat and you smell like one too!” sent with love from Transman’s sister.
Transman recently had a birthday. No, no, you don’t have to sing or send presents, Dear Readers. Just your presence is enough of a present for him.
Anyhoo, when Transman’s family sent him cards this year, they took pains to find boy themed cards. His dad even took the step to use Transman’s initials instead of the old name. It sounds small, but those little acknowledgements or bridges mean a lot because they imply that his family members are trying to come to terms with who Transman is. They may be struggling to use his male name or the correct pronouns consistently, but the fact that they are even trying is one of the best gifts they could give him.
A super cool rocket ship card because the actual card Transman’s father sent can’t be shared on the internet and still keep this a PG-13 blog. Yes, shocking as it might be, the Old Man has a ribald streak.
While Transman would like to brag that he has matured after the first few decades of life, that would be nothing but a great big lie. He blew all his birthday money on comic books and candy.
“I had better blow out these candles before they set fire to the house. I wonder if that ribbon is edible?” Cary Grant as Transman celebrating another spin on the planet.