So, You Wanna Go Out?

Photo illustration by Transman

Why would anyone date  a freak like you?” my macho redneck cousin asked. “I mean, chicks want a real man.”

Transman has secretly asked himself the same question. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me? Besides the fact that I’m handsome, funny, smart, charming, and can cook?

Well … Transman gave it some thought and came up with some reasons why Transman would make a good partner (it should be noted that Transman is coming from a straight guy perspective here; he appreciates other men, but he likes the ladies. Really likes the ladies.) As always, Transman speaks for himself. Maybe other transfolks agree with his views; maybe they don’t.

10. Transman is not afraid of buying feminine products at 3 a.m. Transman didn’t ever like buying those things for himself, but if his girlfriend sends him to Walgreen’s in the middle of the night to bring her back some Tampons, Transman won’t balk at the request. He knows That Time of the Month sucks. Especially when That Time of the Month doesn’t show up on the regularly scheduled date. (And, speaking of  dates, That Time of the Month always seems to show up on date nights. WTF? Transman wants answers from the Cosmos on that one.)

Exactly. Photo from Datingish.com

9. Transman has his own job and car. Transman is astounded at the women around him who put up with guys who sit home all day playing video games while their girlfriends work. Then, these boymen expect their girlfriends to come home and cook for them, do the laundry,  go to the gas station and buy them a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack, and then maybe have a little nude fun to boot. Transman is employed.  In fact, Transman currently has three jobs. Wait, Transman is making himself sound like a selfish career-minded workaholic who will forgo family time just move up the corporate ladder. Transman just means he does not fear hard work and will take care of his family. He can drive himself to the gas station for coffee and doughnuts.

8 a. Transman is good with kids. He has some. He can keep them entertained without resorting to bribery. He tells great bedtime stories. He even knows how to feed them nutritious food without them catching on. [Don't tell Transman's kids, but they've eaten way more cauliflower and onions than potatoes in their mashed potatoes. The "herbs" that Transman sprinkles on everything he serves them? Yep, it's spinach. Shhhhhh.]

8 b. Transman doesn’t fear babies. He has experience with those, too. He’s not afraid of changing diapers or getting puke on his shirt, but things might get awkward when the girls are swapping birth stories and Transman forgets himself and chimes in with, “both of mine were 10-pounders! I was in labor for 24 hours with the first one!”

7. Transman understands that pee goes in the toilet, not all around it. Transman knows what a shock it can be to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and sit down in a puddle of urine. Transman promises to always clean up after himself in the bathroom. Yes, that includes rinsing the whiskers and shaving cream out of the sink.

Transman's not afraid to scrub grout. Photo from SuperStock.

6. Transman is handy … but he knows his limits. He can start a car with a screwdriver, put things together, do basic repairs. But, he also knows when it’s time to turn things over to an expert. Transman’s not going to flood the house just because he thinks he can figure out how to remodel the bathroom using Youtube tutorials.

5. Transman knows when to shut up. Transman understands that sometimes you just need to vent, to think out loud with another person breathing in the same room. Transman won’t try to solve every problem unless you want him to. He knows how to listen for key phrases like, “I need you to …,” “I want you to …” “Could you …” and so on.

4. Transman can hold a conversation. He understands there needs to be some back-and-forth. Not everything is about him. Transman will let you talk. He’ll listen, process, and respond accordingly. Because Transman has a broad education and long life experience, he can talk about a variety of topics, too. If you’re ever on “Cash Cab” and need to call someone for help with random trivia, Transman’s the man, honey.

When this dude shows up, call Transman. Photo from Discovery.com

3. Transman notices details. This really has more to do with him having ADHD and hyperfocusing on shiny things, but Transman will notice when you get new earrings or a haircut. Unfortunately, Transman’s ADHD also impairs his “editorial function” and he might accidentally insult you as he’s trying to compliment you. When Transman says something like, “Wow, that hair cut took off ten years and ten pounds … I mean, you look kinda waifsh now … you know. Ah, never mind,” believe me, his heart is in the right place.

2. Transman knows when he needs to dress up. Transman is a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy, but he understands societal expectations about clothing. Got a company holiday party or going to see Great Aunt Myrtle Belle? Don’t worry. Transman will shave and put on a tie without you needing to tell him. You might still have to help him match things, though. Transman can get a little crazy with the patterns. “Plaid, stripes, and polka dots are okay together, right? Whoa, the tweed’s pushing it over the top.”

While Transman thinks his clothing choices reflect his bohemian sensibilities, he probably really just looks like Willy Wonka to the rest of the world. Photo from the Examiner.com

1. Transman has had the same equipment. Therefore, Transman knows what feels good. That’s all he’s saying, but the ladies know what he means. Wait, Transman has more to add while we’re on this delicate subject: Transman’s cousin’s main point of being a “real man” came down to genitalia. Transman pointed out that, yes, he didn’t come with standard-issue factory equipment, but thanks to accessorizing, Transman has the distinct advantage of always being able to be ready–no Viagra needed, thanks–and he can be any size, color, texture, etc., his lady might be in the mood for … hell, he can even glow in the dark and be cherry-flavored if that’s what she wants. Transman’s cousin got very quiet as he thought about the implications.


39 responses to “So, You Wanna Go Out?

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