“Tea and bat heads make you grow chest hair.” Ozzy Osbourne as Transman; Slash as Transman’s oldest. Image.
Transman came home from work and was beat. All he wanted was to veg out and wait for the shepherd’s pie to warm up. Little did he know, a challenge to his masculinity was looming on the horizon.
Son 1 plopped down on the couch next to Transman and put his feet up on the coffee table. The lad slapped his belly and raised an eyebrow at Transman. The gauntlet had been tossed.
“I have hair on my chest now,” the boy said, making sure Transman understood the full implication of the chest thumping and belly slapping. Indeed, the hair that a month before had simply encircled the kid’s belly button was now heading north, ready to meet up with the lad’s eyebrows at some point.
Transman put his leg up next to the boy’s.
“Still, I have winter socks and you’re naked as a Jaybird,” Transman said, eyeing the sparse blond hairs on the lad’s calf. Next to the glorious fur socks covering Transman’s shin, the boy’s pale leg looked like it might just glow in the dark.
Transman’s son ran a finger over the fuzz on his upper lip and said, “I have a mustache.”
“That just looks like dirt,” Transman said. He stopped short of spitting on his finger and rubbing at the shadowy fuzz. “Besides, I have 10 chin whiskers.”
“Whiskers schmiskers. I have a mustache. M-U-S-T-A-C-H-E … MUSTACHE!” The lad grinned and smoothed down the wispy hairs on his upper lip.
“Yeah, well, I have my driver’s license,” Transman said and jiggled his car keys at the kid. “In your face!”
June 4th, 2012 at 11:20 pm
I laughed out loud at this one. Let’s just hope you’ve grown a goatee by the time he turns 16.
June 4th, 2012 at 11:44 pm
If not, that kid better sleep with one eye open. I’m not opposed to sabotaging the competition with a little Nair. I mean, I spent all that time being misgendered and poorly socialized as a girl, I might as well draw on the secret knowledge I have amassed.
June 5th, 2012 at 8:34 pm
And considering how much hair that kid has on his head, you could devastate any chance he has of ever scoring a girlfriend if you were to drizzle it on his rock star worthy tresses while he sleeps.
June 5th, 2012 at 12:01 am
“In your face!” is one of my favorite come-backs of all time, right in front of “I know you are but what am I?”. Try that one next time on your son. He’ll think you are SO cool.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:24 pm
Good advice because shouting, “I’m rubber and you’re glue … whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!” would only be met with snickers and “You said ‘rubber.’”
June 6th, 2012 at 10:21 am
I tried the whole “Sticks and Stones” thing once and my kids just looked at me like I was born in the 70s or something.
June 6th, 2012 at 5:36 pm
I can hear Son 1 now: “Dude, you are so last century!” or “Way to be mid-Twentieth century, jerk!”
June 5th, 2012 at 12:52 am
Nice! Just pray that your hair doesn’t fall off the top of your head while his beard comes in.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:25 pm
Yeah, I’m paranoid about my head hair migrating south.
June 5th, 2012 at 1:13 am
You know, I might be showing my age (and other things) here, but the Furry Freak Brothers just popped into my head, and they ain’t been there in quite some time…
June 5th, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I almost used The Hair Bear Bunch, so, yeah, we’re a couple of old dudes.
June 5th, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Damn, forgot all about The Hair Bear Bunch… (Not sure how THAT was even possible.)
June 5th, 2012 at 3:49 am
Note to self: Never read transman’s posts at 3:48 when your husband and two pups are sleeping beside you. It results in me laughing out loud and scaring the life out of the innocent sleepers!
You are seriously hilarious. I adore your posts. Write lots more please!!!
June 5th, 2012 at 5:26 pm
You should be getting more sleep; my stuff’s not so funny when you’ve had a full night’s sleep.
June 6th, 2012 at 12:44 am
Your stuff is ALWAYS funny!
I just have one comment… bring back the Johnny!!
Seriously, if you published a book of your blog posts I would buy it in a heartbeat and send it out as gifts too!
Thank you so much for sharing your fun and family.
June 6th, 2012 at 5:38 pm
I need to find patrons of the arts so I can keep you entertained.
June 10th, 2012 at 10:35 pm
I would love you to find a patron or ten – just so you can be a full time writer and entertain the world!
June 5th, 2012 at 8:35 am
TM,
Your posts with your kids at home are some of my favorites. Thanks of such an enjoyable read, and good luck with the hair growth!
-Eli
PS: The driver’s license touché was brilliant. Well played, sir.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:26 pm
It’s a rare moment when I can outwit that kid.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:34 pm
You have two sons, right? What are their ages?
June 5th, 2012 at 5:40 pm
One’s a teenager and the other one is going into first grade.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Ah, Slash and the little one: will you be renaming them for the blog’s sake?
June 5th, 2012 at 9:16 am
This totally made me crack up! Thanks for sharing with us!!!
June 5th, 2012 at 5:34 pm
The competition between us is heating up, so more may follow.
June 5th, 2012 at 9:17 am
Ooohhhh, that was low, Transman, jiggling your car keys in his face like that. So low….
I’m surprised your youngest didn’t walk in and ask when the two of you were going to grow up. 
Love these hair growth competition posts…along with all the others.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:35 pm
All’s fair in love, war, and ‘stache growing.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:16 pm
I definitely related to that belly thumping.
June 5th, 2012 at 5:38 pm
He’s lucky I didn’t give him a cherry belly in response.
June 5th, 2012 at 10:47 pm
AAHHH, a little chest thumping is good for the soul. Having two sons myself I can totally relate. Especially when my oldest mentioned how old I was getting and that I was going bald. Guess who got my genes…haha. Now he doesn’t think it’s so funny… my turn to laugh.
June 6th, 2012 at 5:40 pm
Sweet, sweet revenge.
June 8th, 2012 at 2:38 pm
That was too funny… Yesterday my 18 yr old son graduated high school, the night before I asked him if he had an extra razor.. now mind you I don’t really have like a mustache or even five o’clock shadow, but I do have a lot of white long hair on my face and besides I like shaving.. so anyway he brings it out and says.. do I need to show you how to shave?
June 8th, 2012 at 7:34 pm
That’s great.
June 11th, 2012 at 4:04 am
Nothing like father – son rivalry. Hahaha.
June 12th, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I hope one of them makes me a “World’s Best Dad!” mug at summer camp this year.