“Whoa, Nelly! This water’s so cold my outtie just turned into an innie!” Jack Nicholson as Transman. image
The weather here is currently about a thousand degrees with two hundred percent humidity.
“I’ll stop making noise; please don’t grind me up and add me to your ice cream.” Ewww, a cicada.
Cicadas are chirping, adding to the feeling of being in a 1950s B-movie about predator creatures in a jungle eating a hapless crew of explorers who have wandered into a lost world. My shins are sweating. The cat wants to unzip her fur, for goodness’ sake. It’s hot. Hotter than Hades.
And, Transman is bitter about the shape of his birthday suit.
Summer is when Transman feels a giant amount of disconnect from his body. Most people can suit up and go to the beach or pool without feeling like they are in an alien body and being constantly reminded of that fact by looking down and seeing body parts that should not be there. Granted, many folks are not happy with their bodies–some may want to shed a few pounds or tighten up their abs, but generally, they feel okay with the parts that are covered by their bathing suit.
Transman’s clothes as themselves.
Transman likes winter because no one thinks it’s weird for him to be in layers of clothes. They don’t know he’s camouflaging his chest. In the winter, he’s any other shaggy youngish professional. In the summer, if he’s dressed in layers, he’s a freak or a potential shoplifter.
When Transman is naked and catches a glimpse of his chest he thinks, “Where did these furry coconuts come from?! Why are they attached to me?”
Transman would like nothing more than to take off his shirt when he’s hot.
He would like to sleep without a shirt between his skin and cool sheets.
He would like to be on the “skins” team in a shirts vs. skins game of basketball.
He would like to go swimming in just trunks. He feels silly wearing trunks and a shirt. Yes, lots of men do the same because they fear the sun’s damaging rays or are self-conscious about their own moobs, but they have the option of going without a shirt. He doesn’t have that option unless he moves to the French Riviera. Even if he had the French Riviera option, he wouldn’t take it because “going topless” would reinforce how the rest of the world sees him.
Maybe if Transman does lose his hair, he’ll go shirtless, moobs and all. He’ll just try to convince everyone he’s a middle-aged dude embracing the natural effects of gravity like Jack Nicholson.
“Now, Transman, don’t be a p***k,” Jack Nicholson as himself. image
July 24th, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I don’t know what to say. I just wish that you had the body you should have. x
July 25th, 2012 at 6:46 am
One day I’ll get close.
July 25th, 2012 at 7:56 am
I know. I have complete faith in that. I just wish you were born with it. But then you wouldn’t have your sons and they are so wonderful. I guess you are going to get the best of both worlds, I just wish you had the body you should have had AND your sons.
July 24th, 2012 at 8:19 pm
I try hard to empathize with people when I read or hear their stories. This post has me at a loss, as it would be wrong for me to say I understand how you feel about this.
I do wish you didn’t have to deal with this and had been born with all the right parts in the first place.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:47 am
Thanks. There’s not much to say. I just had to vent a little.
July 25th, 2012 at 10:34 am
Well, you have a gift even for venting.
July 24th, 2012 at 8:46 pm
Furry coconuts sound so tropical and refreshing but not, alas, when they are attached to your chest. I’m sorry, Transman. That sucks. On the upside, I loved you in Terms of Endearment.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:48 am
Thank you. I kind of like my earlier work, but I think my forays into comedy are more consistently good than DeNiro’s.
July 25th, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Nothing against DeNiro, but I don’t see him hanging out with anorexic super models at Laker games.
July 24th, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Oh Transman you made Sassie Mae sad.. I don’t understand the whys & hows of alot in life but I do know you should be able to rip off that shirt with no odd feelings at all..
Damn dude…
July 25th, 2012 at 6:49 am
Oh, Sassie Mae, don’t be sad. Life just is sometimes.
July 24th, 2012 at 9:05 pm
What these ladies ^^^ said. I can’t imagine what you must go through.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:49 am
Thanks, M. Weebles.
July 24th, 2012 at 9:45 pm
I think if men can go topless women should be able to as well.
That has nothing to do with what you are feeling. I agree with everyone else that I wish you had the body you want. I would not wear a bathing suit in public and I cannot stand seeing myself naked, but I know it is not the same. When I was younger I was ok with it. Much love transman, bring on winter.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:50 am
Maybe we need a society without mirrors.
July 24th, 2012 at 9:47 pm
T-Man….Even though you’re not cool as in cold-cool….you are waaay cool in every other sense of the word. You’ve got your own front….but I’ve got your back………………
July 25th, 2012 at 6:51 am
Thank you … now I need a motorcycle jacket.
July 24th, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Nothing to say here but sending warm (okay, cool) thoughts your way…
July 25th, 2012 at 6:52 am
Popsicles make most things better.
July 25th, 2012 at 2:33 am
I completely get it being mtf pre SRS, I love swimming, I love beaches (not the film) and would love to be relaxed about my body but until I have surgery I have to accept being the women in jeans on the beach.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:53 am
One day, I hope we’re both able to relax and be ourselves everywhere we go.
July 25th, 2012 at 4:39 am
It’s hard enough managing breasts even when ya want em, let alone when ya REALLY don’t. xo transman.
July 25th, 2012 at 6:53 am
Thanks.
July 26th, 2012 at 9:33 am
=(
July 27th, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Your moobs are furry now? Awesome! You’re half-way there, dude!
July 27th, 2012 at 11:48 pm
After spending his first southern summer wearing a binder, my boy says he is more looking forward to top surgery than he is to starting T. I wish i had a big ole farm with a cool pond where all you guys could meet up and pull your shirts off and just enjoy being yourselves. (Or maybe a mansion with an indoor pool…)
July 28th, 2012 at 11:03 am
I love the tenderness of your words. Your heart is certainly in the right place! Your blog is a wonderful read. Thank you for opening up and sharing your world with the rest of us. You expand my horizons in a way that doesn’t hurt. lol Take good care of yourself, my friend. xoxo Julia
July 28th, 2012 at 11:20 am
Thank you very much. I’m glad that you’re getting something out of the blog. Thanks for reading.
August 2nd, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Is there a predicted state of mooblessness in your near future?
August 3rd, 2012 at 12:52 am
That would depend on if I start playing and winning the lottery, marry a sugar mama, or turn to a life of crime.
August 3rd, 2012 at 12:53 am
Why not hedge your bets and go for all three?
August 5th, 2012 at 10:48 am
Wouldn’t it be nice if we had single payer health care and if it covered breast reduction for trans men? Can you just imagine Rush’s reaction? Maybe he would have a massive stroke and never be on the air again.
Thanks for visiting my blog transrelative.com and liking it, BTW. I hope you find a way to make your body conform with your brain’s image of yourself.
Stay well.
August 5th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Thank you for coming by and commenting. It would be great if medical care for trans people was covered by more insurance companies. I’ve lived overseas and paid higher taxes for electronics and household stuff to offset the medical care and it’s worth it. Too bad that seems to “commie” to our political leaders.
August 11th, 2012 at 3:20 pm
I am STILL trying to get that pic of Jack Nicholson out of my head. LOL
August 11th, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Just look at it like this: Jack loves life and it shows.
August 13th, 2012 at 11:05 am
I could not agree more!! He’s one of my all-time-faves (but GROSSSSSS) LOL.