Who wants to go for walksies?

"Well, Gatita, we've made it to the end of the sidewalk. We'd better turn around and go home," Cary Grant as Transman.

“Well, Gatita, we’ve made it to the end of the sidewalk. We’d better turn around and go home,” Cary Grant as Transman.

Transman now lives in a neighborhood where people walk their dogs or ride their bikes. Some crazy fools even jog. He has decided to take up walking so he can fit in better (and possibly get fit at the same time). Since he probably won’t get his cats leash-trained any time soon, Transman is considering looking into hourly dog rentals so can have a friend to walk with who will listen to him grouse about his day without going off on a litany of their own complaints; you know how that goes–“… and then the boss walked in while I was making copies of my elbow…”–“Oh, that’s nothing! Listen to what happened to me! I was on the way to work when a goose riding a cow stopped right in my path and I had to swerve around them and…”

Obligatory ‘Reverse Barbie’ Post

"Just hold still, we're almost done here," Jack Pierce and assistant as Dr. Garramone and assistant. Boris Karloff as Transman.

“Just hold still, we’re almost done here,” Jack Pierce and assistant as Dr. Garramone and assistant. Boris Karloff as Transman.

Gentle readers, you have been so kind to follow along on Transman’s journey and many of you know that Transman hated his chest until a few short weeks ago.

From the time he was 11 and those horrible little buds appeared, Transman dreamed of a chest so flat it would make Nebraska look downright hilly. (For the record, Transman knows that Nebraska and Kansas are both not even in the top 10 of “Flattest States in the Union;” in fact, his present state is No. 1 in pancake-like appearance.)

Almost a month ago, Transman made the trip to glamorously sleek (read: flat with lots of pink stucco and palm trees) South Florida to commence Operation Reverse Barbie™. Because none of the surgeons in his home town would even give Transman a consultation, he decided, “To hell with all y’all, I’m hiring the rock star surgeon!” and that’s what he did, by golly!

Transman is very pleased he did.

Oh sure, some people might look at Transman’s chest and see:

Aaron Eckhart's "I, Frankenstein" chest makeup.

Aaron Eckhart’s “I, Frankenstein” chest makeup (but, unfortunately, not his abs).

But Transman looks in the mirror and sees:

Michelangelo's David.

Michelangelo’s David.

There are several good pieces out there about people’s experiences with top surgery including this one by Maddox, and this one by Rae, and this whole series of posts by a mysterious “20-something.” If you’re still curious, check out different surgeon’s sites or read more from other folks who’ve had the procedure done. Joshua contributes articles for several publications, but his blog is chock full of information, too. And, Eli has several detailed pieces about all aspects of the process.

Since there’s a wealth of information already out there, Transman figures you’re in good hands on the hows and whys of things, so he will share the oddities since that is his specialty.

Back-sleeping sucks if  you have spent your entire life sleeping in any other configuration. My goodness, how Transman longs to roll over onto his side at night! But, alas, the doctor said, “No! You must sleep on your back for six weeks!” Transman attempts to make himself a little nest that will make the back-sleeping more tolerable, but that just encourages the cats to come knead on his chest as he lays there helpless like a turtle in his pile of pillows. (Okay, he does enjoy having a purring cat cuddling up against him–it’s sort of like a combination hot-water bottle and white-noise machine. But the claws! Oh, the claws!) Two more weeks of this:

"I dreamt that Transman used my photo again," Edward Gorey thinks.

“I dreamed that Transman used my photo again,” Edward Gorey thinks.

Nipples are hella sensitive even when they are numb. What?! Sure, that doesn’t make sense, but trust Transman on this. When the doctor gives you new nipples, you won’t feel them, but you will feel them. Every thing that brushes against them for at least three weeks will make you swear they are on F-I-R-E! FIRE! But, if you accidentally-on-purpose touch them, you won’t be sure if you can actually feel it. Oh, it’s so hard to explain, not unlike a late 1960s movie starring Dennis Hopper and Peter Fonda.

"Do you see me? Do you feel me? Can you hear what color my brain is?" (The Trip 1967)

“Do you see me? Do you feel me? Can you hear what color my brain is?” (The Trip 1967)

T. Rex arms are possibly the most frustrating thing ever. Do you know how many things require a person to reach more than six inches away from their body? Almost everything! The doctor told Transman not to stretch for things or reach over his head for several weeks after the surgery, and Transman has tried to follow the doctor’s orders even if it means only things already sitting on the counter can be made for supper. On the up side, Transman got out of cooking, housekeeping, and shaving for weeks because he had “limited arm movement.” He did feel like an ass making his sisters schlep everything around for him, though. Sherpa had to carry both cats to the vet for him and haul his luggage and his groceries while Transman stood around looking like a jerk.

"Let's see...I picked up Transman's fawn from the vet, got his stupid almond milk, he asked for a magazine..." Audrey Hepburn as Sherpa.

“Let’s see…I picked up Transman’s fawn from the vet, got his stupid almond milk, saltines to go with the soup–and, oh crap, he asked for a magazine…” Audrey Hepburn as Sherpa.

Oh, Universe, you are such a trickster!

"Ooh, that Transman is just scandalous!"

“Ooh, that Transman is just scandalous!”

Transman and Son(s) have been working on Halloween decorations to scare the pee out of trick-or-treaters in the neighborhood and they came up with the idea of making a haunted swamp/Mardi Gras/voodoo extravaganza on the front lawn and porch. Well, what is a haunted swamp without alligators and what is Mardi Gras without some dancers? While he contemplated just luring the gators at the local golf course over to the lawn for the evening, Transman decided it was probably safer for everyone to simply make a giant papier-mâché gator.

For the ghostly dancers, the Transclan got crafty and made dummies. Now, if you’ve ever made dummies, well, you’re a step ahead of Transman. Unsurprisingly, Transman took the lazy man’s route and came up with the brilliant plan to stuff pantyhose with pool noodles and duct tape two sets together to make the bodies. During the planning stages, Transman realized the girl dancer needed a more feminine shape that could probably be achieved through that miracle of engineering and textile design called a bra, so he found himself at a big box store buying four pairs of pantyhose and the cheapest bra he could find. (If you’ve just tuned in to the Adventures of Transman, you likely missed the episode where Transman ridded himself of his moobs [well, technically, a super talented surgeon ridded Transman of moobs, but you get the idea].) If you are a regular reader,  you probably understand why Transman chuckled to himself about the world and its ironies as he left the store with the bag of lacy underthings.


Transman consulted Google maps but could not find the Beauty Zone anywhere.

Moving up in the ranks

George Clooney and Amal Alamuddin tied the knot in Venice today, and while there are much more important things going on in the world, almost nothing is as important as the fact that Transman now has one less competitor for the World’s Most Handsome Graying Bachelor. Thank you for stepping aside, George. Congratulations!

"Where did you get that T-shirt? You look like that slob Transman!"

“Where did you get that T-shirt? You look like that slob Transman!” Amal Alamuddin chastises her husband. “Well, actually, it is Transman’s,” George confesses. “We used to hang out.”

No more moobs

"I would like some more ginger ale and Vicodin, please," Leonard Nimoy as Transman.

“I would like some more ginger ale and Vicodin, please,” Leonard Nimoy as Transman.

Operation Reverse Barbie was a success, Gentle Readers! The highlights for now:

Dr. Garramone really does rock (and has great paintings in his office).

Daisy got Son 2 a pack of Poo-dough, which makes her the “Best Aunt Ever!” (Poo-dough even comes with corn-shaped molds for extra realism.)

Finally, Transman’s college buddy came over and took him to the surgery and took good care of him afterwards–although, there was a dangerous amount of laughter. “It’s not a party until somebody pops a stitch!”

Thank you all for your happy thoughts this week! I am pretty sure that helped everything go so smoothly!


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