“Old MacDonald never had nothin’ like this on his farm.” Keith and Marlon Richards and a friend as Transman and sons. Image from Tumblr.
Transman’s tired and lazy, so he is doing what he hates for other people to do–repeat all the crap his kids say. Mr. Cosby, take five. Go get yourself a new sweater or some pudding to share with Art Linkletter’s ghost, because here’s tonight’s version of “Kids Say The Darndest Things.”
On the topic of grooming
Son 2: “I’m gonna make something out of ear wax.”
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You know you’ve dressed for success when your kid says, “You look like a scientist!”
“Quiet, you!” Mr. Peabody as himself.
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While Son 2 was brushing his teeth, he spat, and looked at our reflections in the mirror. He said, “You have the best hair in the house!” I’m not sure whose reflection he was talking to, but he was adamant.
“I think hilarious things, too, but I keep them to myself.” Slash as Son 1 who actually does have the best hair in the house.
On the subject of school
Me: “How was school?”
Son 2: “Kinda good. Kinda bad.”
Me: “How’s your teacher?”
Son 2: “She yells a lot.”
****
Me: “So, how was school?”
Son 2: “I’m in the Monster Club.”
To hell with you, Rocket Club nerds!
“Be one of us!”
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According to an interview in his school newspaper Son 2 “wants to be a cheetah and plans on going to college.”
“They laughed when I said I was going to college to find my next husband!” Kim Kardashian better keep her claws offa Son 2.
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Son 2 collapsing in a giggle fit, “is there really a book called Moby Dick?” Oh, Mr. Melville, you really needed to have an editor who could point out this potential flaw in your legacy. “But, Herman, school children for generations will laugh until they wet themselves.”
Miscellaneous subjects
Son 2: “Guess who?”
Me: “Ethel Merman?” (Just giving him material to discuss in all those therapy sessions he has in his future.)
“I’m going to rewrite this post so it’s actually funny!” Ethel Merman as herself.
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Son 2: “Do you have enough money for a mansion? I really want one of those.”
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Son 2: “Want a song stuck in your head?”
Me: “No.”
Son 2: “Ice, ice baby …”
I am raising Damian.
“Word to your mother.” Vanilla Ice as himself.
August 22nd, 2012 at 10:58 am
Son #2 is hilarious! You’ve got some awesome kids there.
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:58 pm
They do rock. Which is good since at least one of them is likely to still be living in my basement when he’s 35.
August 23rd, 2012 at 12:21 pm
I woke up this morning with “Eastbound and Down” going through my head (no idea where that came from since I’m not normally a Jerry Reed fan or an admirer of Burt Reynolds). Maybe “we’ve got a long way to go and a short time to get there” has some subconscious significance, Ice, Ice Baby.
August 23rd, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Or maybe you have an obsession with Paul Williams that runs so deep and secret it can only express itself with those on the periphery of his bright shining star. That, or you ate onions rings too close to bed time.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:15 am
Great, now I have Vanilla Ice serenading me. Better than “Jingle Bells,” though. Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way ….
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:55 pm
You can always make a game of sticking songs in people’s heads. It won’t win you any friends, though.
August 22nd, 2012 at 11:29 am
This is hilarious! Kids can be so unintentionally hilarious sometimes. I really cracked up reading the mansion quote. I’d like one too!
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:56 pm
He’s very obsessed with having a mansion one day. I was worried that he was showing manifest materialism as a way of rebelling against his hippiefied raising, but it turns out he just wants to be like Bruce Wayne.
August 22nd, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Your Son 2 is so going to rock this world!
August 22nd, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Or chase it down and eat it when he becomes a cheetah.
August 22nd, 2012 at 5:40 pm
Which is exactly the same thing as rocking it!! How many boys turned cheetah do you know?? See my point!!
He sounds wonderful.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:03 pm
True confession: I still remember exactly where I was the first time I heard that Vanilla Ice song. I was staring at a white Ford Escort that even had white windshield wipers and white rims and I felt like I was witnessing history in the making. Now I’m going to go cry tears of shame in a bowl of ice cream.
Ice Ice baby, the shame.
August 22nd, 2012 at 8:46 pm
That is beautiful. Too bad that moment wasn’t captured forever in some medium that could be shared with the world. Or at least an ice sculpture.
August 24th, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Was Ice his last name or was it Cream?
August 25th, 2012 at 8:43 am
Either way, he was cool and smooth.
August 23rd, 2012 at 6:53 am
Scientists don’t dress all that well. (I think for the most part, we never evolve past the stage where we look like grad students all the time.) Mr. Peabody is the exception rather than the rule, but it’s nice to know that we’re considered to be at least a little more fashionable than walking around in white lab coats and pocket protectors.
August 23rd, 2012 at 6:55 am
I kind of wonder what a “reverse post” would look like if Son 2 were to write, “Parents Say the Darndest Things” ….
August 23rd, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Is this a challenge, sir?
August 24th, 2012 at 7:47 am
Let’s call it challenging curiosity…
August 25th, 2012 at 8:27 am
What’s the scientific version of “this has to marinate”?
August 25th, 2012 at 10:37 am
“Incubate at ambient temperature…”
August 25th, 2012 at 11:39 am
Cool. Good to know.
My sister wrote a recipe that included directions to “preheat oven to hotter than hell,” so you can see our family is not great with concrete details.
August 25th, 2012 at 6:22 pm
I suppose that would be a perfect temperature if she was baking brimstone.
August 25th, 2012 at 6:59 pm
I wish I had thought of that. You have bested me.
August 23rd, 2012 at 5:12 pm
I am going to start using “you look like a scientist!” as a compliment.
August 23rd, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Let’s see if we can get it to catch on. Maybe we’ll wind up in the Oxford English Dictionary one day.
August 24th, 2012 at 7:06 pm
This is not surprising as Transman and I used to share the following verbal exchange on a daily basis:
Transman: Guess what?
Me: What?
Transman: Chicken butt.
I’m not sure what’s more pathetic – the fact that I fell for it every single fucking time or that Transman could never be bothered to come up with a new line. Damn us both to hell.