Photo illustration by Transman
Why would anyone date a freak like you?” my macho redneck cousin asked. “I mean, chicks want a real man.”
Transman has secretly asked himself the same question. Why would anyone want to be in a relationship with me? Besides the fact that I’m handsome, funny, smart, charming, and can cook?
Well … Transman gave it some thought and came up with some reasons why Transman would make a good partner (it should be noted that Transman is coming from a straight guy perspective here; he appreciates other men, but he likes the ladies. Really likes the ladies.) As always, Transman speaks for himself. Maybe other transfolks agree with his views; maybe they don’t.
10. Transman is not afraid of buying feminine products at 3 a.m. Transman didn’t ever like buying those things for himself, but if his girlfriend sends him to Walgreen’s in the middle of the night to bring her back some Tampons, Transman won’t balk at the request. He knows That Time of the Month sucks. Especially when That Time of the Month doesn’t show up on the regularly scheduled date. (And, speaking of dates, That Time of the Month always seems to show up on date nights. WTF? Transman wants answers from the Cosmos on that one.)
Exactly. Photo from Datingish.com
9. Transman has his own job and car. Transman is astounded at the women around him who put up with guys who sit home all day playing video games while their girlfriends work. Then, these boymen expect their girlfriends to come home and cook for them, do the laundry, go to the gas station and buy them a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack, and then maybe have a little nude fun to boot. Transman is employed. In fact, Transman currently has three jobs. Wait, Transman is making himself sound like a selfish career-minded workaholic who will forgo family time just move up the corporate ladder. Transman just means he does not fear hard work and will take care of his family. He can drive himself to the gas station for coffee and doughnuts.
8 a. Transman is good with kids. He has some. He can keep them entertained without resorting to bribery. He tells great bedtime stories. He even knows how to feed them nutritious food without them catching on. [Don't tell Transman's kids, but they've eaten way more cauliflower and onions than potatoes in their mashed potatoes. The "herbs" that Transman sprinkles on everything he serves them? Yep, it's spinach. Shhhhhh.]
8 b. Transman doesn’t fear babies. He has experience with those, too. He’s not afraid of changing diapers or getting puke on his shirt, but things might get awkward when the girls are swapping birth stories and Transman forgets himself and chimes in with, “both of mine were 10-pounders! I was in labor for 24 hours with the first one!”
7. Transman understands that pee goes in the toilet, not all around it. Transman knows what a shock it can be to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and sit down in a puddle of urine. Transman promises to always clean up after himself in the bathroom. Yes, that includes rinsing the whiskers and shaving cream out of the sink.
Transman's not afraid to scrub grout. Photo from SuperStock.
6. Transman is handy … but he knows his limits. He can start a car with a screwdriver, put things together, do basic repairs. But, he also knows when it’s time to turn things over to an expert. Transman’s not going to flood the house just because he thinks he can figure out how to remodel the bathroom using Youtube tutorials.
5. Transman knows when to shut up. Transman understands that sometimes you just need to vent, to think out loud with another person breathing in the same room. Transman won’t try to solve every problem unless you want him to. He knows how to listen for key phrases like, “I need you to …,” “I want you to …” “Could you …” and so on.
4. Transman can hold a conversation. He understands there needs to be some back-and-forth. Not everything is about him. Transman will let you talk. He’ll listen, process, and respond accordingly. Because Transman has a broad education and long life experience, he can talk about a variety of topics, too. If you’re ever on “Cash Cab” and need to call someone for help with random trivia, Transman’s the man, honey.
When this dude shows up, call Transman. Photo from Discovery.com
3. Transman notices details. This really has more to do with him having ADHD and hyperfocusing on shiny things, but Transman will notice when you get new earrings or a haircut. Unfortunately, Transman’s ADHD also impairs his “editorial function” and he might accidentally insult you as he’s trying to compliment you. When Transman says something like, “Wow, that hair cut took off ten years and ten pounds … I mean, you look kinda waifsh now … you know. Ah, never mind,” believe me, his heart is in the right place.
2. Transman knows when he needs to dress up. Transman is a jeans-and-T-shirt kind of guy, but he understands societal expectations about clothing. Got a company holiday party or going to see Great Aunt Myrtle Belle? Don’t worry. Transman will shave and put on a tie without you needing to tell him. You might still have to help him match things, though. Transman can get a little crazy with the patterns. “Plaid, stripes, and polka dots are okay together, right? Whoa, the tweed’s pushing it over the top.”
While Transman thinks his clothing choices reflect his bohemian sensibilities, he probably really just looks like Willy Wonka to the rest of the world. Photo from the Examiner.com
1. Transman has had the same equipment. Therefore, Transman knows what feels good. That’s all he’s saying, but the ladies know what he means. Wait, Transman has more to add while we’re on this delicate subject: Transman’s cousin’s main point of being a “real man” came down to genitalia. Transman pointed out that, yes, he didn’t come with standard-issue factory equipment, but thanks to accessorizing, Transman has the distinct advantage of always being able to be ready–no Viagra needed, thanks–and he can be any size, color, texture, etc., his lady might be in the mood for … hell, he can even glow in the dark and be cherry-flavored if that’s what she wants. Transman’s cousin got very quiet as he thought about the implications.
February 4th, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I’m still confused over No. 1.
February 4th, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I just don’t wanna get too graphic … this may be one you have to think about and let it hit you at 3 a.m.
February 4th, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Applause. Applause. Applause. You are so friggin’ brilliant. Love the post! You know where I think this is headed!
February 5th, 2012 at 3:16 am
Ha ha ha, I loved this post! I especially found reasons 1 and 5 very convincing, especially reason 1
February 5th, 2012 at 3:23 am
Woo-hoo! Transman’s logic chip does work.
February 5th, 2012 at 8:16 am
You had me at “employed”.
February 5th, 2012 at 9:21 am
Easy.
February 5th, 2012 at 12:00 pm
I know. I totally am. If I wrote a top-ten list of what makes me a good partner, “I’m easy” would definitely be on it.
February 5th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Genius. You could start a whole new blog on “dating advice for men”. Educate all those other poor bastards out there!
February 5th, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Transman can’t give away all his secrets to the competition.
February 5th, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Oooh, I love men that can cook! The lady you end up with will be a lucky lady indeed!
February 5th, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Non-transmen take note: Get thee to the cookbook shelf.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:31 pm
Sounds like you have most guys beat. A lot of women will settle for someone who will just actually listen to them. Some of best friends are people who talk my ear off as I listen, rarely saying anything in response (because I realize they don’t want to know what I think so much as they just want someone to listen). You sound pretty interesting, I’d hang out with Willy Wonka, even though I hate magenta.
February 5th, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Thanks, Russell. I’d better do my best to be interesting; my inner Johnny Depp is hidden by my outer Marty Feldman. Ditto on the feelings about magenta.
February 6th, 2012 at 9:07 pm
You’re such a liar. Your eyes aren’t nearly as pretty as Marty Feldman’s – and I know, for a fact, that you can act worth a shit. You’ve got the scruffy, I-don’t-care-if-my-hair’s-not-perfect-even-though-it-is Johnny Depp thingie going on and you know it. Stop with all the modesty. Just tie a few bracelets around your wrist and throw on some eyeliner and long necklaces that don’t match and look somewhat piratey, and you’ll be totally hooked up.
February 7th, 2012 at 8:50 pm
Cristy, Transman would just poke himself in the eye with eyeliner. Even though his childhood hero was Keith Richards, Transman just can’t get the hang of guyliner.
February 8th, 2012 at 12:23 am
I’m a Marlboro man ha ha marb reds 100′s all the way
February 8th, 2012 at 12:55 am
Add me to the list of people who will nag you to stop smoking. Or just save up your Marlboro miles for an iron lung. I’m mean because I care.
February 9th, 2012 at 7:11 am
I just fell in love with you… Just saying!!
February 9th, 2012 at 11:01 am
Ooooh, Transman has a girlfriend. Transman has a girlfriend. I felt the need to do that since neither of your kids are snotty or rude enough to do it for me.
February 9th, 2012 at 6:14 pm
She’s just going to leave me for a more Versatile Blogger one day anyway. Then, Transman will have to start writing sad country songs:
“I won her heart with a blog post/
but she done left me for a guy who made pot roast/
Now I knock back whiskey and smoke/
While I wait to croak.”
February 9th, 2012 at 6:20 pm
*gasping for breath* Ohmigosh! That was too funny!
February 9th, 2012 at 6:10 pm
It’s because I’m employed, isn’t it? That’s where all of Transman’s charms lie: his stability.
February 9th, 2012 at 11:14 pm
Love the song, you shouldn’t encourage me!! Just so you feel a bit safer, I’m not keen on pot roast and while the employment is awesome I quite like the idea of number 1!!!
February 9th, 2012 at 11:32 pm
Woo-hoo!
February 9th, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Excellent post ! Your sense of self and humour are two more very important points to add to your list. In fact the sense of the ironic means you are also a transCanadian.
February 9th, 2012 at 11:14 pm
I shall wear the transCanadian badge with pride.
March 2nd, 2012 at 10:33 pm
You had me at 10… I love your writing, your voice, your blog… *massive, squishy hugs*
March 2nd, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Transman really needs to learn how to return affection.
March 3rd, 2012 at 12:14 am
=0)
March 3rd, 2012 at 10:15 am
Well, you’re hilarious and I think I love you. Looking forward to reading more!
March 3rd, 2012 at 10:27 am
Woo! Transman’s feeling the love!
March 4th, 2012 at 1:04 pm
#2 – If you really look like Willy Wonka when you dress-up, that’s awesome! (Just have chocolate.) Oh, and steer away from chicks like Veronica Veruca.
“Daddy! I want an oopma loompa, and I want one now!”
Uncle
March 4th, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I can only wish I looked as put together as Willy Wonka.
March 4th, 2012 at 1:11 pm
“I know, right?”
(You’re highlarious by the way.) I’m glad you gave birth to your children.
Uncle
March 4th, 2012 at 1:15 pm
Thank you. Yes, the world will have yet another generation of warpedness to contend with.
March 25th, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Sweetie you area real man!!! Your body is just catching up.
May you always be loved for the man you are.
March 26th, 2012 at 12:18 am
Transman: Puberty 30 years too late.
July 29th, 2012 at 5:33 pm
[...] because his life would be easier. While Transman has made a case for why he’d be a great boyfriend, he would suck as a [...]