What kinda map you using?

"Look, Transman, you're getting to be a pain in the ass." Image: dietcokeandsympathy.blogspot.com

Best search engine terms that led people here:

“What to (sic) guys mean by ‘You wanna go out?’?” -- Honey, guys mean, “Can we have sex?” …unless we’re talking to a dog that’s pawing at the back door and whining.

“Willy Wonka adventures” — Transman wonders what kind of ‘adventures’ people seek with Willy Wonka.

“trans-man peeing” — Speaking of transmen peeing, Transman finds this advice–from a source on trasitioning that shall remain nameless–hilarious: “If you choose to sit while urinating in the stall of a men’s bathroom, sit as close to the edge of the toilet as you can, so your urine stream will sound more like that of a cisguy.” Who the hell listens that closely to other people peeing? Just fart and grunt to cover the sound if you’re that paranoid.

“tranman movie” — Yes, it was spelled “tranman.” Transman was reminded of when his son modified the Batman theme just for him: “Duh-nuh-na-na-na-na Transman!”

“shirtless transman” –Transman doesn’t go shirtless except in the shower. And even then, he doesn’t look down. He won’t be posting any nakeybutt pictures of himself anytime soon.

"Transman, don't hate me because I'm tall, beautiful and funny."

“short transman” — Transman is not that short. Why do people keep saying that? He is taller than many other men. He’s definitely taller than Tom Cruise, Muggsy Bogues, and Mel Hirsch (unless they’re stacked up like a totem pole). He can look Spud Webb in the eye. So there. In your face Randy Newman and Cristy Carrington Lewis! Not-so-Short Transman Do Got a Reason to Live.  http://paltrymeanderings.com/

“waylons in leather vest” — The plural of Waylon is Waylons. “That there’s a whole heard of Waylons and they’s all wearing leather vests!”

“him in a dress” — We all have our secret desires, I guess.

"What about me, Transman? Why can't Old Neil come to the party?" Image: CBSnews.com

“Keith Richards beard” — Other than as a costume in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies, Keef’s never gone for the beard. He did grow a scraggly mustache when he was hanging out with the movie stars and it was almost as creepy as Bob Dylan’s foray into the John Waters-style pencil mustache. Now that would be a fun dinner party: Keith, Bob, and John Waters. Transman would invite Terry Bradshaw just for the hell of it. And serve them nothing but boiled eggs and whiskey sours. “Who wants to play Pictionary?!”

“Voodoo dolly” — A children’s story in the making: “Transman has a tummy ache. Transman wants to cuddle up with his voodoo dolly.”

and something in Russian

Transman hopes the blog proved educational for the curious who stumbled across it via Google and Yahoo searches. Does anyone use Dogpile anymore? What about card catalogs? Raise your hand if you remember the card catalog.

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17 responses to “What kinda map you using?

  • Scriptor Obscura

    I get a lot of weird search terms coming to my blog too. I think some of them are probably spambots of some sort. How else could they find your blog by typing in these weird and wacky search terms that often make no sense at all, and that when typed into Google search, your blog doesn’t even show up in the results list at all??? The vast majority of these search terms that people use to find our blogs are just plain creepy and sick, and one wonders what sorts of sick and perverted people are out there watching our blogs. If nothing else, it makes you aware that anything that you put out there on the internet can be seen by anyone anywhere in the world at any time, and it really brings home the vastness and the dangers that lurk out there on the internet. One never knows who or what might be seeing what you have posted. Shivers…The internet is a chilling place sometimes, Transman…

    • transparentguy

      Scriptor, it sounds like you need to hug your voodoo dolly to ward off your fears or you’ll never blog again.

      I just hope when the robot overlords take over, they will banish the spambots in the same way that Plato wanted to ban poets.

      Seriously, there are some real weird folks out there (and you know they’re super weird if a guy who used to be a girl is calling them weird).

  • Becky

    I’m old enough to have used card catalogues regularly. I loved this post. It’s randomness is brilliant.

    • transparentguy

      I learned to type on a manual typewriter and people in my office complain about how hard I hit the keys on a computer. I just give them the finger and tell them to get off my lawn.

  • Handsome Lover of Words

    Card Catalogs- Yep! ( hand raised )

    Me and Dewey got along real well.

  • free penny press

    Oh the card catalog…think I recall taking a few to use as notecards..
    great post!!

  • transparentguy

    High-fives to everyone who is old enough to have had penmanship lessons in school.

  • cristycarringtonlewis

    You know, I never really thought about how short you are for a guy and all. That sucks. Maybe you should look into lifts.

    • transparentguy

      Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. Do I have to make a list of all the cisguys who are shorter than me? Cause there are plenty, honey. And no, I’m not talking about Danny DeVito.

      • cristycarringtonlewis

        So weird. I just ended my post on my blog with Grrrrrr and you started yours with it. Weird. We’re still on some bizarre college mind-meld probably caused by staring at Dr. Dillon’s eyebrows simultaneously while he jumped up and down on a table reciting Shakespeare or Milton.

  • cristycarringtonlewis

    Oh, and I love Danny DeVito. He is seriously hot.

  • clownonfire

    Have fun with Google’s Keyword Tool and the word “transman”.
    All this traffic just wasted away…
    http://bit.ly/A8hulh

  • The Uncle In The Attic

    “trans-man peeing”

    All I saw was a “Helpful Hints” pamphlete you picked up in some doctor’s office:

    “What to say to family and friends”
    “What to say in new situations”
    “How to navigate department stores”

    Uncle

  • southcarolinaboy

    I am amazed when I look at my site stats just how many people are looking for porn of trans men.

    I love your advice for how to cover the sound of pee.

    • transparentguy

      Well, man, we are all a bunch of hotties. No wonder the world wants to see us naked. These same weirdos who are searching for transporn are probably the first ones who would call us freaks and abominations.

      It’s amazing how much anxiety urinating causes transfolks.

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