Keep working, Bub; this pile ain't getting any smaller. Image: Transman
Oy-vey! Transman’s got way too many deadlines in his life. The posts have dwindled to almost nothing because there’s always somebody wanting something from Transman–students want their papers back, the boss wants the next project, the kids want food, even the damn cat wants something from Transman. Don’t they see they’re keeping me from procrastination through blogging? Demands, demands, demands.
Amy Pond, you sometimes cross Tranman's mind. Image: fanpop.com
Transman is going to get himself a sponsor or two just like a NASCAR driver. Think of the possibilities: everyone from Auntie Vixen’s Toy Store to In-and-Out Quickie Lube could put their ads on Transman’s suit. He would hawk products if it put a pretty penny or two in his pockets. Transman would sell out tomorrow if it meant he could stay home and watch Torchwood and Dr. Who while he wrote about whatever crossed his mind.
Transman has no artistic integrity. It wouldn’t upset him at all to cheapen his work with bright splashy ads. But they do have to be bright and splashy or real cool 60s retro ads because Trasnman is all about the surface and he’s a sucker for packaging. And jingles. Transman digs a catchy jingle. Whoever is responsible for the Meow Mix jingle in the 80s should be inducted into the songwriters’ hall of fame as far as Transman is concerned.
Transman’s got to get back to work, but there are some things marinating in his brain. He’s not sure whether to write his next post about how fun it is to be a fur-bearing mammal at the gynecologists’ office, fashion advice he gets from women in his life, “manliness lessons” he gets from his neighbors and coworkers, or more crap his kids say to get him in trouble in public.
"Ha-ha, Transman, you suck, dude!" Johnny and Keef scoff at Transman for being such a sell-out. Image: Rolling Stone
February 13th, 2012 at 8:30 pm
Please go with the “manliness” lessons. That should be particularly entertaining.
And good luck with sponsorship push.
Really enjoying your blog.
February 13th, 2012 at 8:33 pm
I’ll have to see if I can creatively word them so they’re fit for print.
February 13th, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Ha! A nice creative writing exercise…
February 13th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Hmmm. That almost implies work.
February 13th, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Not if you’re laughing while you do it.
February 13th, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Okay, so … technical question. If I laugh so hard at work that I bring on an asthma attack, is that covered by Worker’s Comp?
February 13th, 2012 at 9:26 pm
Hmmm…that question is best suited for your WH&S rep…
February 13th, 2012 at 9:21 pm
I want sponsorship, too. When you find one, and I know you will, since you have the awesome blog, think you can put in a good word for me? LOL.
February 13th, 2012 at 9:27 pm
I dunno, Holly; you’re much closer to the world of sports than I am. You might find a sponsor before I do. Let’s make a pact right now. I’ll go get a chicken foot …
February 13th, 2012 at 9:40 pm
LOL. You’re on! I’ll get, um, the candles and the incense. Yeah.
‘Course, it doesn’t help that I’m chicken shit (not to mention phobic) when it comes to asking potential sponsors for stuff. Asking for a simple discount at Jays Wide Shoes was terrifying…
February 13th, 2012 at 10:04 pm
Channel your inner Samuel L. Jackson. “Gimme the motherf*&%$ing discount, motherf*&%$er!”
February 13th, 2012 at 10:46 pm
*choking on my water* Dangit, you need to warn me before you spout off stuff like that. I was drinking some water and laughed at the same time. I could’ve died! Died laughing. Though, I suppose there are worse ways to go.
Hm. I think if I tried to pull a Jackson impression out of my ass, the next thing I know, I’d be tossed in the clink.
Speaking of Samuel L. Jackson, have you seen/heard his narration of the “children’s” book “Go the Fuck to Sleep”? It’s friggin’ hilarious.
http://www.mediabistro.com/galleycat/samuel-l-jackson-narrates-go-the-f-to-sleep_b32306
February 13th, 2012 at 10:52 pm
We need to stop this before we’re both hospitalized.
Yes, that bedtime story is funny because it is true.
February 13th, 2012 at 10:13 pm
As one of the women in your life, can I, too, offer fashion advice? Really? I think I tried when you were a woman and that didn’t go over so well. Of course, my suggestion probably involved a perm and shoulder pads. Maybe you should give me fashion advice. Clearly, my previous recommendations have proved themselves to be not-so-timeless.
On the sponsorship note, what would you charge me to have the name of my book tattooed above your lip in the shape of a handlebar mustache – that way if the novel tanks, you can always just grow a real ‘stache over it?
February 13th, 2012 at 10:56 pm
Look, you’re the one who still looks like a fashion model–the kind who don’t get out of bed for less than $50,000. My own father tells me I look like a hobo, so clearly you know how to wear a set of threads.
Re: Tattoos and staches. I’d be glad to wear a smashing T-shirt or even a silly hat with your book title emblazoned upon it. I would consider the facial tattoo, except it would definitely make my eczema flare up. Although, then I might be able to get some sponsorship from Neutrogena or Vaseline or somebody like that.
February 13th, 2012 at 11:32 pm
Erm…fashion model. You mean, like the kind that end up on Celebrity Fit Club because they no longer look like fashion models? Sometimes I wear the same pair of sweats three days in a row. I’m pretty sure I didn’t shower today and I haven’t shaved my legs since the Bush administration. The first one. I’m no role model.
February 14th, 2012 at 6:07 am
Heh-heh-heh … You said “bush.”
February 14th, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Did you have a mind meld or something with Matt the last time we saw you? Lord, you two are becoming more alike by the day. Are you Native American yet?
February 15th, 2012 at 5:56 am
You missed the chicken foot and gator tail ritual?
February 15th, 2012 at 3:04 am
PLEASE go with manliness lessons next, I busted up laughing when I read that from just the idea of someone trying to teach you.
February 15th, 2012 at 5:55 am
You can look forward to the next installment: “Helpful Hints for Selecting a Banana Hammock.” Sponsored by Fruit of the Loom.