Curly Joe

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

No, not Curly Joe DeRita.

Transman went to the grocery store to stock up on microwavables for the teenager and perishables for the rest of the family, and the temptress at the deli asked, “Have you seen The Wolf of Wall Street? You remind me of the guy that’s in it …” and while Transman was waiting for “you totally look like Leonardo DiCaprio” or even, “you kind of  look like “Matthew McConaughey”, she said, “You look like the supporting actor guy [Jonah Hill]!”

"I'd like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!" Jonah Hill as Transman.

“I’d like a pound of pastrami and some of that deli mustard!” Jonah Hill as Transman.

Transman figures big hair and thick glasses = Jonah Hill. In a very lame attempt at a segue … Transman ran across this item today and decided that since it is written from the perspective of a curly haired gal, that he should add the perspective of a curly haired fella.

Here, now, is Transman’s response to Kendra Alvey’s “12 Reasons Having Curly Hair Rocks”:

1. You are easy to spot in a crowd. “You could be lost in a swarm of humanity at Disneyland and your group will be able to find you. You cannot get lost. Believe me, I’ve tried.” This is a universal truth and needs no gender-specific editing. Transman and sons recently kept track of each other on a road trip by our “hair antennae”.

2. Sometimes children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you’re the Queen of all the Muppets and Disney Princesses. Transman’s version is: “Children will stare up at you and your curly locks like you are a Muppet”–Animal, Sweetums, Crazy Harry–a dude with curly hair might as well be made of felt and googly eyes as far as children are concerned.

"AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

“AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!”

3. Fancy hair means curls. Transman speak: “An invitation to a fancy event means a shearing is in order.” If  you have to look sane for a special event such as a job interview or meeting parents, get those curls lopped off. However, if you’re going to a funeral or an academic conference, you can let those curls go wild–wild like your own repressed emotions or tangential thoughts.

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Gravitational shift has an impact on the wave of one’s hair.

4. With curly hair, you don’t even need sleep or caffeine; you already look alert and quirky. “Go get ‘em, Tiger! Turn that yawn into a roar!” Again, this is universal. For men, curls add “boyish charm” and “pluck” to the list.

"I will look 20 until I'm at least 53!" Seth Rogan on curly hair and boyish charm.

“I will look 20 until I’m at least 53!” Seth Rogen on curly hair and boyish charm.

5. Curly hair equals big personality. “You can try being shy with curly hair, but people think you’re bold and approachable so you might as well be bold and approachable. Think of all the friends you’ll make! Oooh, you’re so popular!” See the previous answer. People tell Transman all kinds of crazy crap and inappropriate things because they think he’s “cool with all that, yo!”

6. Wearing your hair curly feels like a rebellion. “Oh yeah, look at you, you’re such a rebel. Congrats, you little badass.” In the corporate world, it is definitely a rebellion if a feller lets his hair get long enough to show those cowlicks; in fact, the curly-haired dude will either take your company to the Top 10 of the Fortune 500 list or burn it to the ground.

7. You can dress like the lead singer of an ’80s hair band any time you want. “All you need is a hair pick, some hairspray and a little eyeliner and HELLO, 1983 Jon Bon Jovi!” True, dat! Halloween costumes and ’80s Nights parties were made for this hair.

8. Who needs a bun maker? The closest thing to this in Guyville is the Pompadour. You can be a Elvis or Dean Martin with just the right amount of pomade.

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

If it was good enough for Elvis and Johnny Cash, Royal Crown is good enough for you, Buster!

9. Curly hair distracts from whatever you want it to: “circles under your eyes, pre-menstrual chin breakouts, the earrings you hate but are wearing anyway because your great-aunt gave them to you and you’re meeting her for brunch.” Transman’s translation: “you can read a crapload of executive memos while pulling ringlets out to the tip of your nose and letting them spring back into place.”

10. On an island vacation, you can let your hair dry naturally and hit the Mai Tai bar early “while your girlfriends are still blow-drying and flat ironing and curling and spraying.” Transman’s translation: “While your buddies are striving for that ‘just got out of bed’ look, you were born with it, pal, and chicks dig it!”

11. There are no photos of you with a bowl cut “that might pop up on Facebook on Throwback Thursday.” Again, universal (but the ’80s asymmetrical cuts were not kind to those with a natural corkscrew ‘doo).

12. You’re rocking your natural hair and you’re beautiful for it. Transman’s translation: “You’re as handsome as all get-out! And the world loves you for it!”

 

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