“We’d both like sprinkles!” Cary Grant as Transman. Audrey Hepburn as his imaginary girlfriend.
Because Transman always arrives fashionably late, he put off making any sort of New Year’s resolutions until this evening. He’s not even making resolutions. Just some vague goals.
Eat a little better. He is going to to wean himself from processed foods as best as he can … not necessarily for his health. More for his wallet. He figures he could save a bundle by making food ahead of time and portioning it out for reheating later. Of course this leads to other vague goals like getting organized, investing in a deep freezer and possibly a deli slicer, and actually cooking. Screw that. Transman’s eating nothing but pizza rolls and Klondike bars for the next year.
“Why does this not contain ‘processed cheese food’?”
Getting into shape. Sort of. Oh, don’t worry, he’s gonna take it slow. Last year, Transman invested in a heavy bag and an exercise bike. He even got on the bike like four times. He nudges the heavy bag when he passes by it in the living room. He may move it over in front of the TV so he has to knock it out of the way to see what’s happening on screen. Or, he might not. He doesn’t want to injure himself.
“I love the fresh salt air and my white short shorts!” Cary Grant as Transman and the lovely Betsy Drake as his other imaginary girlfriend. (Apparently, Transman is gonna be popular in 2014!)
Be more social. Transman isn’t exactly a hermit, but he’s awful close. If he didn’t have to leave the house for work and chauffeuring duties, Transman would likely almost never see the sun or other people. And, he’s perfectly okay with that. But, it kind of freaks out other people. To stop those incessant “we haven’t seen you in months … are you dead?!?” calls, Transman is going to make a concerted effort to go someplace where other people are gathered, make small talk with a few, possibly let one of them take a badly cropped portrait of the two of them mugging for the camera so the person can post it on all their social media accounts. Noooo. This is the early April Fool’s Day joke from Transman. He’s not leaving the cave except for when absolutely necessary. And to clear the mailbox of all the junk mail once or twice a week.
“… workin’ at the car wash … Everybody sing!” Transman and Asta are the party.
Read more. He’s no longer in school. Transman can read for fun. He can read any damn thing he wants and does not need to write a report on it, incorporate it into a dissertation, or even finish it if it is truly crappy. This is one resolution Transman might even follow through on. Why, he might even go down to the comic book store first thing in the morning!
“You did the crossword puzzle in crayon again?!” Debora Kerr as Transman’s latest girlfriend. (As soon as I figure out what cologne Transman has been wearing to attract all these lovely ladies, I will pass the word.)
Pamper himself. You read that right. And, here is Transman’s manifesto: From this day forward, keeping a roof over the heads of kids and cats, cooking, attempting to clean, helping with homework, and setting the standard for impeccable taste in both clothes and music shall be rewarded with 10 silent minutes to himself. Anyone asking for water; catnip; food; socks; a ride; help in a video game; a screwdriver, hammer, or other tool; ten bucks; help getting soap out of the eyes, etc., will be banished from the room and the 10-minute relaxation period shall start again.
“When you are this good looking, one mirror just will not do!”