So, Transman and his buddy were hanging out, listening to tunes, and his buddy said, “You’re such a hipster.”
Transman grabbed the guy by the hair and slammed his buddy’s forehead onto the table. No. No, he didn’t. That didn’t happen at all–mostly because his pal doesn’t have enough hair to grab. Instead Transman said, “What the hell are you talking about?”
Transman’s buddy said, “Well, you have those thick frames on your glasses, you listen to the blues, and your kids go to a hippie school.”
Not that Transman has to defend himself to anyone, but he wanted to set the record straight. He is not a hipster; here is the proof he offered:
1. Transman’s glasses have thick frames because … he has thick lenses. He got used to being called “bottles” early on. Transman has been wearing these specs since 3rd Grade, when Mrs. Johnston noticed him squinting at the board. From that day forward, he has been known as “Four eyes,” “Dorkface,” “Buddy Holly,” etc. Unlike Clark Kent, Transman has no super powers when he whips off his spectacles. He doesn’t even become markedly more handsome.
2. Transman has been listening to the blues since he “borrowed” the Howlin’ Wolf Chess Records double album from his brother’s collection 30 years ago. Transman only stuck around Tuscaloosa for a semester, but he made sure he went to see Johnny Shines play in a dive on the strip a few times before Transman dropped out and started shucking oysters for a living. Kids, take it from Transman–stay in school; shucking oysters sucks.
3. Transman’s kids do go to a “hippie school” because Transman doesn’t have much faith in the American public school system (he is a product of it, after all). He suspects one or all of his kids has inherited his ADD-laced DNA and knows public school and ADD don’t mix. At the “hippie school,” they are free to get up and walk around if they need to; they can spend the whole day in the sandbox if they choose, but somehow, they still learn to read and do enough math to con Transman out of all of his money every week.
Since much of being a hipster seems to revolve around fashion, Transman also pointed out the following:
Transman has never owned a pair of skinny jeans; he has, however, owned pants that were too damn tight.
Transman has never worn a bowling shirt for the irony of it; nor does he wear uniform shirts with other people’s names on them. He will confess to a Hawaiian shirt period in the late 70s/early 80s.
He does own a fedora, but he didn’t get it for $10 bucks at Target. He doesn’t really even know how it came to be in his possession, but some old fella in his family bought himself a nifty “New Englander” from Bee Hat Co., back in the day. Said hat has been crushed, folded, and abused and now resembles the one worn by Ed Norton in The Honeymooners. If Transman owned a stand-up bass to go with the fedora or if he lived next door to Ralph Kramden, he would wear the hat.
Transman’s buddy held up his hand, silencing him. A big grin spread over his buddy’s face, and he said, “The more you try to deny being one; the more of a hipster you are.”
Edited to add: Transman’s not the only one with anxiety over these accusations of hipsterness. Check Clown on Fire’s take on the whole thing: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/2012/02/25/hipsters/ Indeed, many people out there are telling us, “methinks the Hipster doth protest too much.”