Curly Joe

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

Transman went to the grocery store to stock up on microwavables for the teenager and perishables for the rest of the family, and the temptress at the deli asked, “Have you seen The Wolf of Wall Street? You remind me of the guy that’s in it …” and while Transman was waiting for “you totally look like Leonardo DiCaprio” or even, “you kind of  look like “Matthew McConaughey”, she said, “You look like the supporting actor guy [Jonah Hill]!”

"I'd like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!" Jonah Hill as Transman.

“I’d like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!” Jonah Hill as Transman.

Transman figures big hair and thick glasses = Jonah Hill. In a very lame attempt at a segue … Transman ran across this item today and decided that since it is written from the perspective of a curly haired gal, that he should add the perspective of a curly haired fella.

Here, now, is Transman’s response to Kendra Alvey’s “12 Reasons Having Curly Hair Rocks”:

1. You are easy to spot in a crowd. “You could be lost in a swarm of humanity at Disneyland and your group will be able to find you. You cannot get lost. Believe me, I’ve tried.” This is a universal truth and needs no gender-specific editing. Transman and sons recently kept track of each other on a road trip by our “hair antennae”.

2. Sometimes children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you’re the Queen of all the Muppets and Disney Princesses. Transman’s version is: “Children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you are a Muppet”–Animal, Sweetums, Crazy Harry–a dude with curly hair might as well be made of felt and googly eyes as far as children are concerned.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

3. Fancy hair means curls. Transman speak: “An invitation to a fancy event means a shearing is in order.” If  you have to look sane for a special event such as a job interview or meeting parents, get those curls lopped off. However, if you’re going to a funeral or an academic conference, you can let those curls go wild–wild like your own repressed emotions or tangential thoughts.

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Gravitational shift has an impact on the wave of one’s hair.

4. With curly hair, you don’t even need sleep or caffeine; you already look alert and quirky. “Go get ‘em, Tiger! Turn that yawn into a roar!” Again, this is universal. For men, curls add “boyish charm” and “pluck” to the list.

"I will look 20 until I'm at least 53!" Seth Rogan on curly hair and boyish charm.

“I will look 20 until I’m at least 53!” Seth Rogen on curly hair and boyish charm.

5. Curly hair equals big personality. “You can try being shy with curly hair, but people think you’re bold and approachable so you might as well be bold and approachable. Think of all the friends you’ll make! Oooh, you’re so popular!” See the previous answer. People tell Transman all kinds of crazy crap and inappropriate things because they think he’s “cool with all that, yo!”

6. Wearing your hair curly feels like a rebellion. “Oh yeah, look at you, you’re such a rebel. Congrats, you little badass.” In the corporate world, it is definitely a rebellion if a feller lets his hair get long enough to show those cowlicks; in fact, the curly-haired dude will either take your company to the Top 10 of the Fortune 500 list or burn it to the ground.

7. You can dress like the lead singer of an ’80s hair band any time you want. “All you need is a hair pick, some hairspray and a little eyeliner and HELLO, 1983 Jon Bon Jovi!” True, dat! Halloween costumes and ’80s Nights parties were made for this hair.

8. Who needs a bun maker? The closest thing to this in Guyville is the Pompadour. You can be a Elvis or Dean Martin with just the right amount of pomade.

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

9. Curly hair distracts from whatever you want it to: “circles under your eyes, pre-menstrual chin breakouts, the earrings you hate but are wearing anyway because your great-aunt gave them to you and you’re meeting her for brunch.” Transman’s translation: “you can read a crapload of executive memos while pulling ringlets out to the tip of your nose and letting them spring back into place.”

10. On an island vacation, you can let your hair dry naturally and hit the Mai Tai bar early “while your girlfriends are still blow-drying and flat ironing and curling and spraying.” Transman’s translation: “While your buddies are striving for that ‘just got out of bed’ look, you were born with it, pal, and chicks dig it!”

11. There are no photos of you with a bowl cut “that might pop up on Facebook on Throwback Thursday.” Again, universal (but the ’80s asymmetrical cuts were not kind to those with a natural corkscrew ‘doo).

12. You’re rocking your natural hair and you’re beautiful for it. Transman’s translation: “You’re as handsome as all get-out! And the world loves you for it!”

 


The Big Hair Club

dsfaf

We use nothing but coconut oil on our hair. The Mothers of Invention as Transman and Sons (and neighbors or something).

When you take testosterone weird s**t happens. That’s kind of a given, but one of the strangest things that has happened to Transman is his hair has gotten super curly (think Bob Dylan or Will Ferrell). It used to be just kind of wavy, sort of nondescript hair that got little notice from anyone besides Transman and the person he paid to cut his hair.

Now, though? Transman’s hair has been the topic of several remarks and discussions with strangers. And it is usually in the context of people looking at Transman’s sons and taking in their crazy curly hair and then looking at him and going, “Well, we know where they get the hair!” (In times past, it was only Son 1 who got attention from strangers over his hair; the highlight of these encounters was the blushing teenage girl who was standing in another checkout line but had to break away from her group to come compliment him on the hat he was wearing and then ask if she could touch his hair.)

A comment or two would a little odd, but nothing Transman would think about as he brushed his teeth before bed, but here lately, the comments are increasing and what really makes Transman go “huh?” is that they’re coming from other men. The maintenance guy at work, one of the grandfathers who stands in line with  him as they wait to pick up their kids after school, cashiers at the grocery store, and the guy at the hardware store. Before transitioning, Transman had no idea men took so much interest in other men’s hair.

At first, he wondered if they were trying to “regulate masculinity” somehow, but no one has yelled “get a haircut hippie!” or otherwise suggested they disapproved.

He knows it isn’t from covetousness because most of the commentators also had full heads of hair, and some even had some corkscrew curls of their own.

No one has slipped him a phone number or winked at him, so Transman is pretty sure they weren’t flirting with him.

Maybe he is surrounded by a community of men who simply love hair and everyone who has it. Wait. That sounds a little weird. Even for this blog. Oh, well; suffice it to say Transman is mystified by the reason for the sudden interest in his hair, but he’s not letting it disrupt his sleep or his flossing routine.

Instead, he is embracing his big hair until it all falls out. Back in college, his friend  Faz had the biggest natural hair on campus. His other friend, the Jersey Girl, had the biggest hair that could be had with three cans of Aqua Net (the kind with the pink label, thank you very much). They formed a group with another curly top and called themselves the Big Hair Club. The three of them had the best hair for miles around and they knew it. Transman was always a little sad that he had limp, greasy locks that would never defy gravity. But now? Now, Transman could be President of the Big Hair Club, or at the very least, the historian. Not the treasurer, though, because Transman still sucks at math; testosterone has not changed that.

"Transman, you'll never be part of the Big Hair Club!" the founding members taunt him during the Air Guitar competition.

“Transman, you’ll never be part of the Big Hair Club!” the founding members taunt him during the Air Guitar Competition. Cinderella as the Big Hair Club.

Since Transman hates to say goodbye (and can’t really think  of a suitable ending), he will leave you with the opening from the Hair Bear Bunch:

And … in case you missed it the first time, this lovely piece from The Guardian newspaper on Rock Stars and their Parents. The Zappa family was the epitome of grooviness.


The dulcet tones of Transman?

"Hey, Transman! I've got a hot tip for ya!" John Turturro as Ex.

“Hey, Transman! I’ve got a hot tip for ya! … but, there’s a slight catch.” John Turturro as Ex.

Once upon a time, Transman had a life as a journalist. He interviewed shuffleboard champions, rodeo clowns, musicians, artists, 4-H speech winners, and the occasional mayor or chief of police. His ex recently called to talk to the kids and then said, “Hey, I am going to send you Famous Actor’s phone number. I talked to him tonight and he said you can call.”

Famous Actor grew up not too far from Ex and their families are friendly and all.

Transman’s hackles went up in suspicion. While he appreciated the gesture, he was sure Ex was up to something, or at the very least, hadn’t thought this whole thing through.

“How should I introduce myself?” Transman asked. “As your friend or something?”

“Use your old name and say you’re my ex-wife,” Ex said.

Transman said, “I’m trying to save you some embarrassment here  since you haven’t told your family anything about me. My voice has changed and people assume I’m a man.”

Ex chuckled. “Your voice hasn’t changed a bit. You sound exactly the same. You sound like a woman.”

Transman thought, um-hmm, but he just said, “Well, thanks for thinking of me and getting the number.”

Transman won’t call, but he is sure tempted to–and to go with Ex’s strategy of saying that they were once married. He chuckles in delight at the thought of Famous Actor going around town talking about how “Ex’s husband from America” had called him.

"Are you out of your mind, Ex? Famous Actor won't buy it for a minute that my voice is all due to allergies and candy cigarette addiction."

“Are you out of your mind, Ex? Famous Actor won’t buy it for a minute that my voice is all due to allergies and candy cigarette addiction.” Johnny Depp as Transman.


‘Dress for the job you want, not the one you have’

Haruo Nakajima as Transman putting on his Godzilla pants.

Haruo Nakajima as Transman putting on his Godzilla pants.

There is an old saw in the business world that one should not dress for the position one holds, but rather for the position one wants. Transman wants to be Godzilla. So, tomorrow, when he wakes up, he’s putting on his Godzilla pants and going to work. Stomping stuff and breathing fire. Then, at around 10:30, he will take a little break.

"Did you get the memo I sent you?" Transman's boss interrupts the tea break.

“Did you get the memo I sent you?” Transman’s boss interrupts the tea break.

Stay inspired. Keep your eye on the prize. Envision the cardboard cities you can destroy. Never let your dreams die!


A short break

"I'm just going to freshen up a bit. I'll be back in a bit!" Cary Grant as Transman.

“I’m just going to freshen up. I’ll be back in a bit!” Cary Grant as Transman. 

Transman is taking a short break to work on the book version of his story, and while he loves each and every one of you, he finds that you’re all a bunch of procrastination enablers! Because you’re all so fascinating, funny, and insightful, he gets nothing done. So, for the next few weeks, Transman is taking a break to regroup and write. … but, don’t worry; each of you is irresistible and it’s only a matter of time until Transman’s resolve breaks and he is back to “liking” and commenting on posts. So, “Ciao, babies! See you soon!”


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