"I brought you into this world; I can take you out of it!" Gary Oldman as Transman. "Stop quoting Bill Cosby, you old bastard!" Jack White as Transman's son. Image: facebook.com
The other night Transman and his older son were sitting on the couch and Transman’s son said, “What the hell is that?” and pointed to a wiry white hair on Transman’s forearm.
“It’s a white hair,” Transman said.
“Yeah, but it’s curly,” Transman’s son said.
The boy-man leaned over and inspected Transman’s arm.
“I think you have more hair on your arms than me,” the lad said glumly. (If you’ve been following Transman at all, you know he and his teenage son are in a mustache/body hair growing contest. If you haven’t been following, well … welcome to the weirdness that is our world.)
Transman put his leg up on the coffee table and rubbed the hair on his calf.
“I can grow my own socks,” Transman announced.
Boy-man raised the bottom of his shirt and rubbed the hair circling his belly button. This is the lad’s trump card. So far, he is winning the chest hair portion of the competition. To fully understand Transman’s deep-seated resentment of those who sprout chest pelts, please see this: http://theadventuresoftransman.com/2012/02/25/envy-of-a-fur-shirt/
Transman did what any self-respecting man would do and put Boy-man in a headlock and gave him a noogie. Boy-man shoved a finger in Transman’s arm pit and dug in, using his patented fight move, “The Devil’s Tickle.” The pair slid to the floor in a pushing-shoving-wrestling frenzy that was only broken up by the appearance of youngest member of the clan who jumped on the pair like a cowboy dropping onto a saddle bronc at the rodeo.
The youngest fella has boney heels that hurt more than real spurs when he kicks and the boy was doing his best mule imitation. Transman and Boy-man stopped wrestling and crawled back to their respective corners of the couch to lick their wounds and comb their fur back into place.
The youngest plopped down between them and said, “When are you two going to grow up?”
* * * * * * * * * *
Since it’s Friday, you need some tunes. Jack White’s American Express UNSTAGED is tonight at 9 p.m. at: youtube.com/JackWhiteVEVO
Here’s a sneak peek of Jack and actor-turned-director Gary Oldman wrestling around on the floor and Jack playing some tunes with the band:
April 27th, 2012 at 7:07 pm
The best of us never grow up, right?
I just listened to Blunderbuss for the first time yesterday, and ended up listening to it straight through three times in a row. I’d heard some bleah reviews but i think it’s a great album.
April 27th, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Cool. I haven’t heard the whole thing yet.
April 27th, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Bahahaha! “When are you two going to grow up?” I love kids.
April 27th, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Everyone in our house needs a babysitter.
May 2nd, 2012 at 1:18 pm
I second that! And everyone needs a babysitter? Too funny!
April 27th, 2012 at 7:14 pm
Hilarious… but careful what you wish for. I shave when I get up and a few hours later I have a 5 o’clock shadow. Mike, my partner, makes Desperate Dan jokes. The whole thing can get quite exhausting…
April 27th, 2012 at 8:31 pm
I know you’re probably right, but I’m ready to embrace my inner Grizzly Adams. However, with my luck, I’ll just have eyebrows like that guy in Dune.
http://www.toplessrobot.com/2011/04/10_things_david_lynch_needlessly_added_to_dune.php?page=2
April 27th, 2012 at 7:19 pm
You need to take the youngest to the Arcadia Rodeo. He’ll love it.
April 27th, 2012 at 7:24 pm
The Arcadia Rodeo is great. Small world.
April 27th, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Yep!
April 27th, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Just when I’m considering laser removal for my pits, you’re chia-petting yours.
April 27th, 2012 at 7:50 pm
I’m actually kind of scared to see what the hormones are going to do when they’re done. I’m naturally furrier than some of the natal guys I know.
April 27th, 2012 at 8:53 pm
TransParentGuy (see, I adjusted),
“An aging man should be proud of his curly white hair.”
- Marcel Marceau, in an alternate universe.
Le Clown
April 27th, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Dear Marcel via Le Clown:
Don’t get me wrong, but I’m a little disturbed at just how much I am beginning to resemble my grandfather. He was a cool guy and all, but I’m not quite ready for the plaid pants and white pleather belt.
Your pal,
Transman
April 27th, 2012 at 10:30 pm
ROFL! =0)
I ♥ Jack White AND Gary Oldman… and this post! ♥
April 27th, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Awwwww, this post hearts you, too, Witchy.
April 27th, 2012 at 10:36 pm
*squishy hugs*
April 27th, 2012 at 10:38 pm
Between you and Le Clown, I am overcoming so many of my fears … clowns, hugs, etc. Now to conquer my fear of the sound of corduroy pant legs rubbing together.
April 28th, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Seriously awesome. Brought a smile to my face!
April 28th, 2012 at 5:38 pm
I never knew there was a name for that move. The devil’s tickle. I love it and have always called it a “pit jamb!”
May 1st, 2012 at 9:10 pm
It may be one of those names that has regional variations. Whatever you call it, it’s a low-down dirty cheating fight move.
April 29th, 2012 at 10:09 am
It’s early in the race!
May 1st, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Oh, thank you for helping me realize that my family is not the only totally insane family out there! And congratulations on the body hair. . . I think. Armpit hair is kinda nasty, though. I think all men and women should shave it.
May 1st, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Thank you; I’ve always had a good crop of hair, but this looks like it will be a super boost. In addition to growing my socks, I’ll be able to grow a sweater next year.
May 2nd, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I still have female friends with more arm hair than me. I don’t think I’m in much danger of becoming a werewolf, based on the other men in my family, but I am hoping my arm and leg hair picks up pace.
May 2nd, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I’ve been blessed with a bunch of thick, manly hair growing just about anywhere from my face, my legs, my arms, my chest and my back. The interesting part is that I got these traits from my mother’s side of the family, not my dad’s. And I think it would have been cool if my dad had been a little younger, so we could have had wild suplex matches. Thanks for the post!
May 2nd, 2012 at 7:56 pm
You just give me and the boy a couple years … wait until we discover the wonders of mustache wax.
May 2nd, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Oh, goodie! I’ll be right over to French-braid your wrists.
Sorry…I’m a girl. Any amount of hair excites the need to fold plaits of hair over one another again and again.
Love, love, love, “I can grow my own socks.” But now what will I get you for Christmas? Do you have many ties?
May 4th, 2012 at 6:24 am
I am going to will myself to grow back hair just so you can groom it.
May 4th, 2012 at 9:26 am
What about a tail?
May 4th, 2012 at 6:09 pm
I can only wish and dream.
August 27th, 2012 at 11:35 pm
[...] (Son 1 accused his Transdaddy of “doping” to gain unfair advantage in the “bad teenage mustache” growing competition.) Transman figures he needs to lighten the mood around here after he past few posts, so [...]
December 5th, 2012 at 3:14 am
LOL great post. Your house sounds like so much fun.
December 5th, 2012 at 8:44 pm
We are non-stop fun like a carnival and Chuck E. Cheese and the Algonquin Round Table all rolled into one.
December 6th, 2012 at 2:16 am
This is hilarious! If I were you, it’s time to cheat, buy a hair growth potion for your chest, just keep it from the older son. lol
December 6th, 2012 at 8:27 pm
A chest wig.
December 6th, 2012 at 9:02 pm
Even better !