Dear Ms. Judd and Ms. Fey:
Thank you both for driving so many readers to my blog. As I look through the search terms people use to find their way to The Adventures of Transman, you two are by far the holy grail people are seeking on the internet. Well, actually, from the search terms, your naked bodies and Ms. Judd’s feet drive people on cyberquests that land them here–here in the land of Transman where, it should be noted, that no pictures highlighting your bodies or Ms. Judd’s feet have ever been posted.
Ms. Judd, 210 people have found their way here, 124 of which want to see your bare feet. Thirty-four people want to see pictures of you after you have gone swimming in your clothes or been caught in a downpour without an umbrella. Twenty three people have been searching for images of your keester. Twenty want to see you “hot”–they do not specify whether they are seeking pictures of you sweating or simply “lookin’ fine” as the kids like to say. Nine people want to see “Ashley Judd” plain and simple.
Ms. Fey, the 179 people stalking you via my blog seem to mostly overlook your fine writing and comedic talents and want to see pictures of you in various states of undress or want close-ups of specific parts of your body. Of the total, 129 would like to see pictures where you have forgotten to put on a shirt. Eight want to see you in tight jeans; five want to see your tuchus; and 37 want to see you “hot.” Like with Ms. Judd, they do not specify which definition of “hot” they are using.
I am, understandably, I think, disappointed that people have reduced both of you down to your bodies. I would be thrilled if people got misdirected to this blog by searching for things like “Ashley Judd Humanitarian missions” or “Tina Fey Mercy Corps.” I wouldn’t mind them finding their way here looking for your filmographies or writing credits.
Together, we can fight this objectification!
Feel free to use The Adventures of Transman as your platform for announcing all the new and better things you are doing. Whether you are raising funds for wildlife, fighting racism and injustice, battling childhood diseases and human trafficking or writing a sitcom that will debut on the BBC or something, please shout it from the rooftops and this blog. Let Transman be your personal publicist. You just tell me what you’re up to and I will announce it to the world … or at least the hundreds of people who are perusing this blog just for the hopes of a glimpse of one or both of you and your unclad ankles. We shall deflect their attention from your bodies to your brains. By golly, we shall win them over! When we are done, the whole world will appreciate every single thing about you and your accomplishments and hard work on the behalf of others.