How to Be Handsome

“Of course, for me, being handsome is quite effortless,” Errol Flynn as Transman.

Transman’s readers can’t get enough fashion advice. Well, maybe his regular readers can, but there are still plenty of folks who land on this blog searching the world wide web for things like, “image of old man wearing ascot,” “Hawaiin shirts hipster,” and “debonair man’s walk,” so that Transman knows people are thirsting for knowledge about how to be really damn good-looking at every moment of the day. Here are some of Transman’s secrets to being so handsome that even the birds stop whistling:

Always start the day with a good breakfast:

“I always put ketchup on my scrambled eggs; President Reagan told me it was a vegetable, so I figure it’s kind of like eating a veggie omelet.”

Then, get a little exercise in the fresh air:

“Bowfishing is good exercise and I can have broiled grouper for supper! Oh, and, this is the only time that white pants and a scoop-neck shirt are acceptable menswear. Are you listening, Matthew McConaughey?”

“Really, I’m so good-looking, the fish just jump in the boat to be with me.”

“Whew, I worked up a manly stink with all that fishing. Time to pedal on home for a shower.”

Make sure you have a couple of friends who are smarter and more worldly than you  (you can steal their stories for use at cocktail parties–which they won’t get invited to because they are a little “too bohemian” for polite society):

“So, tell me about Paris in the ’20s again, Ernest.”

Have dinner with other beautiful friends (and thanks to your smart weirdo friends, your being able to hold a good conversation always makes you much more attractive than anyone else at the table):

“This is just like when Hemingway and Joyce were knocking around Paris … I swear, all of us glow more than the candlelight. We are the best-looking bunch in this dump.”

Being charming is key to being handsome. Hold open doors, wink, and flirt shamelessly:

“Your lips are like sugar, Brigitte … sugar kisses; damn, I should be in a band.

Never underestimate the power of children and small animals to make you appear more handsome:

“Yes, she is a doll. She is a doll and I am a hunk. It runs in the family.”

“You just sit there and look exotic, Chairman Meow; I’m cultivating my ‘Refined Man’ look. How do you like my pipe?”

“Then that damn Chairman Meow gave me cat scratch fever … I like you so much better, Waggs; you’re the perfect accessory. Dogs make a man look laid-back and playful. How do you like my loafers? You won’t chew them up now, will you? No, of course you won’t; you’re a good boy.”

If all else fails, get yourself a tailored suit, a dog and a fine motor car:

“Damn that Waggs and his appetite for shoe leather! Come on, Mr. Barker, let’s go cruisin’!”

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16 responses to “How to Be Handsome

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