The dulcet tones of Transman?

"Hey, Transman! I've got a hot tip for ya!" John Turturro as Ex.

“Hey, Transman! I’ve got a hot tip for ya! … but, there’s a slight catch.” John Turturro as Ex.

Once upon a time, Transman had a life as a journalist. He interviewed shuffleboard champions, rodeo clowns, musicians, artists, 4-H speech winners, and the occasional mayor or chief of police. His ex recently called to talk to the kids and then said, “Hey, I am going to send you Famous Actor’s phone number. I talked to him tonight and he said you can call.”

Famous Actor grew up not too far from Ex and their families are friendly and all.

Transman’s hackles went up in suspicion. While he appreciated the gesture, he was sure Ex was up to something, or at the very least, hadn’t thought this whole thing through.

“How should I introduce myself?” Transman asked. “As your friend or something?”

“Use your old name and say you’re my ex-wife,” Ex said.

Transman said, “I’m trying to save you some embarrassment here  since you haven’t told your family anything about me. My voice has changed and people assume I’m a man.”

Ex chuckled. “Your voice hasn’t changed a bit. You sound exactly the same. You sound like a woman.”

Transman thought, um-hmm, but he just said, “Well, thanks for thinking of me and getting the number.”

Transman won’t call, but he is sure tempted to–and to go with Ex’s strategy of saying that they were once married. He chuckles in delight at the thought of Famous Actor going around town talking about how “Ex’s husband from America” had called him.

"Are you out of your mind, Ex? Famous Actor won't buy it for a minute that my voice is all due to allergies and candy cigarette addiction."

“Are you out of your mind, Ex? Famous Actor won’t buy it for a minute that my voice is all due to allergies and candy cigarette addiction.” Johnny Depp as Transman.


‘Dress for the job you want, not the one you have’

Haruo Nakajima as Transman putting on his Godzilla pants.

Haruo Nakajima as Transman putting on his Godzilla pants.

There is an old saw in the business world that one should not dress for the position one holds, but rather for the position one wants. Transman wants to be Godzilla. So, tomorrow, when he wakes up, he’s putting on his Godzilla pants and going to work. Stomping stuff and breathing fire. Then, at around 10:30, he will take a little break.

"Did you get the memo I sent you?" Transman's boss interrupts the tea break.

“Did you get the memo I sent you?” Transman’s boss interrupts the tea break.

Stay inspired. Keep your eye on the prize. Envision the cardboard cities you can destroy. Never let your dreams die!


A short break

"I'm just going to freshen up a bit. I'll be back in a bit!" Cary Grant as Transman.

“I’m just going to freshen up. I’ll be back in a bit!” Cary Grant as Transman. 

Transman is taking a short break to work on the book version of his story, and while he loves each and every one of you, he finds that you’re all a bunch of procrastination enablers! Because you’re all so fascinating, funny, and insightful, he gets nothing done. So, for the next few weeks, Transman is taking a break to regroup and write. … but, don’t worry; each of you is irresistible and it’s only a matter of time until Transman’s resolve breaks and he is back to “liking” and commenting on posts. So, “Ciao, babies! See you soon!”


Tune in tomorrow

"Did Pa really bring us a radio so we can listen to Transman?!" little Elizabeth Walton asked, incredulous. "He sure did, Elizabeth, he sure did," John Boy said.

“Did Pa really bring us a radio so we can listen to Transman?!” little Elizabeth Walton asked, incredulous. “He sure did, Elizabeth, he sure did,” John-Boy said.

That’s right, Transman is going to be a media double-threat–blogs and radio shows. Carlette Norwood‘s interview with Transman will air tomorrow, January 15, at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. Never fear, gentle reader, you don’t need to go out and get yourself a great big old-fashioned radio to hear it. Carlette’s show, Lette’s Chat, is on Blog Talk Radio. All you have to do is click here to be taken to the link.

"Wow, that Transman sounds taller than I expected. Dig it!" Jack Kerouac tunes in.

“Wow, that Transman sounds taller than I expected. Dig it, baby!” Jack Kerouac tunes in.


Resolutions … a week and a half late

"We'd both like sprinkles!" Cary Grant as Transman. Audrey Hepburn as his imaginary girlfriend.

“We’d both like sprinkles!” Cary Grant as Transman. Audrey Hepburn as his imaginary girlfriend.

Because Transman always arrives fashionably late, he put off making any sort of New Year’s resolutions until this evening. He’s not even making resolutions. Just some vague goals.

Eat a little better. He is going to to wean himself from processed foods as best as he can … not necessarily for his health. More for his wallet. He figures he could save a bundle by making food ahead of time and portioning it out for reheating later. Of course this leads to other vague goals like getting organized, investing in a deep freezer and possibly a deli slicer, and actually cooking. Screw that. Transman’s eating nothing but pizza rolls and Klondike bars for the next year.

"Why does none of this contain 'processed cheese food'?"

“Why does this not contain ‘processed cheese food’?”

Getting into shape. Sort of. Oh, don’t worry, he’s gonna take it slow. Last year, Transman invested in a heavy bag and an exercise bike. He even got on the bike like four times. He nudges the heavy bag when he passes by it in the living room. He may move it over in front of the TV so he has to knock it out of the way to see what’s happening on screen. Or, he might not. He doesn’t want to injure himself.

"I love the fresh salt air and my white short shorts!" Cary Grant as Transman and the lovely Betsy Drake as his other invisible girlfriend. (Apparently, Transman is gonna be popular in 2014!)

“I love the fresh salt air and my white short shorts!” Cary Grant as Transman and the lovely Betsy Drake as his other imaginary girlfriend. (Apparently, Transman is gonna be popular in 2014!)

Be more social. Transman isn’t exactly a hermit, but he’s awful close. If he didn’t have to leave the house for work and chauffeuring duties, Transman would likely almost never see the sun or other people. And, he’s perfectly okay with that. But, it kind of freaks out other people. To stop those incessant “we haven’t seen you in months … are you dead?!?” calls, Transman is going to make a concerted effort to go someplace where other people are gathered, make small talk with a few, possibly let one of them take a badly cropped portrait of the two of them mugging for the camera so the person can post it on all their social media accounts. Noooo. This is the early April Fool’s Day joke from Transman. He’s not leaving the cave except for when absolutely necessary. And to clear the mailbox of all the junk mail once or twice a week.

"... workin' at the car wash ... Everybody sing!" Transman and Asta are the party.

“… workin’ at the car wash … Everybody sing!” Transman and Asta are the party.

Read more. He’s no longer in school. Transman can read for fun. He can read any damn thing he wants and does not need to write a report on it, incorporate it into a dissertation, or even finish it if it is truly crappy. This is one resolution Transman might even follow through on. Why, he might even go down to the comic book store first thing in the morning!

"You did the crossword puzzle in crayon again?!" Debora Kerr as Transman's latest girlfriend.

“You did the crossword puzzle in crayon again?!” Debora Kerr as Transman’s latest girlfriend. (As soon as I figure out what cologne Transman has been wearing to attract all these lovely ladies, I will pass the word.)

Pamper himself. You read that right. And, here is Transman’s manifesto: From this day forward, keeping a roof over the heads of kids and cats, cooking, attempting to clean, helping with homework, and setting the standard for impeccable taste in both clothes and music shall be rewarded with 10 silent minutes to himself. Anyone asking for water; catnip; food; socks; a ride; help in a video game; a screwdriver, hammer, or other tool; ten bucks; help getting soap out of the eyes, etc., will be banished from the room and the 10-minute relaxation period shall start again.

"When you are this good looking, one mirror just will not do!"

“When you are this good looking, one mirror just will not do!”


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