"Effin' hipster!" Jackie Gleason as Transman's buddy. Art Carny as Transman. Image:tvstylebook.com
So, Transman and his buddy were hanging out, listening to tunes, and his buddy said, “You’re such a hipster.”
Transman grabbed the guy by the hair and slammed his buddy’s forehead onto the table. No. No, he didn’t. That didn’t happen at all–mostly because his pal doesn’t have enough hair to grab. Instead Transman said, “What the hell are you talking about?”
Transman’s buddy said, “Well, you have those thick frames on your glasses, you listen to the blues, and your kids go to a hippie school.”
Not that Transman has to defend himself to anyone, but he wanted to set the record straight. He is not a hipster; here is the proof he offered:
"Uh, Mrs. Johnston, is that a 'P' or a '9'?" "Transman, is there a '9' in the word 'hippopotamus'?" "No, Ma'am." Barry Livingston as the young Transman. Image: newrushmoreradio.com
1. Transman’s glasses have thick frames because … he has thick lenses. He got used to being called “bottles” early on. Transman has been wearing these specs since 3rd Grade, when Mrs. Johnston noticed him squinting at the board. From that day forward, he has been known as “Four eyes,” “Dorkface,” “Buddy Holly,” etc. Unlike Clark Kent, Transman has no super powers when he whips off his spectacles. He doesn’t even become markedly more handsome.
"Transman, if you don't get your ass back to class/
You're gonna to have to buy me another full glass/
One day, son, you're gonna be sorry you didn't listen/
'Cause ol' Johnny knows the fire's hot in the kitchen."
Johnny Shines as himself. Image: bluesheaven.com
2. Transman has been listening to the blues since he “borrowed” the Howlin’ Wolf Chess Records double album from his brother’s collection 30 years ago. Transman only stuck around Tuscaloosa for a semester, but he made sure he went to see Johnny Shines play in a dive on the strip a few times before Transman dropped out and started shucking oysters for a living. Kids, take it from Transman–stay in school; shucking oysters sucks.
3. Transman’s kids do go to a “hippie school” because Transman doesn’t have much faith in the American public school system (he is a product of it, after all). He suspects one or all of his kids has inherited his ADD-laced DNA and knows public school and ADD don’t mix. At the “hippie school,” they are free to get up and walk around if they need to; they can spend the whole day in the sandbox if they choose, but somehow, they still learn to read and do enough math to con Transman out of all of his money every week.
Since much of being a hipster seems to revolve around fashion, Transman also pointed out the following:
Transman has never owned a pair of skinny jeans; he has, however, owned pants that were too damn tight.
Transman has never worn a bowling shirt for the irony of it; nor does he wear uniform shirts with other people’s names on them. He will confess to a Hawaiian shirt period in the late 70s/early 80s.
"You're still a hipster," Tom Waits as Transman's buddy; Elvis Costello as Transman. Image:lastfm.com
He does own a fedora, but he didn’t get it for $10 bucks at Target. He doesn’t really even know how it came to be in his possession, but some old fella in his family bought himself a nifty “New Englander” from Bee Hat Co., back in the day. Said hat has been crushed, folded, and abused and now resembles the one worn by Ed Norton in The Honeymooners. If Transman owned a stand-up bass to go with the fedora or if he lived next door to Ralph Kramden, he would wear the hat.
Transman’s buddy held up his hand, silencing him. A big grin spread over his buddy’s face, and he said, “The more you try to deny being one; the more of a hipster you are.”
Edited to add: Transman’s not the only one with anxiety over these accusations of hipsterness. Check Clown on Fire’s take on the whole thing: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/hipsters/ Indeed, many people out there are telling us, “methinks the Hipster doth protest too much.”
March 10th, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Holy crap. Hipsters listen to blues now? What else are they going to take away from us? Clint Eastwood?
Your buddy is right, however. Most hipsters deny being so, not that I think you’re one.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:11 pm
As long as the hipsters leave Albuterol alone, I’m good, because I really can’t live without that.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:13 pm
People used to carry pacifiers around their necks for a time, remember? And these were grown-ass people. Folks carrying inhalers “ironically” is not that wild of a possibility then.
March 11th, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I shall cling fast to my inhaler and pocket protector!
March 10th, 2012 at 9:54 pm
I don’t claim to understand his logic; I’m just reporting the conversation. Where’s Joe Friday when you need him? “Just the facts, Sir.”
March 10th, 2012 at 10:01 pm
When I was a kid I always wore a fedora to watch my detective shows, it probably belonged to my grandpa or uncle, but my grandma stole it from me because she said I was trying to be like a boy. I recently bought one at Target 50% off and wear it when I write, but it’s not the same and I’m still not cool. I do however still watch detective shows, but only the ones with hot chicks. Love the post.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:14 pm
How do you feel about “Monk”? That would seem to call for wearing a brown sport coat and clutching wet wipes. Not so sure about the “hot chick” factor on that show. I probably shouldn’t even mention “Murder She Wrote.”
March 10th, 2012 at 10:19 pm
I was really into Prime Suspect with Maria Bello who also wears a nice hat.
March 11th, 2012 at 7:22 pm
I loved to watch the show “Monk” when it was on late-night TV over here, only on reruns though. I think that they stopped making new episodes long time ago. Then again, what do I know, as I currently don’t watch any TV at all. Once in a while I’ll watch a Bill Maher rerun on my computer, but that’s about it. I don’t like American TV shows at all. Talking about TV, have you ever seen a British TV series called Doc Martin, Transman? Its not a detective show, but its really really good. I don’t know if you would like it, but I highly recommend it to anyone and everyone. You might want to check it out one day if you like. Ok, sorry for the longwinded comment here. I’ll stop talking now.
March 11th, 2012 at 8:40 pm
@ Scriptor … “Monk” will always have a place in my heart because Tony Shalhoub made my kid feel okay about himself in post 9/11 America. It does freak me out a little that every time Captain Stottlemeyer speaks I see ghosts of Ted Levine as Buffalo Bill: “It puts the lotion on its skin.”
We love British TV in our home. My kids want to move to the UK because the television is so much better. I’ll have to look for “Doc Martin.” Thanks for the tip.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:47 pm
You summed it up perfectly in the last line. Your friend was right. You’re a hopeless hipster – and the worst part is that you don’t have to try. For the five seconds that I was a hipster, I never worked so hard in all my damned life – which is why I’m no longer a hipster. I wore myself out completely. I don’t have the energy – which is apparently the way to go anyway. You’re a perfect example. Still, no one accuses me of being a hipster. Quirky – yes. Hipster – nope.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:49 pm
I’m not sure if I should feel better or worse now.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Matt’s just corrected me. He’s stated that you are definitely not a hipster. You are what hipsters aspire to become. I think that’s even worse. You’re officially cooler than your buddy even thought you were. Ass.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Give Matt a shoulder punch for me.
March 10th, 2012 at 10:52 pm
Hard or soft?
March 10th, 2012 at 10:54 pm
He’s your husband; I’ll let you make that call.
March 10th, 2012 at 11:27 pm
Yeah, I got my stupid glasses in the first grade. By the time I was in the 4th grade I looked just like that picture of Ernie that you have posted.
I wear Hawaiian shirts all the time. People call me unfashionable. I say that I’m practicing for when I’m a castaway.
March 11th, 2012 at 8:16 am
I have a photo of myself with those Ernie glasses a shiny 70s polyester shirt. I have tried to destroy all copies of this photo, but it keeps turning up. A haunted photo album, perhaps?
March 11th, 2012 at 8:25 am
Yes, I have those dreadful photos all in my computer. I use one of them as my gravatar image. I probably should update.
March 11th, 2012 at 12:47 am
I’m definitely sending gayby to a hippie school. Loved.
March 11th, 2012 at 8:18 am
Yes, you must send gayby to hippie school so that they become immune to conformism. Look at it as a sort of inoculation before you take over the suburbs.
March 11th, 2012 at 8:26 am
I get confused between a hippie and a hipster..and btw, I had a wee crush on Ernie although Robbie was not too shabby, just too old for me..
March 11th, 2012 at 8:40 am
Poor Chip. No one ever crushed on Chip.
March 11th, 2012 at 9:00 am
From what I’ve been told, Woody Allen started wearing his infamous glasses because of you.
Enjoy your quinoa, Transman.
CoF
March 11th, 2012 at 9:19 am
One of these days …. I’m coming up to Canada … and then, “Pow! Right in the kisser!”
March 11th, 2012 at 1:41 pm
The cunning Sara Draws informed me that I had commented on this excellent blog post under her moniker, not that it really matters, as we share a brain.
March 11th, 2012 at 2:03 pm
There’s a suspicious amount of brain-sharing going on on WordPress.
March 11th, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I had a Mr. Johnston for my math class once. What is with the Johnston’s and teaching, maybe a sadist clan or something.
Hippie school!? Man… if only I had known back then… imagine wearing a paisley kaftan and not getting the crap beat out of you by recess…
March 11th, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I know. There are days when I would weep for my lost childhood … if I *could* weep.
March 11th, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Trans Man,
I was called Buddy Holly in school too! (“We are, like, so connected.”) Then the glasses became cool when I was in the military (even though they were called “BC” glasses (i.e., birth control glasses).
I also wore a bowling shirt, but not out of irony. Such are the peculiarities of time travel.
Uncle
March 11th, 2012 at 2:10 pm
This is starting to take on a sic-fi tinge of shared memories separated by time and distance. You haven’t spotted Dr. Who at some point have you? That would explain things.
March 11th, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Well, I can tell you this: I am not Dr. Who. My time machine is much more Wellsian than a Brit tele-booth. Truth: I have no clue where my f’n blog is going. But I’m having fun!
March 11th, 2012 at 2:19 pm
That’s all that counts.
March 11th, 2012 at 2:23 pm
“I know, right?”
March 11th, 2012 at 7:42 pm
http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/hipsters/
Mr Clown created a quick and dirty test. I just realized I may be a hipster. I thought I was too old to be one. Apparently age doesn’t matter. But seems the more you resist the title, the more of a hipster you really are?? Confusing. But to avoid driving blind and squinting at people that are far away, I will continue to wear my Velma-ish glasses and sport my flat caps because I just have bad hair days and they’re wicked cute.
March 11th, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I believe when these things are sported out of practicality, they absolve one of “hipster” status. I mean, my first pair of glasses were probably “government-issue for welfare kids” glasses and the style stuck.
Everyone needs a good hat for bad hair days … until they lose their hair, of course; then, they need hats to protect their noggins from UV rays. Hats for all, I say!
March 12th, 2012 at 6:28 pm
I had kids cause I thought they would make me look cool.
That’s before I realized they made me look like unslept shit.
March 12th, 2012 at 6:34 pm
[...] Read Transman take on hipsters. Rate this: Share this:Like this:Like6 bloggers like this post. This entry was posted in [...]
March 14th, 2012 at 9:33 pm
A friend of mine recently mentioned on facebook that he’s come around on hipsters, because it “takes a lot of courage to all wear the same hat”.
All the hipster kids where I live dress like the old guys that are too cheap to buy clothes anywhere but Goodwill or garage sales. Y’know the kind, the crotchety old dudes that wear beat up old guy hats (seriously, though, they all wear the same ugly brown fedora with the beigey-grey band) and plaid shirts and a sad mix of ill-fitting khaki pants and old jeans.
Don’t feel bad though, when I’m not wearing workout clothes or hippy clothes, I look like a weirdo. No convenient label, just plain weird. Unless I ask the husband “Hey, does this look ok?” before I leave the apartment, I get strange stares most of the time. It just doesn’t occur to me that I’m wearing weird shit, even when the hipster kids and art majors look at me like I have a second head. And no, my hair is not green, that photo is from 2010, from when I was 6 months pregnant.
March 15th, 2012 at 10:03 pm
I *am* the old guy who is too cheap to buy my clothes anywhere except at thrift stores and yard sales.
March 17th, 2012 at 4:25 am
Then you’re not a hipster. You’re just a cheap old guy :p. My dad was like that, but worse. We’d buy him nice new shirts, new jeans, all kinds of new clothes for his birthday, christmas, father’s day, my mom would randomly get him new stuff (years after they divorced), and he never wore any of it because he was afraid he would stain or tear it in some way. After he passed mom found a couple of the pairs of jeans she had gotten him, 6 months prior, unworn, still folded like they were in the gift box, tags still on them.
March 31st, 2012 at 9:35 pm
[...] It’s one thing to dress like a hipster because you’re short on dough, but it’s a whole new ball game when you shuck oysters for a living and you get conned out of your money by your hippie school children. Or that’s what blogger Transman said. [...]
April 1st, 2012 at 7:52 pm
my friends protest that I’m a hipster more and more, recently. so what if I happen to listen to indie and wear flannel bouses all the time?
April 1st, 2012 at 9:00 pm
I’m sorry; you’re doomed to repeat both mid-1970s and mid-1990s cool. Looks like it’s vinyl and Walkman territory for you.
April 14th, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Hipsters ruined Fedoras? Noooo! If there’s one person that’s keeping the Goorin Bros store in Denver in business (and well stocked with women’s fedoras), it’s me!
May 6th, 2012 at 1:47 am
This post is so full of awesome!
And I so wish they had had hippie schools when I was growing up.