A short break

"I'm just going to freshen up a bit. I'll be back in a bit!" Cary Grant as Transman.

“I’m just going to freshen up. I’ll be back in a bit!” Cary Grant as Transman. 

Transman is taking a short break to work on the book version of his story, and while he loves each and every one of you, he finds that you’re all a bunch of procrastination enablers! Because you’re all so fascinating, funny, and insightful, he gets nothing done. So, for the next few weeks, Transman is taking a break to regroup and write. … but, don’t worry; each of you is irresistible and it’s only a matter of time until Transman’s resolve breaks and he is back to “liking” and commenting on posts. So, “Ciao, babies! See you soon!”


Tune in tomorrow

"Did Pa really bring us a radio so we can listen to Transman?!" little Elizabeth Walton asked, incredulous. "He sure did, Elizabeth, he sure did," John Boy said.

“Did Pa really bring us a radio so we can listen to Transman?!” little Elizabeth Walton asked, incredulous. “He sure did, Elizabeth, he sure did,” John-Boy said.

That’s right, Transman is going to be a media double-threat–blogs and radio shows. Carlette Norwood‘s interview with Transman will air tomorrow, January 15, at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Never fear, gentle reader, you don’t need to go out and get yourself a great big old-fashioned radio to hear it. Carlette’s show, Lette’s Chat, is on Blog Talk Radio. All you have to do is click here to be taken to the link.

"Wow, that Transman sounds taller than I expected. Dig it!" Jack Kerouac tunes in.

“Wow, that Transman sounds taller than I expected. Dig it, baby!” Jack Kerouac tunes in.


Resolutions … a week and a half late

"We'd both like sprinkles!" Cary Grant as Transman. Audrey Hepburn as his imaginary girlfriend.

“We’d both like sprinkles!” Cary Grant as Transman. Audrey Hepburn as his imaginary girlfriend.

Because Transman always arrives fashionably late, he put off making any sort of New Year’s resolutions until this evening. He’s not even making resolutions. Just some vague goals.

Eat a little better. He is going to to wean himself from processed foods as best as he can … not necessarily for his health. More for his wallet. He figures he could save a bundle by making food ahead of time and portioning it out for reheating later. Of course this leads to other vague goals like getting organized, investing in a deep freezer and possibly a deli slicer, and actually cooking. Screw that. Transman’s eating nothing but pizza rolls and Klondike bars for the next year.

"Why does none of this contain 'processed cheese food'?"

“Why does this not contain ‘processed cheese food’?”

Getting into shape. Sort of. Oh, don’t worry, he’s gonna take it slow. Last year, Transman invested in a heavy bag and an exercise bike. He even got on the bike like four times. He nudges the heavy bag when he passes by it in the living room. He may move it over in front of the TV so he has to knock it out of the way to see what’s happening on screen. Or, he might not. He doesn’t want to injure himself.

"I love the fresh salt air and my white short shorts!" Cary Grant as Transman and the lovely Betsy Drake as his other invisible girlfriend. (Apparently, Transman is gonna be popular in 2014!)

“I love the fresh salt air and my white short shorts!” Cary Grant as Transman and the lovely Betsy Drake as his other imaginary girlfriend. (Apparently, Transman is gonna be popular in 2014!)

Be more social. Transman isn’t exactly a hermit, but he’s awful close. If he didn’t have to leave the house for work and chauffeuring duties, Transman would likely almost never see the sun or other people. And, he’s perfectly okay with that. But, it kind of freaks out other people. To stop those incessant “we haven’t seen you in months … are you dead?!?” calls, Transman is going to make a concerted effort to go someplace where other people are gathered, make small talk with a few, possibly let one of them take a badly cropped portrait of the two of them mugging for the camera so the person can post it on all their social media accounts. Noooo. This is the early April Fool’s Day joke from Transman. He’s not leaving the cave except for when absolutely necessary. And to clear the mailbox of all the junk mail once or twice a week.

"... workin' at the car wash ... Everybody sing!" Transman and Asta are the party.

“… workin’ at the car wash … Everybody sing!” Transman and Asta are the party.

Read more. He’s no longer in school. Transman can read for fun. He can read any damn thing he wants and does not need to write a report on it, incorporate it into a dissertation, or even finish it if it is truly crappy. This is one resolution Transman might even follow through on. Why, he might even go down to the comic book store first thing in the morning!

"You did the crossword puzzle in crayon again?!" Debora Kerr as Transman's latest girlfriend.

“You did the crossword puzzle in crayon again?!” Debora Kerr as Transman’s latest girlfriend. (As soon as I figure out what cologne Transman has been wearing to attract all these lovely ladies, I will pass the word.)

Pamper himself. You read that right. And, here is Transman’s manifesto: From this day forward, keeping a roof over the heads of kids and cats, cooking, attempting to clean, helping with homework, and setting the standard for impeccable taste in both clothes and music shall be rewarded with 10 silent minutes to himself. Anyone asking for water; catnip; food; socks; a ride; help in a video game; a screwdriver, hammer, or other tool; ten bucks; help getting soap out of the eyes, etc., will be banished from the room and the 10-minute relaxation period shall start again.

"When you are this good looking, one mirror just will not do!"

“When you are this good looking, one mirror just will not do!”


Open Letter to Ashley Judd and Tina Fey

"I'm sorry, I can't say any more ... you'll just have to read Transman's blog," Ashley Judd tells the ever-hounding media.

“I’m sorry, I can’t say any more … you’ll just have to read Transman’s blog or mine. Oh, read his first and then mine,” Ashley Judd tells the ever-hounding media.

Dear Ms. Judd and Ms. Fey:

Thank you both for driving so many readers to my blog. As I look through the search terms people use to find their way to The Adventures of Transman, you two are by far the holy grail people are seeking on the internet. Well, actually, from the search terms, your naked bodies and Ms. Judd’s feet drive people on cyberquests that land them here–here in the land of Transman where, it should be noted, that no pictures highlighting your bodies or Ms. Judd’s feet have ever been posted.

Ms. Judd, 210 people have found their way here, 124 of which want to see your bare feet. Thirty-four people want to see pictures of you after you have gone swimming in your clothes or been caught in a downpour without an umbrella. Twenty three people have been searching for images of your keester. Twenty want to see you “hot”–they do not specify whether they are seeking pictures of you sweating or simply “lookin’ fine” as the kids like to say. Nine people want to see “Ashley Judd” plain and simple.

Ms. Fey, the 179 people stalking you via my blog seem to mostly overlook your fine writing and comedic talents and want to see pictures of you in various states of undress or want close-ups of specific parts of your body. Of the total, 129 would like to see pictures where you have forgotten to put on a shirt. Eight want to see you in tight jeans; five want to see your tuchus; and 37 want to see you “hot.” Like with Ms. Judd, they do not specify which definition of “hot” they are using.

I am, understandably, I think, disappointed that people have reduced both of you down to your bodies. I would be thrilled if people got misdirected to this blog by searching for things like “Ashley Judd Humanitarian missions” or “Tina Fey Mercy Corps.” I wouldn’t mind them finding their way here looking for your filmographies or writing credits.

Together, we can fight this objectification!

Feel free to use The Adventures of Transman as your platform for announcing all the new and better things you are doing. Whether you are raising funds for wildlife, fighting racism and injustice, battling childhood diseases and human trafficking or writing a sitcom that will debut on the BBC or something, please shout it from the rooftops and this blog. Let Transman be  your personal publicist. You just tell me what you’re up to and I will announce it to the world … or at least the hundreds of people who are perusing this blog just for the hopes of a glimpse of one or both of you and your unclad ankles. We shall deflect their attention from your bodies to your brains. By golly, we shall win them over! When we are done, the whole world will appreciate every single thing about you and your accomplishments and hard work on the behalf of others.

Sincerely,

Transman

"I just had an idea for yet another hit TV show! I better call Transman right away!" Tina Fey daydreams.

“I just had an idea for yet another hit TV show! I better call Transman right away!” Tina Fey takes a tiny work break. “Oh, I’ll call him after I finish this last chapter of my new book. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.”


‘You Should Be on the Radio!’

Avoiding the public's gaze--Transman as a big-headed celebrity.

Avoiding the public’s gaze–Transman as a big-headed celebrity.

Once upon a time, Transman worked on the copy desk of a newspaper. As he and his fellow copy editors put together the paper, they would write mock headlines and make jokes about the news. They filled the air with bad puns and enough wordplay to make even Stephen Fry shake his head in dismay. The Copy Desk Chief, when he tired of their shenanigans, would peer at them over his half-rim glasses and say, “You’re all hilarious. You should be on the radio … but you’re not; you’re here. Get back to work!”

In his own way, the Copy Desk Chief was psychic. Carlette Norwood of Lette’s Chat has invited Transman to be her guest on Jan. 15. Copy Desk Chief would be so proud! He would also be impressed that his beloved medium of radio has moved to the internet. “How do they fit all those tiny people into my computer?!?” he would ask in wonder. Well, wonder no more, Copy Desk Chief, wonder no more … just tune in.


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