Author Archives: transparentguy

I don’t think you’ll find what you’re looking for on Aisle 12, lady

"You look like a man who knows his wine!" Susan Sarandon as the Mystery Lady.

“You look like a man who knows his wine!” Susan Sarandon as the Mystery Lady.

Transman was tooling around the grocery store trying to navigate the “Oh, God! Tomorrow’s Easter and we didn’t plan a meal or get Easter baskets for the kids!” crowd when he nearly collided with a family with a screaming toddler who was being egged on by the kindergartener in the “scream more and they’ll buy us anything we want!” battle. As he swooped around them and turned toward the bread aisle, coming the opposite direction was an auburn-haired vision, cradling a shopping basket on her arm.

The ginger-haired goddess was a solitary shopper cruising slowly through the store without obligations to anyone or anything. She had only a couple of items her basket: brie, a couple of apples, and a package of spring greens.

She locked eyes with Transman and a smile flickered at the corner of her mouth.

“Where do they keep the wine?” she asked as she got closer.

Transman raised his eyebrows thinking, “I’m not wearing a name tag, lady.” Still, he pointed up at the sign two aisles down and said, “Aisle 12.”

The apparently psychic redhead winked at him and said, “I didn’t ask you for any particular reason … I know you don’t work here.” She beamed at him and turned toward Aisle 12.

Transman nodded and thought, “Well, with hair like this, everyone assumes I’m a beatnik. And everybody knows those bohemian cats know all about wine.” (Clearly, Transman is very slow on the uptake when he is being flirted with. Also, grocery stores really are the place to meet people. People who like wine.)

"Transman! This is only a tasting! Put that bottle of sparkling grape juice down!" Bob Dylan reprises his role as Transman.

“Transman! This is only a tasting! Put that bottle of sparkling grape juice down!” Bob Dylan reprises his role as Transman.


Gabriel García Márquez: 1927-2014

Gabriel García Márquez with his own bad teenage mustache.

Gabriel García Márquez with his own bad teenage mustache and a head full of dreams.

... and with his wife and children in the 1960s.

… and with his wife Mercedes and their children in the 1960s. 

With Carlos Fuentes and Toni Morrison.

With Carlos Fuentes and Toni Morrison.

Goofing around with Carlos Fuentes at conference and book fair celebrating Fuentes' 80th birthday in 2008.

Goofing around with Carlos Fuentes at a conference celebrating Fuentes’ work and 80th birthday. 

His work put magic into the world badly in need of  love and wonder.

His work put magic into a world badly in need of love and wonder.

Nobel Prize winning author Gabriel García Márquez  has died. If you haven’t read any of his writing, hunt some down tonight. He was a master storyteller who will lead you down an ordinary street into a world of dreams and return you home safe, but forever changed. You can start your journey here.


A card just for you

Transman was so busy yesterday, he did not post anything for Transgender Day of Visibility, but his pal David Ellis Dickerson created this card for his web series Greeting Card Emergency, and Transman wants to share it even if he is a day late and a dollar short.

To all the transgender folks who are living their lives and sharing their stories with those around them or the wider world, thank you! You never know who is going to be touched by knowing you; as hard as it might be, being yourself is making things better for all those who follow.

And to people like David who stand up for others and spread love and laughter in the world, thank you! You’re also making the world better all the time.


Curly Joe

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

Transman went to the grocery store to stock up on microwavables for the teenager and perishables for the rest of the family, and the temptress at the deli asked, “Have you seen The Wolf of Wall Street? You remind me of the guy that’s in it …” and while Transman was waiting for “you totally look like Leonardo DiCaprio” or even, “you kind of  look like “Matthew McConaughey”, she said, “You look like the supporting actor guy [Jonah Hill]!”

"I'd like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!" Jonah Hill as Transman.

“I’d like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!” Jonah Hill as Transman.

Transman figures big hair and thick glasses = Jonah Hill. In a very lame attempt at a segue … Transman ran across this item today and decided that since it is written from the perspective of a curly haired gal, that he should add the perspective of a curly haired fella.

Here, now, is Transman’s response to Kendra Alvey’s “12 Reasons Having Curly Hair Rocks”:

1. You are easy to spot in a crowd. “You could be lost in a swarm of humanity at Disneyland and your group will be able to find you. You cannot get lost. Believe me, I’ve tried.” This is a universal truth and needs no gender-specific editing. Transman and sons recently kept track of each other on a road trip by our “hair antennae”.

2. Sometimes children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you’re the Queen of all the Muppets and Disney Princesses. Transman’s version is: “Children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you are a Muppet”–Animal, Sweetums, Crazy Harry–a dude with curly hair might as well be made of felt and googly eyes as far as children are concerned.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

3. Fancy hair means curls. Transman speak: “An invitation to a fancy event means a shearing is in order.” If  you have to look sane for a special event such as a job interview or meeting parents, get those curls lopped off. However, if you’re going to a funeral or an academic conference, you can let those curls go wild–wild like your own repressed emotions or tangential thoughts.

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Gravitational shift has an impact on the wave of one’s hair.

4. With curly hair, you don’t even need sleep or caffeine; you already look alert and quirky. “Go get ‘em, Tiger! Turn that yawn into a roar!” Again, this is universal. For men, curls add “boyish charm” and “pluck” to the list.

"I will look 20 until I'm at least 53!" Seth Rogan on curly hair and boyish charm.

“I will look 20 until I’m at least 53!” Seth Rogen on curly hair and boyish charm.

5. Curly hair equals big personality. “You can try being shy with curly hair, but people think you’re bold and approachable so you might as well be bold and approachable. Think of all the friends you’ll make! Oooh, you’re so popular!” See the previous answer. People tell Transman all kinds of crazy crap and inappropriate things because they think he’s “cool with all that, yo!”

6. Wearing your hair curly feels like a rebellion. “Oh yeah, look at you, you’re such a rebel. Congrats, you little badass.” In the corporate world, it is definitely a rebellion if a feller lets his hair get long enough to show those cowlicks; in fact, the curly-haired dude will either take your company to the Top 10 of the Fortune 500 list or burn it to the ground.

7. You can dress like the lead singer of an ’80s hair band any time you want. “All you need is a hair pick, some hairspray and a little eyeliner and HELLO, 1983 Jon Bon Jovi!” True, dat! Halloween costumes and ’80s Nights parties were made for this hair.

8. Who needs a bun maker? The closest thing to this in Guyville is the Pompadour. You can be a Elvis or Dean Martin with just the right amount of pomade.

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

9. Curly hair distracts from whatever you want it to: “circles under your eyes, pre-menstrual chin breakouts, the earrings you hate but are wearing anyway because your great-aunt gave them to you and you’re meeting her for brunch.” Transman’s translation: “you can read a crapload of executive memos while pulling ringlets out to the tip of your nose and letting them spring back into place.”

10. On an island vacation, you can let your hair dry naturally and hit the Mai Tai bar early “while your girlfriends are still blow-drying and flat ironing and curling and spraying.” Transman’s translation: “While your buddies are striving for that ‘just got out of bed’ look, you were born with it, pal, and chicks dig it!”

11. There are no photos of you with a bowl cut “that might pop up on Facebook on Throwback Thursday.” Again, universal (but the ’80s asymmetrical cuts were not kind to those with a natural corkscrew ‘doo).

12. You’re rocking your natural hair and you’re beautiful for it. Transman’s translation: “You’re as handsome as all get-out! And the world loves you for it!”

 


The Big Hair Club

dsfaf

We use nothing but coconut oil on our hair. The Mothers of Invention as Transman and Sons (and neighbors or something).

When you take testosterone weird s**t happens. That’s kind of a given, but one of the strangest things that has happened to Transman is his hair has gotten super curly (think Bob Dylan or Will Ferrell). It used to be just kind of wavy, sort of nondescript hair that got little notice from anyone besides Transman and the person he paid to cut his hair.

Now, though? Transman’s hair has been the topic of several remarks and discussions with strangers. And it is usually in the context of people looking at Transman’s sons and taking in their crazy curly hair and then looking at him and going, “Well, we know where they get the hair!” (In times past, it was only Son 1 who got attention from strangers over his hair; the highlight of these encounters was the blushing teenage girl who was standing in another checkout line but had to break away from her group to come compliment him on the hat he was wearing and then ask if she could touch his hair.)

A comment or two would a little odd, but nothing Transman would think about as he brushed his teeth before bed, but here lately, the comments are increasing and what really makes Transman go “huh?” is that they’re coming from other men. The maintenance guy at work, one of the grandfathers who stands in line with  him as they wait to pick up their kids after school, cashiers at the grocery store, and the guy at the hardware store. Before transitioning, Transman had no idea men took so much interest in other men’s hair.

At first, he wondered if they were trying to “regulate masculinity” somehow, but no one has yelled “get a haircut hippie!” or otherwise suggested they disapproved.

He knows it isn’t from covetousness because most of the commentators also had full heads of hair, and some even had some corkscrew curls of their own.

No one has slipped him a phone number or winked at him, so Transman is pretty sure they weren’t flirting with him.

Maybe he is surrounded by a community of men who simply love hair and everyone who has it. Wait. That sounds a little weird. Even for this blog. Oh, well; suffice it to say Transman is mystified by the reason for the sudden interest in his hair, but he’s not letting it disrupt his sleep or his flossing routine.

Instead, he is embracing his big hair until it all falls out. Back in college, his friend  Faz had the biggest natural hair on campus. His other friend, the Jersey Girl, had the biggest hair that could be had with three cans of Aqua Net (the kind with the pink label, thank you very much). They formed a group with another curly top and called themselves the Big Hair Club. The three of them had the best hair for miles around and they knew it. Transman was always a little sad that he had limp, greasy locks that would never defy gravity. But now? Now, Transman could be President of the Big Hair Club, or at the very least, the historian. Not the treasurer, though, because Transman still sucks at math; testosterone has not changed that.

"Transman, you'll never be part of the Big Hair Club!" the founding members taunt him during the Air Guitar competition.

“Transman, you’ll never be part of the Big Hair Club!” the founding members taunt him during the Air Guitar Competition. Cinderella as the Big Hair Club.

Since Transman hates to say goodbye (and can’t really think  of a suitable ending), he will leave you with the opening from the Hair Bear Bunch:

And … in case you missed it the first time, this lovely piece from The Guardian newspaper on Rock Stars and their Parents. The Zappa family was the epitome of grooviness.


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