“You’re gaining a little weight there, bub,” Sir Sean Connery as Transman’s dad. “At least I don’t have to wear a hat to cover by bald head … yet,” Mike Meyers as Transman. “I’ll have you know the Glengarry bonnet is traditional headgear with this outfit! Speaking of tradition, why are you wearing a t-shirt to a formal gathering?!”
Last weekend, Transman saw his father in person for the first time since coming out. It was fairly uneventful. The Oul Fella was celebrating his 81st spin on the planet and Transman’s sisters Sherpa and Daisy organized a gathering that included the old man’s even older sister, his present and past spouses, children, grandchildren, neighbors, friends, etc. Believe me, our family puts the “fun” in dysfunction.
Transman and his spawn made the journey down and immediately offended everyone by staying in a hotel. Really. But, Transman knows Son 2′s “exuberance for life” and Son 1′s moody teenager moping coupled with Transman himself really wouldn’t have done the Oul Fella’s ticker any good at all. Transman wants to give him a chance to make it to 82. Besides, Transman wanted a giant bed all to himself and people who would clean up after him.
The day of the party arrived and the Transclan showed up at the pizza parlor (because don’t all octogenarians love pizza and video games?) and Transman braced himself for the possible drunken outburst, inappropriate jokes, or snickering from any number of attendees. None of that happened, though. On the plus side, that creepy former-spouse of a third-cousin didn’t try to feel him up during the “greeting hug.” Happily, the aforementioned creepy guy didn’t even try to hug Transman this time.
No one even commented on Transman’s neckbeard or crazy testosterone-induced Will Ferrell hair, but his sister Twyla Faye did say, “God!” when she saw Transman and pulled him in for a hug. She said it with an awe-filled hushed tone to her voice, so Transman thinks she meant it in a good way. (For a guy who hates hugs, Transman got more than his fair share over the weekend).
“Yes, it’s true; Transman did get all of the ‘dork’ genes in the family,” Leslie Bibb as Twyla Faye. Will Ferrell as Transman.
Transman thought he would get through the weekend without really discussing the elephant in the room. However, on Day 2 of the journey, he and the lads went to visit the patriarch at home. While the boys were occupied with fishing and trying to hook their uncle by the ear during casting, Transman’s dad made eye contact for the first time and said, “Are you happy with what you’re doing?”
“Yes,” Transman said. “I feel better than I’ve ever felt.”
“Okay,” the Oul Fella said then added, “You’ll always be my baby, you know.”
Then they nearly had to punch each other in the throat to keep from crying.
And now I offer you the ambiguous lyrics of Paul Simon in his catchy tune “Mother and Child Reunion,” which is actually about his dog and named after a dish Simon saw in a Chinese restaurant.
January 23rd, 2013 at 10:06 pm
I’m so happy for you th
January 24th, 2013 at 5:09 pm
Thank you. I’m honored that you keep up with the blog since you were one of the first people who suggested that I give writing a serious effort.
January 23rd, 2013 at 11:40 pm
Favorite line: “Then they nearly had to punch each other in the throat to keep from crying.” Congratulations TM, you’re making me smile. =)
January 24th, 2013 at 5:11 pm
Smile for the both of us since displays of emotion are frowned upon in the Transfamily.
January 23rd, 2013 at 11:48 pm
I am so glad that things went so well for you. Your Dad rocks.
January 24th, 2013 at 5:14 pm
He does; he has his moments of struggling to deal with this, but he is making his best effort. My stepmother is a great ally as well–i.e., we had a death in the family and when the obit was in the paper, my male name is the one they used. My dad read the obit and said, “they left out X.” My stepmother pointed to the male name and said, “No they didn’t. This is how it is; you just have accept it.”
January 24th, 2013 at 5:20 pm
That is lovely. I am very happy for you, it is so good when families can come together.
January 24th, 2013 at 3:05 am
Aww
January 24th, 2013 at 5:14 pm
I know. The only thing better would be a basket full of kittens.
January 24th, 2013 at 9:39 am
Congratulations Transman! It sounds like a big bridge you crossed!
January 24th, 2013 at 5:16 pm
Thank you. It really was.
January 24th, 2013 at 11:22 am
Why don’t you like hugs Transman?
January 24th, 2013 at 5:17 pm
I always feel trapped. People who know me well like to torture me this way.
January 24th, 2013 at 8:06 pm
Next time I am LA, I am coming to hug, hug, hug ya. lol
January 25th, 2013 at 5:04 pm
Evil.
January 25th, 2013 at 5:22 pm
lol no worries i think I would have known you were being funny. I call Judy fro peiti4chocoltier evil (as in Austen Powers) for her chocolate creations.
January 24th, 2013 at 2:17 pm
Not getting felt up by the creepy guy probably as awesome as getting told you’ll always be his baby, right?
January 24th, 2013 at 5:18 pm
They are both pretty cool outcomes.
January 24th, 2013 at 7:52 pm
What a milestone! This is great
January 25th, 2013 at 5:03 pm
Thanks!
January 25th, 2013 at 11:03 am
I’m welling up.
January 25th, 2013 at 5:06 pm
Stiff upper lip.
January 29th, 2013 at 10:51 am
I think I need a punch in the throat…
January 31st, 2013 at 12:36 am
Whew. Glad that went well. If only my dysfamily took things as well.