I just want to take off my shirt

“Whoa, Nelly! This water’s so cold my outtie just turned into an innie!” Jack Nicholson as Transman. image

The weather here is currently about a thousand degrees with two hundred percent humidity.

“I’ll stop making noise; please don’t grind me up and add me to your ice cream.” Ewww, a cicada.

Cicadas are chirping, adding to the feeling of being in a 1950s B-movie about predator creatures in a jungle eating a hapless crew of explorers who have wandered into a lost world. My shins are sweating. The cat  wants to unzip her fur, for goodness’ sake. It’s hot. Hotter than Hades.

And, Transman is bitter about the shape of his birthday suit.

Summer is when Transman feels a giant amount of disconnect from his body. Most people can suit up and go to the beach or pool without feeling like they are in an alien body and being constantly reminded of that fact by looking down and seeing body parts that should not be there. Granted, many folks are not happy with their bodies–some may want to shed a few pounds or tighten up their abs, but generally, they feel okay with the parts that are covered by their bathing suit.

Transman’s clothes as themselves.

Transman likes winter because no one thinks it’s weird for him to be in layers of clothes. They don’t know he’s camouflaging his chest. In the winter, he’s any other shaggy youngish professional. In the summer, if he’s dressed in layers, he’s a freak or a potential shoplifter.

When Transman is naked and catches a glimpse of his chest he thinks, “Where did these furry coconuts come from?! Why are they attached to me?”

Transman would like nothing more than to take off his shirt when he’s hot.

He would like to sleep without a shirt between his skin and cool sheets.

He would like to be on the “skins” team in a shirts vs. skins game of basketball.

He would like to go swimming in just trunks. He feels silly wearing trunks and a shirt. Yes, lots of men do the same because they fear the sun’s damaging rays or are self-conscious about their own moobs, but they have the option of going without a shirt. He doesn’t have that option unless he moves to the French Riviera. Even if he had the French Riviera option, he wouldn’t take it because “going topless” would reinforce how the rest of the world sees him.

Maybe if Transman does lose his hair, he’ll go shirtless, moobs and all. He’ll just try to convince everyone he’s a middle-aged dude embracing the natural effects of gravity like Jack Nicholson.

“Now, Transman, don’t be a p***k,” Jack Nicholson as himself. image

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38 responses to “I just want to take off my shirt

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