Actual photo of Transman.
This is isn’t a commentary on whether the Fountain-Fort Carson School District’s decision to bar a 6-year-old transgender girl from using the girls’ bathroom in a Colorado elementary school is fair. This post is an attempt to express just how certain a child can be of their gender. I’m abandoning the voice of “Transman” for this post because I want to be clear that this is an opinion and based strictly on my experience rather than research and readings in medical journals.
The picture at the top of this post was taken when I was 2. Even then I knew that I was supposed to be a boy. I couldn’t express complex ideas about gender identity, but I knew looking at my parents that I was supposed to be like my father, not like my mother.
I have a hard time explaining to non-transgender people how I knew I was male from the start; I just did. I sometimes ask them, “How do you know you’re male or female?” Often, they go quiet and look stumped, because they can’t answer it either. Most people seem to just know, right? You can’t pinpoint what makes you feel that way or when exactly you realized it, can you? You likely always just knew.
Trying to explain what it feels like to be transgender is like trying to explain what it feels like to have green or brown eyes—it’s an essential part of who we are, but not something we can explain. If you’ve never lived another life, you have nothing to compare it to. The closest short-hand explanation tends to be “trapped in the wrong body,” which, for me, isn’t totally accurate.
I always felt comfortable with my pre-pubescent body even if I did wish that I had the same genitalia as the other men in the family. I enjoyed how strong I was and how fast I could run. When I hit puberty, I didn’t necessarily feel trapped in the wrong body, but rather betrayed by my own. I was intensely uncomfortable with having breasts and hips and the way they made others see me. Up until then, I was usually seen as a boy and could move about the world with freedom and confidence. When breasts entered the picture, so did constant reminders that no one saw me as I saw myself. There was unwanted attention from boys, but even worse, older men who had no business looking at a child the way they looked at me. Having a period reminded me every month that the whole world no longer saw a boy when they saw me. I became completely detached from my physical being. I could not take joy in my body anymore and I certainly couldn’t enjoy other people’s interest in my body. When I became an adult, sex held little pleasure for me because I had such an aversion to the female body I occupied. (Rereading this, I see even on a linguistic level I’m still trying to get distance.)
Being raised in the 1970s and 1980s, no one talked about transgender people; or if they did, it was to make jokes or express disgust. I didn’t have the vocabulary to explain what I was feeling when I was a child and by the time I did, it had been ingrained in me that my very being was shameful and that I was an abomination.
While my father supports and loves me as his child, he is of a different generation. He does not understand what is going on even though he accepts me. He blames himself and wonders if I would have turned out differently if he had been stricter about not letting me wear boys’ clothes or participate in “boy” activities; he thinks if he had done something differently, I might have grown up to be happy as a woman. I don’t know how to explain to him that that isn’t the case. I can tell him, but I don’t think I can convince him. I was born this way and there is nothing he or anyone else could have done to change it.
When people ask how a child in first grade could possibly know they are transgender and speculate that the parents have done something to make the child feel this way, I boil inside. Not every trans* person knew early on, but the majority do. Many suffer in similar ways as I did. Had I had the knowledge to express what I was going through, had my parents had the understanding of what it means to be transgender and the possible ways of living with it, maybe a lot of that suffering could have been avoided.
I am one of the lucky ones. For whatever reason, I was strong enough to keep going one day at a time. I also had a family that accepted me. Many transgender kids don’t have support at home; many don’t get information to help them understand what they feel and why; many turn to drugs and alcohol to try to rid themselves of the pain they feel; many get kicked out and wind up homeless or in the sex trade; many commit suicide. Who knows what kinds of gifts the world has lost with each of those self-inflicted deaths?
I don’t know if going so widely public will benefit the child at the center of the Fountain-Fort Carson School District case—I imagine the story will follow her for years to come—but, the discussion that has been started may benefit other children in the same situation. I don’t advocate early—and here I mean pre-teen—permanent medical intervention**, but social transitioning can let these kids live their entire lives the way they should have from the start.
** Blocking hormones at the start of puberty until the person is old enough to make decisions about permanent changes may seem radical to many, but delaying the onset of secondary sex characteristics will make it much easier for these young people to make a more seamless transition at the right time if that is what they decide to do.
February 28th, 2013 at 6:43 pm
This is just beautiful. I’m sending this to my colleagues who teach gender. It’s such a well-written, clarvoyant, and teachable piece. Thank you!
February 28th, 2013 at 7:02 pm
Wow. Thank you.
February 28th, 2013 at 6:48 pm
You’re absolutely correct! Until someone walks in your “shoes,” there is simply NO WAY they could even begin to understand the “trans” journey. I wish you and yours blessings my dear friend!
February 28th, 2013 at 7:03 pm
Thank you for always trying to understand.
February 28th, 2013 at 6:52 pm
Thank you for sharing your experience. you make it easier for non-transgender people like me to understand how you felt.
February 28th, 2013 at 7:03 pm
Thank you; it’s very hard to verbalize the feelings and thought process; I’m glad it made some sense to you.
February 28th, 2013 at 7:16 pm
Transman, thanks for this insight. Relaying your experience like this can only help to bring more understanding to non-trans people.
February 28th, 2013 at 8:38 pm
Thank you for taking the time to read it and give me feedback.
February 28th, 2013 at 7:21 pm
I have no words, just love. For you and everyone who just knows that somehow their body isn’t right. And I know that isn’t the right way to word it, but it is the best I can do. And love.
February 28th, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Thank you … and, I know what you mean.
February 28th, 2013 at 7:32 pm
I really like how you compare telling someone what it ‘feels’ like to be trans with telling them how it feels to have blue or brown eyes. It just is. Bravo!
February 28th, 2013 at 8:39 pm
Glad it made sense.
February 28th, 2013 at 9:40 pm
Jesus, Transman. You just made me remember how when I hit puberty, I carried a picture of my estranged dad at 13, insisting to everyone that I looked like him.
I know Coy’s mom from a parenting group, and I’ve followed her story for years. That little girl and her family are incredible, and they deserve support from their community, not this stupid fight.
February 28th, 2013 at 10:53 pm
Puberty is bad and awkward for anyone, but I think it really is hellish for the transgender person. Far more than most people who don’t go through it could understand.
I can’t imagine how hard it must be to share the story with the whole world; that can’t have been an easy decision for Coy’s parents to make. I hope the school district sees how sending her to a different bathroom than all the other girls draws more attention to her and actually helps create a problem. Best of luck to the whole family.
As far as some of the commentary about girls being exposed to male sex organs in the bathroom, it makes me wonder a) what they think the kids do in the bathroom and b) how they manage to sexualize everything. Girls’ bathrooms have stalls with doors, so, in all likelihood no one is seeing what anyone else is doing in there. More single-person unisex bathrooms in public spaces would be helpful.
February 28th, 2013 at 10:28 pm
Reblogged this on Joe's Transition and commented:
This. In so many ways this.
February 28th, 2013 at 10:53 pm
Cool. Thanks!
March 1st, 2013 at 12:23 am
Thank you for posting this part of your journey. Some of the remarks you made about your feelings before and around puberty really struck a raw nerve for me. Especially feeling betrayed by your body. How you figured out, so concretely, that you are transgendered is amazing to me. When I look back at all my before and around puberty crap, Well, there were strong community and family insistence that one become like everyone else. I’m not saying I’m transgendered. I have used a multitude of labels thinking, ah, this is where I fit. None of them really capturing the real me.When I look back, I think the words I would use to describe my feelings would be confusion and betrayal. At any rate, life is a journey. I’m glad I’m getting the opportunity to read these blogs, both the serious and the humorous. You definitely make my day more interesting. Take care.
March 1st, 2013 at 5:43 pm
Thank you for sharing your experiences, Debbie. I don’t think any one label or category can sum up a person. I think human beings have an innate need to categorize the world and label everything in their environment, but that also places limitations on their world.
March 1st, 2013 at 12:57 am
for once, i don’t know if i have the right words to express myself.
i’ll try anyway. someone needs to.
i knew from early on in my life that SOMETHING was up, and i never found out and still don’t know exactly what it is. i’ve said it a hundred times, but i am still undefined and that’s unlikely to change anytime soon. perhaps i might say I am defined by my inability to define myself, by the inherent fluidity in my nature.
thank you for sharing this, Transman. i wish i could tell you how much it means to me to have some of my feelings, the shared feelings between us, expressed through your work.
i’m not in a very good place right now, mentally– sort of unstable and shaky. it has never really been a burden for me- my fluid gender. my family has always been wonderful. i’ve been really lucky, haven’t faced much prejudice. people nowadays are a lot more understanding than at least they used to be.
everyone underestimates the ability of children to think for themselves. I think we’ve all been guilty of that at one point or another. i don’t know what a good solution would be. in an ideal world we can all just shapeshift to whatever body we want and this sort of thing isn’t even an issue. alas, this world is not yet ideal.
okay. well, it’s late and i’m exhausted. thank you again for sharing your thoughts, Transman. your courage makes me feel courageous, too.
<3s,
Eris
March 1st, 2013 at 5:49 pm
It seems like society greatly underestimates children in many ways.
I really hope you find some kind of internal balance that makes you feel comfortable all the time, Eris. You’re smart, talented, and gifted in so many ways. I’m glad we have each other as resources and reminders that we aren’t alone.
March 1st, 2013 at 2:36 am
You’ve articulated this so well… Reading your posts is always a pleasure. I can only more people perceive being transgendered not as a choice or the result of a “wrong” upbringing, but rather as something essential to the person as they are.
March 1st, 2013 at 2:37 am
I can only hope*
March 1st, 2013 at 5:52 pm
I’m hoping that the larger society comes to that understanding soon. I know kids growing up in the digital age have a much better shot at finding information, but they also encounter so much hatred. There’s a long way to go, but I feel like we’ve seen an amazing amount of change in the past 10 years and it can only keep getting better.
March 1st, 2013 at 8:41 am
Thanks for this. More public awareness means less fear and intolerance – and tolerance can evolve into acceptance.
March 1st, 2013 at 5:54 pm
Yep. As more people step out and share their stories, the closer it gets for others. Much like when gays and lesbians started to really be visibile–it was so much harder for people to carry on the “I don’t know any gay people” argument.
March 1st, 2013 at 10:59 am
OMG.. You have me crying at 8 AM. Oprah did a show about 10, 15 years ago and she had a many trans humans of all ages. I will never forget this one young girl who identified as male. Her parents were so supportive. They said they would much rather have a happy son than a dead daughter. It was truly a heartfelt, informative show.
My heart really goes out to trans humans and especially children if they are not supported in their identities.
Much love and thanks for sharing.
♥°*”˜ƸӜƷ˜”*°♥
Sindy
March 1st, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Thank you, Sindy. I’m glad there are people who are understanding and supportive. That message can’t be said enough to the kids who are suffering.
March 1st, 2013 at 11:23 am
“Trying to explain what it feels like to be transgender is like trying to explain what it feels like to have green or brown eyes—it’s an essential part of who we are, but not something we can explain.” Brilliant, beautiful and succinct.
This is a fabulous, very moving post. Thank you so much for sharing. x
March 1st, 2013 at 5:55 pm
Thank you.
March 1st, 2013 at 11:27 am
Well done, Garrett! You’ve expressed yourself beautifully. This is bound to be helpful to many transgender peop
March 1st, 2013 at 5:56 pm
Thank you, Janet!
March 1st, 2013 at 2:05 pm
Your words will ultimately help more people than you will ever know. I’m constantly impressed by the way you express your story with sensitivity, honesty, insight and with the desire to make things better for kids growing us transgender today. Shared on FB and Tweeted!
March 1st, 2013 at 5:56 pm
Thank you. You don’t know how much of a help you’ve been over the past couple of years. A lot of that courage to share the story comes from your prodding and support.
March 2nd, 2013 at 10:00 am
This is a fine piece, and the better for being so personal.
I’ve just been reflecting on how there’s this terrible tendency of onlookers to assume that anyone who’s young can’t possibly know who they are – and so any child trying to make sense of being outside the “gender-norm” is faced with this huge extra wave of others’ certainty that “you can’t possibly know yourself”, which you never hear inflicted on the cis-kids in that way (well, unless they’re gay, or in love with someone their parents don’t approve of, or, or…)
I hear of so many young trans folks these days coming out and being told “Oh, you just got the idea from somewhere else…” usually the internet gets blamed, or with younger kids it’s assumed to come from their parents. Argh.
And it’s even harder for those of us who were also not “trans-norm” (I’m a trans tomboy, for example, and never wanted the dolls-and-dresses deal), there’s even less story to guide us through other people’s dismissiveness.
the more people tell their stories out there, the more chance there is for all of us to recognise ourselves. Thanks again.
March 2nd, 2013 at 3:19 pm
Thank you for sharing your experience, too.
I hate that people are so quick to dismiss children’s thoughts and concerns, whether it is about their own self-knowledge or when something is wrong. So many children become victims because of this.
March 2nd, 2013 at 1:01 pm
We Came, we saw and we conquered………………..Jamie Lee
March 2nd, 2013 at 3:22 pm
Your blog has so much good info about activism and the news. Thank you for keeping the information out there.
This Human Rights Campaign survey shows how much work still needs to be done for the LGBT students. The stats on what their concerns are vs. what the concerns of the non-LGBT student show a marked preoccupation with finding a way to feel safe and fit in; you can’t focus on learning when you feel like the whole world hates you.
http://www.hrc.org/files/assets/resources/Growing-Up-LGBT-in-America_Report.pdf
March 8th, 2013 at 12:06 am
[...] conversing over on The Adventures of Transman has been quite enlightening. Transman, you see, is a guy who has always, always known he was a guy, even though he was born with non-guy parts. How did he know? How did that feel? Well, as he [...]
March 30th, 2013 at 9:58 pm
Reblogged this on Remember what you told me.
April 1st, 2013 at 7:51 am
Thanks again for sharing this.
March 31st, 2013 at 6:14 pm
It frustrates me as well, when people assume that, because a child realises something is wrong, that they are the wrong gender, the parents must be behind it somehow. I, too, realised when I was about four that something was wrong, that I should have been a girl, but my parents knew nothing about it until I tried to tell them. I suspect that now, my parents would have been blamed for how I felt.
It’s an absolute pleasure to read your posts.
Christine
April 1st, 2013 at 7:53 am
Thank you for sharing your experience, Christine. As more of document and explain what we’ve been through, the more people will start to get that this is real, not a whim or a “lifestyle choice,” etc., the younger people behind us will be able to get the help they need at the most appropriate time.