Author Archives: transparentguy

Moving up in the ranks

George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin tied the knot in Venice today, and while there are much more important things going on in the world, almost nothing is as important as the fact that Transman now has one less competitor for the World’s Most Handsome Graying Bachelor. Thank you for stepping aside, George. Congratulations!

"Where did you get that T-shirt? You look like that slob Transman!"

“Where did you get that T-shirt? You look like that slob Transman!” Amal Alamuddin chastises her husband. “Well, actually, it is Transman’s,” George confesses. “We used to hang out.”


No more moobs

"I would like some more ginger ale and Vicodin, please," Leonard Nimoy as Transman.

“I would like some more ginger ale and Vicodin, please,” Leonard Nimoy as Transman.

Operation Reverse Barbie was a success, Gentle Readers! The highlights for now:

Dr. Garramone really does rock (and has great paintings in his office).

Daisy got Son 2 a pack of Poo-dough, which makes her the “Best Aunt Ever!” (Poo-dough even comes with corn-shaped molds for extra realism.)

Finally, Transman’s college buddy came over and took him to the surgery and took good care of him afterwards–although, there was a dangerous amount of laughter. “It’s not a party until somebody pops a stitch!”

Thank you all for your happy thoughts this week! I am pretty sure that helped everything go so smoothly!


Excitement, panic, and a plea

Transman thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong ever.

Transman (played by Cary Grant) thinking of every possible thing that could go wrong ever.

Transman is getting ready to have Operation Reverse Barbie and now that the day is drawing near, he is vacillating between excitement and panic. He can’t wait to be able to not bind, squish, squeeze, fasten, strap down, or otherwise manipulate his moobs into semi-invisibility. He is eager to be able lounge around the house in a T-shirt and not panic when someone knocks on his door (oh, well, Transman will always feel a bit of consternation when there is a knock on the door, but at least it won’t be because he has to run into his room and start the binding process just to accept a pizza or shoo away the folks who want to save his immortal soul). Transman knows he will take much better care of himself and be more involved with his children if he can simply throw on a shirt and go outside into nature and sunshine and places where people ride bikes, throw footballs, and play soccer.

He can’t wait for the freedom and to have his outer self match his inner self.

But, his sister Daisy has mentioned people dying on the operating table one too many times and sent Transman into a frenzy of anxiety-fueled thoughts. Transman has revised his will 27 times; he has tried to provide for kids and cats should anything go wrong. He has taken out not only flood insurance on his house, but also earthquake and avalanche insurance even though he lives in the  Sunshine State. He has AAA. He also has his car insurance company’s roadside assistance as well as the dealership’s roadside emergency plan. He has refrained from buying green bananas for weeks because that would be very optimistic indeed.

Transman needs to calm his ass down and visualize the new improved T-man and stop worrying about things that are beyond his control. He also needs to tune out Daisy when she starts going on about surgical mishaps and medical maladies.

So, gentle reader, help Transman with this. Let’s all close our eyes, take a big, deep breath, and think happy thoughts about bunnies and fresh strawberries or the beach and gentle, coconut-scented breezes. Transman doesn’t want to be selfish, though. If he can get some love and support, he wants to share it far and wide. If we get a great big dose of psychic happiness going, let’s send it all over the place, so that folks around the globe might have a moment of peace and love (and a random image of bunnies nibbling on fresh strawberries).

"I see myself on the beach," Transman thinks. "The sun is shining; I look dashing;      I am wearing socks--wait, what?! Now, all I can think about is how the socks would trap the grains of sand between my toes and how gritty the whole world would seem..."

“I see myself on the beach,” Transman thinks. “The sun is shining; I look dashing; I am wearing socks–wait, what?! Now, all I can think about is how the socks would trap the grains of sand between my toes and how gritty the whole world would seem…”


I will do ten reps (of lifting potato chips from the bag to my mouth)

Transman has been attempting to get in shape because he plunked down the money to do the Reverse Barbie operation, and it’s a lot easier for the doctor to get things right if the patient looks more like The Rock and less like George Costanza. Being in shape also helps with the recovery and healing. Transman knows all of this. His rational mind speaks up and reminds him of these facts all the time, but lemme tell ya, kids, that Transman fella  is lazy. Oh sure, he’ll go swimming every day for a couple of weeks and then one day, it will rain and then Transman acts like it is monsoon season and he needs to stay indoors where it is safe. And where there is a couch. And a TV. And snacks. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

"Yeah, I *could* get into the Bat-suit. If I wanted. But,  I don't want to." Christian Bale as Transman hanging by the pool.

“Yeah, I could get into the Batsuit. If I wanted. But, I don’t want to.” Christian Bale as Transman hanging by the pool.


One fine day …

"One day, Transman, you will have an awesome stache like this," the Inca Tern said. "Or maybe not!"

“One day, Transman, you will have an awesome stache like this,” the Inca Tern said. “Or, maybe not!”

Transman has been on testosterone for a couple of years now and his chin is covered with a decent patch of hair, but his mustache is so pitiful and scraggly, he is sad.

He is in good company … many of his imaginary friends offered up consolation and advice:

"Distract them by balancing out the fluff on the chin with a complicated pile of hair on top of your head," Thoreau suggested.

“Distract everyone by balancing out the fluff on the chin with a complicated pile of hair on top of your head,” Thoreau suggested.

"Thoreau is right about that whole hair/chin curtain balance thing. Whatever you do, don't trim the beard!" Lincoln advised

“Thoreau is right about that whole hair/chin curtain balancing thing. Whatever you do, don’t trim the beard!” Honest Abe advised.

"Woe unto you if you lose your hair, Transman!" Horace Greeley cried out. "A few wispy tufts and glasses may help distract from a fuzzless upper lip."

“Woe unto you if you lose your hair, Transman!” Horace Greeley cried out. “A few wispy tufts and glasses may help distract from a fuzzless upper lip.”

"Dude, get a dog and life will be, like, totally cool."

“Dude, get a dog and life will be, like, totally cool. Add snacks, and, like, man, it’s all groovy!” Shaggy said.

"I started growing this in 1947." Monk also advised Transman to start wearing hats and playing piano.

“I started growing this in 1947.” Monk also advised Transman to start wearing hats and playing piano. “Wear a high hat and don’t worry about making the public happy.”

"Yo! Transman! There's a party going on in the barnyard! Tin cans all over the place!"

“Yo! Transman! There’s a party going on in the barnyard! Tin cans all over the place!”


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