“If I photograph my ‘ankles’ and post the pix, I’ll make loads of cash!” Johnny Depp as Transman. image
“I’m never far away, Transman … even when you can’t see me, I’m seeing you.”
Transman took a gander at the search terms that led people to his blog. Understandably, many of the terms can’t be repeated here on this family-friend blog. Those folks were looking for all kinds of transman fetish things–and no, not fetish as in an object worshiped for its magical powers or because it is possessed by a spirit.
Transman was not particularly surprised to find 242 people found his blog by typing in “Johnny depp 2012.” Another 172 found their way with “Barbie face.” Surprisingly more people looked for “Waylon Jennings” (85) and “Slash without glasses” (49) than “Ashley judd wet clothing” (34).
Some version of Johnny Depp, Slash, or Sean Connery dominates the overall Top Ten. Many people in this world have fetishes for certain body parts on Tina Fey, Ashley Judd, Harrison Ford, and Patrick Stewart. Who knew?
“It’s no surprise that I’m in the Top Ten, Transman!” Sean Connery as himself. image
Transman compiled his own favorite Top Ten search terms that led people to his blog:
10. poutine guns
9. tom waits hearing tubes
8. how do you put voodoo on someone with their toenail cilipping
7. would you buy your wife tampons
6. sean connery chuck Norris ain’t
5. Cockroach tattoo designs
4. I love moobs bracelet
3. How to cut your hair like Keith Richards*
2. I don’t care what you do in your life I have my own
Transman couldn’t find a Poutine Coloring Page for you, so here’s a map of Canada. image
“Poutine guns? Really?!? Actually, that sounds kinda fun.” Charlyne Yi as herself. image
* Transman has experience doing this. He’ll fill you in later.
July 10th, 2012 at 4:08 pm
You so fracking funny. had to keep it PG.
July 10th, 2012 at 5:57 pm
Thank for following the fracking rules.
July 10th, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Firstly, that picture at the top kept me from reading the rest for a good thirty seconds, Allan (my long suffering husband) asks that you put the Johnny pictures near the end in future so he doesn’t have to ask me, “Why are you not doing anything??” only to hear, “No reason…” as the answer before looking over my shoulder and saying, “Oh… you do remember it is our wedding anniversary this weekend?!”.
Secondly, why the heck are you not published??? I know I ask this weekly but publishers can’t be this stupid can they???
Do I need to start sending letters asking when the long awaited Transman book is coming out as I hear they are publishing you until the curiousity gets to them and they search you out and sign you up??!
You can take a nothing topic and make it genius. I love your writing!! Please never stop (and kudos for the uber hot picture of JD and the one that Sean Connery may well sue you for! Plan A might be the one!)
I couldn’t find a colouring page for poutine either – but here is a link to one for fries – they can add their own gravy and cheese curds!
http://printablecolouringpages.co.uk/?s=poutine&page=1
It has “bonus” Beiber colouring pages too.
July 10th, 2012 at 6:00 pm
Tell Allan that if I put the Johnny Depp pictures at the end, no one will stop here at all.
Do you guys have an anniversary every weekend? That would be both awesome and tiring.
I think your letter-writing campaign must be incorporated into my publishing plan alphabet.
Thank you for going on a research trip for me.
July 10th, 2012 at 8:28 pm
No, we only have one anniversary a year, you just scored the best Johnnie picture on the week before the anniversary. Which shows genius on your part.
I actually like the idea of an anniversary every weekend – it would mean wine!
If my letter writing campaign gets a letter can it be D for Dylan to make Allan feel better about the Johnnie Depp picture debacle this morning!
July 10th, 2012 at 9:41 pm
It depends, does the “D for Dylan” stand for Bob Dyaln, Dylan Thomas, or Dylan from 90210?
July 12th, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Bob. Hence the names of our pups, Bob and Echo. Allan is partial to a bit of Bob Dylan music from time time and by that I mean constantly!
July 12th, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Allan and I might be twins.
July 15th, 2012 at 8:23 am
I cut his hair.
July 10th, 2012 at 8:29 pm
No, we only have one anniversary a year, you just scored the best Johnnie picture on the week before the anniversary. Which shows genius on your part.
I actually like the idea of an anniversary every weekend – it would mean wine!
If my letter writing campaign gets a letter can it be D for Dylan to make Allan feel better about the Johnnie Depp picture debacle this morning!
And any time you need some “important” research done I am the one you should call on – but if it is vital to life choose someone smarter!
July 10th, 2012 at 4:41 pm
My blog’s number one search term of all time is: DILDO. I said the word once, it was a joke- and yet…
That’s almost compensated by the fact that my number two search term is Umberto Eco, who I (also) only mentioned once.
July 10th, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Great. Now both of those will be search terms on *my* blog. Thanks.
July 10th, 2012 at 6:01 pm
Although Umberto Eco is pretty cool. Wonder if there are pictures of him dressed in Spandex anywhere on the net.
July 10th, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Mmm, poutine guns… ^_^
July 10th, 2012 at 6:02 pm
I’m thinking the best we could do is have one team shoot potato guns at another team with Super Soakers filled with gravy. Onlookers can toss cheese curds on the pile.
August 27th, 2012 at 11:55 pm
Hey, whatever works. ^_^
July 10th, 2012 at 5:10 pm
I can’t figure out why in the world anyone would be looking for a poutine colouring page (maybe Le Clown can tell us), and what the frig is with #8? Wow. People ARE weird.
At the same time, this gives me some kind of comfort…knowing that the weirdos aren’t only getting to my blog.
July 10th, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Think how happy your kids would be with a whole Poutine Coloring Book.
July 10th, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Gravy AND cheese curds…they’d LOVE it.
July 10th, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Oh I have definitely been sitting in the train station too long because until now, I have never even looked at what search things on my blog.. Hell, i only found out about “site stats” a month ago..
YOurs are hilarious, bet mine will be something so droll and boring..(*scared to look now
July 10th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
I’m betting you’ll get at least one “Guava-flavored bathing suit.”
July 10th, 2012 at 6:33 pm
I’m beginning to think that your obsession with Johnny Depp might be a little unhealthy.
July 10th, 2012 at 7:43 pm
I’m just waiting for that dude to sue me. Plus, it’s the only way to keep 94 percent of my readers.
July 11th, 2012 at 12:11 am
I’m 100% here. Thanks for posting a Johnny Depp picture I haven’t yet seen. I’m always looking for something new to wallpaper my ceiling with. =)
July 10th, 2012 at 7:16 pm
Bizarre, NSFW searches have turned out in my blog too, like something-something about hairy men. Makes you wonder what people are thinking.
July 10th, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I don’t want to know what most people are thinking.
July 10th, 2012 at 8:25 pm
You don’t want to hear what I’m thinking after knowing you live somewhere called Poutine.
July 10th, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I wish I lived somewhere called Poutine.
July 10th, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Now that I read that caption carefully, I wish you did.
July 10th, 2012 at 10:02 pm
We have to start our own country.
July 10th, 2012 at 8:54 pm
I’ve been disturbed by some of the searches that have led people to my blog, and have even gone back to the page that turned up to see how the heck that combination of words even existed. It certainly makes me glad i don’t reveal my son’s identity or, even more importantly, post any photos of him. *shudder*
July 10th, 2012 at 9:42 pm
I hear ya. My poor celebrity stand-ins. I love them for giving me and the spawn some illusion of anonymity.
July 11th, 2012 at 2:12 am
Sean, I hardly knew ye! And now I’ll never be able to look at ye again with a straight face…
July 11th, 2012 at 6:52 pm
He had to break out of the James Bond stereotype somehow.
July 11th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Yeah, but break out doesn’t necessarily mean completely break down, does it?
July 11th, 2012 at 11:01 am
Can your next post please be on how to cut one’s hair like Keith Richards?
July 11th, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Yes. Yes, it can.
July 12th, 2012 at 7:07 pm
That will be one to read and keep forever!
July 11th, 2012 at 1:03 pm
AMAZING. Seriously. This made me laugh like a loon.
July 11th, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Glad to set off a gigglefit.
July 13th, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Who knew anyone could come up with those search terms. I get strange ones but you beat me by a long shot.
August 30th, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I made this for you.
August 30th, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I mean this. https://fbcdn-sphotos-c-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/539118_10151147035902188_564438589_n.jpg
(tried to add an image to your comments but your template won’t allow it because it is stupid)
August 30th, 2012 at 8:58 pm
That is beautiful. We will have to work on a scratch ‘n’ sniff version.