Sitting here in limbo

“Just passin’ time ’til things get squared away.” Tom Waits as Transman.

The more Transman takes steps to publicly be himself, the more he winds up in limbo. His life is on hold in some respects—mostly at work and with his father.

On the Job

Transman came out to his boss and his boss’s  boss. Overall, it went fine, but since he’s the first person who has ever come out as trans at this particular workplace, they’re not sure how to handle it. Despite Transman’s request to keep the news limited to the people he actually interacts with, his supervisor told nearly a dozen managers at a meeting. They didn’t tell Transman beforehand and most of these managers do not work with him, so he’s not clear on why they need to know his medical history.

“It’s to prevent gossip and for your safety,” he was told after the fact.

Transman thought that telling them probably put speculation in their minds where there might have been none previously. As far as safety is concerned, Transman feels like telling people who probably already thought he was a guy that he has female anatomy under his suit, just opened a door to trouble.

Transman knows he shouldn’t prejudge others, but he works in a conservative place where people regularly bring up the Bible and Jesus in meetings. (Transman has nothing against Christianity, but believes religion should be personal and not forced upon co-workers.*) People might be cool and professional on the job, but who knows what they might do off the clock if they run into Transman somewhere and they don’t like him expressing his masculinity? Transman might be a little paranoid here, but transpeople really can’t take safety for granted.

Transman is waiting for his bosses to give the green light for telling his immediate group of co-workers. They seem to fear that people will freak out and not know what to do. Transman explained that if the managers act like it is a nonissue and that business should continue as normal, that it likely will. That’s how it has been at school and on his other jobs. People may freak out, but they’ll get over it. Something new will come along to grab their attention.

He’s just tired of living as himself everywhere else. He dresses, acts, talks, and moves like a man at work anyway. The only thing that lets people know he was female at birth is his name and the pronouns the group currently uses.

* Yes, Transman does see the irony in making this statement knowing that many misguided people who think being transgender is a “lifestyle choice” will say he is “forcing his beliefs” on people by being himself.

With his Father

Transman sat down and wrote his dad a letter to open up the conversation with him. Since his father isn’t a talkative sort and avoids emotions and confrontations at all costs, Transman figured writing a letter would be a way to let his father read and absorb the news without having to react immediately. He didn’t go into full detail about what has been done so far and what some of the future plans are. He just let his father know that he has always been uncomfortable with the body he was born into and that he is doing something about it with the help of his doctor. Transman reassured his father that he loves him and isn’t transitioning to hurt or embarrass him, but rather so he can live his life and be comfortable in his own skin.

Transman hopes that his father will find a way to accept thinking of him more as a son than as a daughter, but he is prepared for his father to stop speaking to him.

Again, Transman just wants to be himself everywhere.

And now, since Transman has depressed everyone, he feels compelled to ask for Jimmy Cliff’s help in leaving this post on a semi-hopeful note:

“Hey, Transman, don’t worry. All this will work out.” Jimmy Cliff as himself.  “You may be siting in limbo, but I know it won’t be long.”

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25 responses to “Sitting here in limbo

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