The road trip never ends (or how we spent Labor Day Weekend)*

“Okay, we’ve got the map, credit cards, phone, Cheetos … yep, all set. Let’s get this show on the road.” Keith Richards and family/friends as the Transfamily.

“Let’s see … if the sign says ’89 miles to Destination X,’ and we’re going 90 mph, we’ll be there in 59 minutes. That’s too much damn math for me. Turn up the stereo.”

“Dad, I love you so much that when you kick off, I promise I’ll smoke your ashes.” The late Bert Richards as Transman’s dad.

“Yes, I know you’re tired of visiting relatives who smell like mothballs and whisky sours, but if you’re good, we can get ice cream later.”

“I know. I know. Stop whining. I know I said we’d go swimming, but we’re stuck here at the zoo. Just enjoy watching the monkeys fling poo.

“Transdaddy, what’s with the scrambled eggs and oatmeal?! You promised me ice cream!”  “Look, everyone is tired. Just eat it, okay? We’ll have ice cream for supper.”

“You make milk bubbles like this …”

“Of course this is safe. He’s laughing, I swear. Stop taking snapshots of every damn thing we do!”

“And after we race the cars around the bed, we can throw the TV out the window, and then glue all of the furniture to the ceiling.”

“I do NOT pay more attention to your little brother! I only spend so much time with him because I’m afraid he’ll fall on his head. For crying out loud, I need a candy cigarette!” Marlon Richards in a dual-role as Son 1.

“This is the last family vacation forever! You people won’t ever quit nagging and fighting and whining … the motel smelled like mildew … my family is dysfunctional and incoherent … my candy cigarette addiction is back. Let’s go the hell home!”

* Starring Keith and Marlon Richards as Transman and sons.

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