“We’re going to a New Year’s Eve party? Ooooh, Transman! I could kiss you to pieces!”
Transman doesn’t believe in setting New Year’s resolutions, but here are some of his goals for 2013:
Get that memoir finished already so a bad TV Movie of the Week can go into production.
Sophia Loren laughs with delight at the idea of playing Transman’s mom in the biopic of his life while Frederico Fellini and Marcello Mastroianni question her sanity. “It will destroy your career,” Mastroianni warns.
“And then Transman suggested I be in his movie …” Michael Caine explains while Morgan Freeman and Liam Neeson nearly wet their pants with laughter.
Find a barber in his town who 1) can get sideburns even and 2) understands that the haircut he/she gives to the 19-year-old college student isn’t a one-size-fits-all ‘do and definitely does not work on a 40+-year-old guy.
“C’mon, Transman, whaddaya mean our hair ain’t good?! We oughta kick your ass! We would, but we gotta go inside; we don’t wanna get lightning in our hair.”
“Don’t be ridiculous, dear,” William Powell as Transman, “my hair does not have too much ‘product’ in it. What do you mean I am a clod and embarrassing you in front of your friends? They’re not staring at my hair, honey-lamb; they’re staring at you and wishing they were you. By the way, we’re on a love seat–wink, wink, nudge nudge.”
Start exercising so he does not keep getting mistaken for Lou Grant (p.s. Transman loves Ed Asner).
“If I have to explain the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ or ‘then’ and ‘than’ one more time, I swear I will set fire to my desk!”
And now, Transman will leave you with some great New Year’s wishes in the words of someone with much better hair than his:
”May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you’re wonderful, and don’t forget to make some art — write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” ~ Neil Gaiman (If you haven’t read any of Neil Gaiman’s work–put that down on your “Goals for 2013″ list!)