“And this next tune goes out to Transman and his blogging buddies.” William Elliott Whitmore as himself. Image: lastfm.com
Transman’s been working himself to the bone lately and he hasn’t been blogging much. Transman has three jobs, two kids, and one class at the moment. That load is an effin’ lot and you expect him to be creative, funny, and prolific? Well, set the expectation bar on the ground, Mabel, ‘cuz Transman just can’t rise to the occasion (he’s only talking about the work effort here; there’s no double entendre hiding in those words).
Sooooo … what does T-man listen to when he’s beat? Not dance music.
Sometimes, he finds himself some music that sounds almost as weary as he feels. Sometimes, it’s the blues. Sometimes, it’s country. This week, it’s William Elliott Whitmore. This guy is young-ish, but he’s got the voice of a man who’s been around a long time and he combines all kinds of sounds in his music, picking up bits and pieces of everything from bluegrass to hip-hop,and crafting something that is all his own.
Whitmore was raised on a horse farm in Iowa and he has kept close ties to the land; except for touring and an 8-month stint in San Francisco, he’s never strayed too far from the farm. As a child, he lapped up the music his family played. His father was a guitarist; his mother played accordion, and his grandfather played banjo. Whitmore plays guitar and banjo, but really started working on songwriting as a teenager after his parents died. He says the writing helped him deal with the grief in a constructive way.
If you’d like to read more about Whitmore’s take on the craft of writing, what he listens to, and how the environment we inhabit shapes our writing, check out Dan Bullock’s interview with Whitmore in OnMilwaukee.com:
Once upon a time there was music played by human beings. The music was raw, passionate, full of life and spirit. Sometimes the music was flawed, but that was because it was made by people instead of machines. That music was beautiful because of its imperfections. That music was made by people who were full of passion and spirit and who had flaws and quirks. That music spoke about life, love, death, and the magic to be found in the world. That music was called The Blues …
Charlie Patton “Rattlesnake Blues”
The sound quality on this is not great, but if you’re a Howlin’ Wolf fan, you can hear how Patton’s vocals and guitar playing influenced Howlin’ Wolf, who took guitar lessons from Patton.
Son House “Grinnin’ in Your Face”
We all know people who smile in our faces while sharpening the knife to stab us in the back. Son House lets you know you’re not alone.
The Reverend Gary Davis “Death Don’t Have No Mercy”
The good reverend reminds us that death is the great equalizer.
Mississippi Fred McDowell “Bulldog Blues”
Mississippi Fred McDowell’s playing is so percussive on this … the laughter at the end of the track should put a smile on your face as you hear these guys enjoying themselves while they tear it up.
Mississippi John Hurt “Coffee Blues”
Mississippi John Hurt makes it all sound so easy. I like to think of him as the pre-Yoda.
An example of what will tick off these fine gentlemen: “Ah, son, would it kill you to take a shower?” Sean Connery as Transman’s dad. “Dad, really, chicks dig this look; times have changed.” Johnny Depp as Transman. “No, lad, you don’t get it; you’re a little too ripe to stand next to.” Image: rlemay.com
Transman did his time in graduate school creative writing programs. He rubbed elbows with famous authors as well as agents and publishers. Transman has done things the old-fashioned way–sending his carefully honed work out into the world so it could come back to him with a rejection letter; he actually misses paper rejection letters because he was saving them up to wallpaper his bathroom with when he has a house of his own. The only way to paper a wall with e-rejections is to mount an iPad on the wall like a mirror, which would arguably provide one with more choices in bathroom reading material, but still seems a little a cost prohibitive in Transman’s world.
“Look, I’m glad you bought my book and came to one of my readings, but really, we’re not best friends. Stop referencing me in your cover letters, Transman!” Sherman Alexie as himself. Image: superstitionreview.com
Transman has done things the semi-new-old-fashioned way, too. He has shamelessly name-dropped in his cover letters; he has paid for the famous authors’ and agents’ share of a pitcher of beer or two. All to no avail.
“I told that f*****r to stop saying we were friends. Liking my page on effin’ Facebook doesn’t count, Transman!” Roddy Doyle as himself. Image: filmschool.ie
Transman’s new plan for getting published is to get his ass sued. He figures at some point either Johnny Depp or Sean Connery will get wind of his repeated use of their images to portray himself and his father and be offended, angry, or something, and file suit. It will be a silly enough story that the Associated Press will pick it up and put it in the “News of the Weird” offerings on the wire and newspapers around the globe will use it as filler. The story will catch the attention of the late-night talk show hosts. The jokes will begin. The trial will be covered by Court TV and CNN.
A publishing house wishing to turn a quick buck will print the book version of The Adventures of Transman to cash in on the publicity. It will turn out that Johnny Depp didn’t actually read the blog version, but rather that his management team were the ones who decided to sue on his behalf. Johnny will pick up the book out of curiosity. He will devour it and decide that it needs to be made into a film where he and Sean Connery play Transman and his father. The film will be a blockbuster, helping Johnny recover from the taint of The Tourist. Millions will see it; millions more will pick up the book on which the film is based.
Johnny and Transman will start hanging out. He’ll bring Keith Richards over. Everyone will all sit around in our ripped jeans, making Transman’s father seethe. (Transman’s father and Sean Connery will also become pals and sit around drinking Scotch and cursing about the “damned youth of today.”)
“We really have to get Transman a hat so he can be in our club,” Johnny Depp as himself. “Yeah, mate, but he really pissed off Jack Nicholson; I don’t know if we should get that close after all,” Keith Richards as themselves. Image: zimbio.com
Transman’s been on testosterone for a little while and when he looks in the mirror, he sees nothing particularly different. Something must be going on, though, because he’s had strangers affirming his masculinity.
He and the lads were on a road trip recently and since Son 2 never heeds the “pee before we head out” advice, they had to stop at a gas station and make use of the facilities. Transman opted to take the lad into the women’s room because he wasn’t sure about the “friendliness” of the town they were in and he didn’t want to cause a ruckus. That attempt to avoid controversy backfired a bit when a woman entered and saw Transman and son washing their hands.
“You’re so handsome I have lost all my navigational powers!” Yvette Nicole Brown as the Bathroom Lady. Image: Hotflick.net
“Am I in the men’s room?!” she yelled loudly enough so that it echoed off the walls. She threw the door open again and checked the sign. She didn’t seem too comforted by the sign with the skirt-wearing stick figure.
She came back in eyeing Transman. She gave Transman a sickly smile and tried to recover by tousling Son 2′s hair and saying, “You’re a handsome young man, that’s all. You’re so handsome I just didn’t know where I was.”
Transman didn’t question her logic; he dried his mitts and lit out of there before she could engage them in conversation or offer them “modeling” contracts.
Transman has a confession to make now. Sometimes, on Fridays, when he’s had a long week and the kids are crying in the car on the long commute home, he breaks down and hits a drive-thru. Yes, go ahead, throw your stones now.
Anyhoo …
Transman and Son 2 made a quick swing through a fast-food place’s drive-thru lane recently. After mumbling out their order, Transman pulled up to the first window and the guy taking the money said, “Hey, Buddy.”
“These glasses got me more lovin’ than my guitar ever did.” Buddy Holly as Transman’s past self. Image: Time.com
Transman wondered how the man knew he’d been Buddy Holly in a past life … at least his ability to read past life auras had no effect on the man’s change-making ability. Transman took his $2.63 and pulled up to the next window. Little did he know flirtation was being served up with the value meals that day.
“I’m free after my statistics class tomorrow. My number’s in the bag.” Image: sugarlovergirl.blogspot.com
When they got to the second window, the young man on the other side flashed Transman a dazzling smile. He was wearing a rainbow bracelet, which he spun after he handed Transman the drinks.
“I love those glasses man,” the young man said as he handed Transman the bag of artery-clogging delight and winked.
“Thanks,” Transman said. “Have a good one.”
“Oh I will … later,” the young man said and then he sang, “Friday! It’s Friday!”
Transman laughed and drove off so he could pick up Son 1 and the family could enjoy their slow-death-in-a-bag with fries.
“Hurry up, the show’s gonna start. You got a clear shot at the corner pocket,” Rick Danko as Transman. “Don’t rush me, man; you’re gonna harsh my mellow.” Neil Young as Transman’s big brother. Image: radiohannibal.com
Transman’s big brothers had great records. Transman “liberated” many albums from their collections over the years–the Howlin’ Wolf Chess Records box set, The Who Live at Leeds, The Rolling Stones’ Beggar’s Banquet. He’s pretty sure his big brothers saved him from a lifetime of pop music consumption and he will be forever thankful for the hours he spent in their black velvet poster-and-batik tapestry haven.
Transman is especially thankful for his middle brother’s insistance on taking the young Transman to concerts. Transman’s brother took him to see Neil Young when Transman was barely out of middle school. Transman’s parents had taken him to see Kenny Rogers and the Oak Ridge Boys that same year, so Transman’s brother decided the antidote to pop country would be Neil Young followed up with some Eric Clapton. Next on the list was the Rolling Stones–surely, that would cure Transman of Top-40 fandom forever.
When Neil played this**:
it made the hair on Transman’s arms stand up. The fuzzy guitar intro washed over the crowed and everyone stood up on their seats to clap along. That was the first time Transman felt the power of a crowd completely in tune. It was beautiful and scary and Transman was immediately hooked.
And now five tunes by musicians who didn’t need pyrotechnics and special effects to put on a show:
George Harrison … quiet, passionate, too often overshadowed.
Willie Nelson & Family … Willie and his band when they were all knee-high to a swarm of grasshoppers.
Waylon Jennings … attitude baby. And when you forget the next line, just go into a groovy jam.
Little Feat … more cowbell and white denim than the law should allow … but funky, honey.
The Band … pssssst, Robbie, we can hear you.
** You lucky dogs; Transman sneaked in a sixth song on ya.
“I’ll be lurking for you, Transman.” Dr. Paul Bearer as himself. Image: Crazedfanboy.com
My brothers used to make me watch Creature Feature every Saturday. Dr. Paul Bearer (Dick Bennick, Sr.) would introduce each week’s “horrible old movie” with bad puns, awful jokes, and terrible props. He was the old-school monster movie host–dressed in an undertaker’s black suit and speaking in a gravelly voice from his chair in the crypt set. One of the thrills of my young life was meeting Dr. Paul Bearer at our local library. Yay, library! Yay, culture! Yay, monsters!
The films that rolled across the screen were the usual 1950s B-movie schlock. My brothers watched them for the bad special effects and occasional actual scary moment. I watched them because I could relate.
“I love you, but I’m cursed.” The Wolfman as played by Lon Chaney Jr. Image: altfg.com
As a child, I probably couldn’t have put my feelings into intellectual thought, but I knew I was different from the start. And I knew I was so different that it had to be monstrous. I had to keep my true self and feelings hidden. This is why I loved werewolves and vampires from an early age. Both appear human, but have a secret that no one else can understand. Both are cursed. Neither must show their true nature or they will be killed.
All of that sounds dramatic, I know, but keep in mind I was growing up in the Deep South in the 70s. The days of the KKK burning crosses on people’s lawns weren’t such distant memory during my childhood, and the Bible Belt morality reigned supreme. When the first black kid was enrolled in my school, white kids whispered not to touch him or let him touch us because “it might rub off” — “it” being the boy’s skin color as a contagion. If people were that afraid and ignorant of difference on the racial level, one can only imagine how they would react to something like a person being transgender, something that seems invisible and therefore was maybe even more dangerous and most certainly work of the devil.
“You do know I’m dead from the neck down, don’t you?” Image: bustedmissive.blogger.com
Monsters as a metaphor for one’s “otherness” isn’t a thought that’s unique to me. Some Queer Theory scholars look at the spike in vampire literature, specifically the Anne Rice novels, during the 80s as a reaction to the AIDS crisis. In these novels there was the exchange of blood and death wrapped in sensuality that mirrored to some degree the way AIDS was spreading. Dr. Sam George of the University of Hertfordshire has written about the transformation of the vampire in modern pop culture and notes that the vampires of the 1980s were used to address disease and corruption … “it was a way to talk about AIDS. Vampires are used to bring up things we don’t want to talk about.” **
In most versions of Dracula, he comes back across the centuries in search of his love. For me, vampires represent unrequited love and the inability to have a relationship due to my body not being what I or a potential partner want. Yes, yes, girls find the vampire figure romantic, but that’s not what they want in reality. I also know transpeople do find lovers and mates who accept them for who they are, but it is very hard to shake the socialization that took place three and four decades ago, and that socialization put everything into a straight male/female binary. Damn you, Disney, for all your “happily ever after” endings!
“The first person to sing Warren Zevon gets their throat torn out. Just kidding. I love Zevon.” Image: celluloidzombie.com
Even more than vampires, I related to the werewolf. I had a feeling of being cursed by being transgender, of looking “normal” to others, but having a secret side that always threatened to escape my efforts to keep it under control. While I was growing up and far into adulthood, there was a side to me that I felt was so shameful I kept it buried as deeply as I could, but it still managed to surface all the time in my inability to conform to expected gender norms.
“How do I get in on that action?” Image: Treehugger.com
Besides the surface things like walking like a boy and having the same hobbies as the boys in my class, I also couldn’t relate to other girls and their experiences and expectations of life.*** Boys, on the other hand, well, I fit right in with them mentally and emotionally. Only my body kept me from being fully accepted as one of the guys. Once puberty hit, I didn’t fit anywhere and I was like Quasimodo up in his bell tower looking down on the square and watching life from afar.
The monster has been transformed in contemporary pop culture. Things like the Twilight series have changed the monster from a source of fear to a source of forbidden love. Ultimately, they occupy a place of pity in the reader/viewer’s imagination, which is not something I identify with. Shows like the BBC version of Being Human hold more appeal for me because I can relate to the characters’ search for friendship, love, and understanding in an increasingly alienating world where their “difference” puts them at risk for rejection, isolation, and destruction.
Being trans is not a choice. While I’m no longer ashamed of it, I would still choose to be born with brain and body in alignment. I’ve somewhat come to grips with the fact that I’m trans and that it isn’t my fault that I was born this way, but it’s still hard to shake that feeling that once the villagers know the truth they will chase me down with their pitchforks and torches.
And now because I don’t want to leave you totally depressed, please enjoy these tunes:
“You are an excellent weirtr even if I have thought your writing seems sad sometimes! I am so glad you are honest! The truth will set you free, is true! I love you and I am so blessed to be your Mom!”
“Remember, Transman, beauty is pain.” Greta Garbo as Transman’s mom. Image: art.com
Now, Transman’s biomother died when Transman was a teenager. She was a glamorous woman who wore gauzy gowns, smoked Virginia Slims, and sifted through items in antique stores, declaring, “It’s hideous! I love it!”
She smoked more than Keith Richards and Transman has asthma. Of course, when she exhaled, the smoke drifted right to Transman who would have a coughing fit. His mother would raise one beautifully arched brow and say, “smoke follows beauty, dear.” When she said things like that, Transman thought, will you ever stop mocking me?
Transman has no doubt his mother would have loved her handsome son (for I dress better in guy mode than I ever did in girl mode even if I do have a wacky Willy Wonka bent for mixing patterns that shouldn’t be in the same room, much less in the same outfit). She would have supported his writing career because she was a voracious reader–she was a two-pack-a-day smoker and a two-book-a-day reader.
After ruminating on his memories of Mom for a bit, Transman started to think about his Botmom.
Transman was curious about the bot that claims to be his mother. First he pictured Queen Noor of Jordan, but then he figured she’s too busy to be reading blogs. Then he pictured Lebanese singer Nour, but figured he’s old enough to be her father. No, it had to be a woman of a certain age who had a little more time for surfing the ‘Net.
Finally, he figured it must this unnamed Bedouin woman:
“I’ve always loved your weirtrng even though it is a bit sad.” Image: photographium.com 1
Transman wants her for his Mamabot because she looks sassy and any mother of Transman has to be sassy.**
To all his Mamas, Transman says, “I love you!” and then, “May I have a sandwich? Preferably one not made of SPAM.”
Transman, despite all his coolness, does not own a time machine and hasn’t actually traveled ahead a few hours to the blessed day of Friday, but he be may out of posting range for a couple of days and he can’t leave y’all without a happy tune or two to finish off your workend and move you into the weekend.
Toots Hibbert has one of the coolest voices on the planet–soulful, funky, and expressive. And if you haven’t seen the movie this clip is taken from, The Harder They Come, check it out some time.
Don’t let the Harlequin pants throw you; Desmond Dekker was just anticipating the arrival of Le Clown* on the scene.
Don Drummond & Roland Alphonso in a battle of the brass
Grab a bottle of Red Stripe and your honey for this stalking song that predates “Every Breath You Take” by a couple of decades.
The Skatalites. Half these guys are about 170 years old, but they have enough energy and stamina to power Lithuania for a month.
* He needs no introduction of course, but I’ll save you the trouble of typing in the URL yourself: http://clownonfire.wordpress.com/
“Transman, sorry we didn’t get to catch up when I was in town. Here’s mud (and pineapple juice) in your eye!” David Dickerson as himself. Image: davidellisdickerson.com
If you like smart, funny, thoughtful writing, check out David Ellis Dickerson. He’s currently on a bus trip across the U.S. working on a travel book with a twist. Read more about it on his blog:
"I brought you into this world; I can take you out of it!" Gary Oldman as Transman. "Stop quoting Bill Cosby, you old bastard!" Jack White as Transman's son. Image: facebook.com
The other night Transman and his older son were sitting on the couch and Transman’s son said, “What the hell is that?” and pointed to a wiry white hair on Transman’s forearm.
“It’s a white hair,” Transman said.
“Yeah, but it’s curly,” Transman’s son said.
The boy-man leaned over and inspected Transman’s arm.
“I think you have more hair on your arms than me,” the lad said glumly. (If you’ve been following Transman at all, you know he and his teenage son are in a mustache/body hair growing contest. If you haven’t been following, well … welcome to the weirdness that is our world.)
Transman put his leg up on the coffee table and rubbed the hair on his calf.
“I can grow my own socks,” Transman announced.
Boy-man raised the bottom of his shirt and rubbed the hair circling his belly button. This is the lad’s trump card. So far, he is winning the chest hair portion of the competition. To fully understand Transman’s deep-seated resentment of those who sprout chest pelts, please see this: http://theadventuresoftransman.com/2012/02/25/envy-of-a-fur-shirt/
Transman did what any self-respecting man would do and put Boy-man in a headlock and gave him a noogie. Boy-man shoved a finger in Transman’s arm pit and dug in, using his patented fight move, “The Devil’s Tickle.” The pair slid to the floor in a pushing-shoving-wrestling frenzy that was only broken up by the appearance of youngest member of the clan who jumped on the pair like a cowboy dropping onto a saddle bronc at the rodeo.
The youngest fella has boney heels that hurt more than real spurs when he kicks and the boy was doing his best mule imitation. Transman and Boy-man stopped wrestling and crawled back to their respective corners of the couch to lick their wounds and comb their fur back into place.
The youngest plopped down between them and said, “When are you two going to grow up?”
* * * * * * * * * *
Since it’s Friday, you need some tunes. Jack White’s American Express UNSTAGED is tonight at 9 p.m. at: youtube.com/JackWhiteVEVO
Here’s a sneak peek of Jack and actor-turned-director Gary Oldman wrestling around on the floor and Jack playing some tunes with the band:
