“I don’t know what I love more … Transman or his car.”
We all know that everyone judges a man by his car. We may claim that we don’t do that, but if a guy drives up in a Smart Car or on a bike, no one will take him seriously as a man.
“Naaaah, itsh cool. Justa little spill. ‘mokay.” That Relative We Pretend Not to Know as himself.
Truthfully, if he rides up on a bike, his chances are better than if he’s driving a Smart Car.
If you’re on a bike you can claim to be training for a sport, or even better, that your license is suspended, which gives you “bad boy” caché. Sure, people might claim that DUIs and suspended licenses are bad news and proof of irresponsible behavior, but I bet every one of you can probably think of some rakish drunken relative that seems to survive on charisma alone.
“I hate going to the record shop with Transman. He takes forever. Oh, well, he’s just so dreamy, it’s worth the wait.” Audrey Tautou as Transman’s fantasy girlfriend.
Let Transman say he thinks women riding bikes are hot. He fantasizes that all of them are French and full of joie de vivre. Old Italian men look great on bikes, too, because they’re usually smoking and have rumpled suits and windblown manes of hair. Transman wants to grow up to be an old Italian man (except for the smoking part; that would be bad for his asthma).
Transman loved cars when he was little. Hot Wheels and Matchbox cars filled his room. He drew very bad versions of the Batmobile to pass time in school. He had his heart set on a Cadillac with giant fins.
That was little Transman. When Transman was a tween, he had a terrible moped accident and nearly swore off all motorized vehicles forever. (Culvert pipes are not very forgiving pieces of drainage equipment when struck head-on.)
“C’mon, Transman! I’ll give you these delicious frosty treats if you can parallel park!” Christie Brinkley as Twyla Fay.
When Transman was 16, his dad bought him a 1969 Dodge Polara for $100. Since his father had invested good money in a car, Transman was obligated to learn to drive. His father was the first one to try to teach him.
Somehow, they wound up in an old Audi Fox that would get stuck in reverse. Transman once had to drive backwards through the neighborhood to get home from the library. Transman’s dad rode along white-knuckled and cussing in the passenger seat, now wishing they had taken his work truck instead.
As soon as they got home from the library, Transman’s dad gave up the driving lessons and turned the job over to Transman’s sister Twyla Fay.
“Let’s hit the open road!” Nudie Cohn as Transman.
Transman eventually got his license and then he was the terror of mailboxes everywhere; Buddy Holly glasses and backing out of the driveway don’t mix.
Transman fantasized about different manly cars and trucks, but his budget left him in the “Classic Clunkers” market. Not every one of those cars was a loser, though. Some were sort of badass in a quirky way.
Some of Transman’s best rides:
Transman’s absolute redneck cool rides were his Caddys. Yes, he did make that dream come true. Twice.
The 1989 gold Fleetwood with the fine champagne leather seats made him wish he had a Nudie suit. His proudest driving moment wasn’t driving through New York City traffic or surviving the freeways of the Middle East. No, it was successfully parallel parking a 1981 Cadillac Sedan DeVille on a hill with one inch between him and the cars on either end. Transman was so proud of his skills, he had to walk across the street and admire his work from the right perspective. If he had been living in the era of smartphones, Transman would have snapped photo after photo and posted them on all social media outlets for the world to admire.
These cars are so long, you can’t photograph them with a regular camera.
The Ford Pinto station wagon came in robin’s egg blue. At $500, it was the most expensive car Transman had ever owned. It was not at all suited for his life as a reporter in cow country. Driving up to the rodeo grounds to interview champion bull riders in the Pinto got him nothing but laughter from guys whose body parts were held together with pins and whose ribs were reinforced with layers of medical tape. Yes, it was a Ford. But. It. Was. A. Pinto. Sometimes, Transman liked to f**k with passengers and bump into things when he went in reverse (for those of you who were born long after the original Fraggle Rock went off the airwaves, the Ford Pinto had a reputation for exploding when rear-ended).
“You better hope there’s nothing behind me.” The Ford Pinto as itself.
Transman had a short-lived muscle car period. It started with a Dodge Aspen that he had to start witha screwdriver and ended with a Chevy Nova that got T-boned. The Aspen had a Slant Six engine and the Chevy Nova had a V8. Once they got going, they really got going and people got the hell out of Transman’s way. With a few more tattoos and a toothpick hanging out of his mouth, Transman would’ve been the ultimate badass roaring down the the road.
“Get the hell out of my way! If I don’t get doughnuts and the new Cramps album, I will kill someone!” The Chevy Nova runnin’ like nobody’s business.
Maybe it’s because she was his first, but Transman will always love the Dodge Polara. Because he wasn’t very creative when he was 16, he just called her Polara. She was his ice queen with her white exterior and powder blue vinyl seats. The shiny chrome on the instrument panels winked at him every time he got behind the wheel. The chrome winked in the sun, blinding him, making him swerve and run down unsuspecting mailboxes all over town. Polara, I will always love you.
Truth in advertising: the 1969 Dodge Polara.
Transman knows he should just be his own man and not worry about what people think of him when he gets out of his Ford Fiesta, but he can’t help it. Even if he cranks up the stereo when he’s got NWA thumping the bass or draws a mustache on the front bumper, there is no way to make that car even slightly manly. Transman might as well give up and get a bike.
“Why are you getting off the bike?” Buster Keaton as Transman. “That guy over there has a bitchin’ Camaro.” Sybil Seely as Transman’s future girlfriend.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:01 am
You were totally inspired by http://geminigirlinarandomworld.com/2012/07/18/why-you-cant-pimp-my-ride/
right?
I can totally feel it. I also had a dream last night that there was a ghost in my house. Totally unrelated but I’m working on four hours of sleep and it’s still kind of freaking me out.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:03 am
That wasn’t a ghost. It was Robert Downey Jr. practicing astral projection.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:14 am
In my dreams. Ha! Get it? In my dreams?
July 21st, 2012 at 10:04 am
If only I had read yours first, I would not have bothered writing mine.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:16 am
That’s an incredibly kind statement, made even moreso by the presence of Robert Downey Jr. lurking in your words.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:18 am
He is actually possessing my hands as I type.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:13 am
a) “Truthfully, if he rides up on a bike, his chances are better than if he’s driving a Smart Car.” ‘Tis true.
b) Where is the picture of Johnny Depp?
c) Um, a Ford Fiesta? Yeah, may as well be a Smart Car….
July 21st, 2012 at 10:14 am
You really only come here for Johnny Depp, don’t you. Well, here ya go:
http://i2.listal.com/image/519631/600full-johnny-depp.jpg
July 21st, 2012 at 11:09 am
And on a bike. Nice.
I come here for you and Johnny Depp.
July 21st, 2012 at 3:39 pm
But, mostly, you come here for Johnny Depp. I know.
July 21st, 2012 at 8:05 pm
60 Johnny/40 you.
July 21st, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Good thing I suck at math because I think that equals up to “Transman is 100 percent cool!”
July 21st, 2012 at 11:20 am
I had fun reading your post, Transman. What a great Saturday morning treat for me, thank you!
July 21st, 2012 at 11:21 am
Thanks for spending part of your morning reading my blog.
July 21st, 2012 at 11:26 am
It makes me think of my first car and how well ventilated it was. You could see the road through the hole in the floor on the driver’s side!
Fun post and I needed fun!
July 21st, 2012 at 11:28 am
You had the Fred Flintstone model.
July 21st, 2012 at 11:34 am
I did!
July 21st, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Had one of them there Ford Pintos..once. Please don’t tell.
July 21st, 2012 at 3:39 pm
We’re just in the uber-Cool Club of former Pinto owners.
July 21st, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Uber-Cool Club…I like it!!
July 21st, 2012 at 3:38 pm
The Polara truly suits your bluesy nature. On the bright side, the Fiesta is a traveling party. It says so in the name and surely Ford would never lie for economic gain.
July 21st, 2012 at 3:40 pm
I embrace your positive spin on my rides past and present.
July 21st, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Johnny Depp is the only guy I know who could ride a girl’s bike and still look manly. Ummm, Robert Downey, Jr.? Not so much.
July 22nd, 2012 at 1:11 am
Yes, but neither of them can pull off chaps and a cowboy hat while biking. Leave that to the legendary Steve McQueen.
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lchpr9J7Bn1qf6o97o1_400.jpg
July 22nd, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Well, you’re sort of right. I think Steve McQueen has it all over Johnny and Robert. But still, Johnny DID do it on a girl’s bike. I mean, cmon…
July 21st, 2012 at 8:51 pm
I think you can still a be a studmuffin and a chick magnet while driving a Fiesta.
Many years ago I had a boyfriend who had a ’66 Mustang convertible. It was a sweet ride, of course. But once we were at a red light alongside a guy driving a Honda Civic or something. A very ordinary car. But the guy driving was dreamy. At that minute I would have taken the Civic over the hot muscle car any day.
So the moral of the story is, it ain’t JUST the car.
July 21st, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I would have to work hard to be dreamy. It may be easier just to get a better car.
July 21st, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Hi,
Love u transman!
My first car (1982) was a silver AMC nineteen seventy-something Pacer bequeathed upon me by my groovy grandparents!
http://misslisted.com/2012/01/28/my-hooptie/
Sadly, despite all my bragging about this car in the post, it has since bit the dust and I’m now driving a silver 1999 Volvo station wagon I purchased for $3500. Swag!
July 21st, 2012 at 10:47 pm
oops, meant to preface my link by saying that I too had written a post about my car…
July 22nd, 2012 at 1:19 am
The Pacer is one American legend I’ve not yet driven. I did have an AMC Eagle station wagon that was a lovely honey-dijion color and belched out clouds of black smoke.
Well, now that you have the Volvo, you have to buy a golden retriever.
July 22nd, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Well, since I already have a (giant) dog, and I prefer to remain somewhat neutral as to exactly what “type” of person I am, I shall continue along my merry way “adorning” the Volvo with all manner of detritus including but not limited to: coffee spills, bits of seaweed, skateboard parts, yoga pants, sheafs of important papers, discarded take out containers, dirty socks, and, well, you get the picture.
July 22nd, 2012 at 4:22 pm
One of my favorite pieces of car decor is the fossilized French fry.
July 22nd, 2012 at 4:04 pm
I just added you to my blogroll, I hope you get at least one click!
July 23rd, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Hey – thought you might dig this footage of Rick Mercer and Allan Hawco doing donuts with the car from Hawco’s show Republic of Doyle: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IWh2cAMK3Lc&feature=results_main&playnext=1&list=PL60389BEA800AA1FA
July 28th, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Once, my father saw a person in a ditch that had fallen off their bike and was passed out.
July 28th, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Was it one of my relatives?
August 7th, 2012 at 9:24 pm
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