Not by the hair of my chinny-chin-chin

Transman's chin as itself.

Transman’s chin as itself.

Transman has been letting the scraggle on his chin grow for a couple of weeks. He knows he looks weirdly teenagerish for a man his age, but he digs having a little scruff all of his own.

Transman figured no one had noticed his new look because, well, as you can see from the accompanying photo, gentle reader, the fuzz on Transman’s face really is hard to see without a magnifying glass. However, twice last week he received compliments on his foray into facial hair. A coworker was chatting with him and told him she liked his beard. Yes, she actually used the word “beard,” which Transman thought was generous of her.

A day or so later, Transman’s boss stopped into his office to talk about an a project and in the midst of things, Bossman stopped and said, “I like this” and gestured around his chin after pointing at the fuzz on Transman’s face. “You should let it grow,” Bossman said.

“You need to pick a favorite sports team,” Bossman continued.

“Or start a jazz band,” Transman countered.

“That would work, too,” Bossman said, “but, you look like you could follow soccer.” Transman decided not to quibble about the word “football” with the man who signs his checks.

Even though Transman’s facial hair is very adolescent looking, Transman can’t bear to shave it off. He is trying to convince himself that he can pull off boyish scraggle long past when other dudes his age have burst into full-blown Grizzly Adams facial hair capability. He has several baby-faced folks to look at for inspiration in being follicly challenged:

"You just wanted to make sure Allison read this post, right? By the way, having floppy hair is also a great way to get attention," Johnny Depp says.

“You just wanted to make sure Alison reads this post, right? By the way, having floppy hair is also a great way to get attention from the ladies,” Johnny Depp says.

"Do I care that I'm pushing forty and still look 28? Ha!" Leonardo DiCaprio scoffs at Transman's concerns.

“Do I care that I’m pushing forty and still look 25? Ha!” Leonardo DiCaprio scoffs at Transman’s concerns.

"I'm only home alone on a Saturday night when I *choose* to do," Mr. Bloom said with a wink.

“I’m only home alone on a Saturday night when I *choose* to do so,” Mr. Bloom said with a wink.

 

 


I have to shave twice a week!

Over the weekend, Transman discovered wispy little whiskers on the sides of his face–yes, that’s right: Sideburns. He might be getting overly excited. They’re not quite like this:

"Don't worry, Transman; one day you'll be a hunka hunka burnin' love," Elvis says.

“Don’t worry, Transman; one day you’ll be a hunka hunka burnin’ love,” Elvis says.

They’re more like this:

"...and in two years, I'll be able to grow a mustache of my very own!" Anonymous Teenager as Transman.

“…and in two years, I’ll be able to grow a mustache of my very own!” Anonymous Teenager as Transman.

To celebrate, Transman’s getting out his disco ball and spinnin’ some tunes featuring musicians with stupendous sideburns–

Almost everyone in Sly and the Family Stone had great sideburns.

All right, this doesn’t show James Brown with his best set of sideburns ever, but a) it’s a knockout performance, b) that shirt he’s wearing is fantastic, and c) the bit where he and Sammy Davis Jr. riff is gold–gold, I tell ya!

Lemmy has looked the same since 1969. In fact, he was born with a mustache and mutton chops.

Chuck Negron of Three Dog Night had sideburns and better hair than any Breck Girl!

This clip of Link Wray playing “Rawhide” was filmed when only his guitar had fuzz, but do yourself a favor and check out some of his other stuff–especially his self-titled 1971 album that is full of bluesy goodness, country harmonies, and his always inventive experiments with sound.

Since we opened with him, we’ll close with the King. A very young, peachfuzzy Elvis on the Louisiana Hayride:

EDITED:

"Transman left me off the list of great musicians with even greater sideburns? Oh well," David Lindley shrugs off the slight and keeps on playing.

“Transman left me off the list of great musicians with even greater sideburns? Oh well,” David Lindley shrugs off the slight and keeps on playing.


Treading water

"Oh, Transman, come swimming with us! Pretty please!"

“Oh, Transman, come swimming with us! Pretty please! We can play Marco Polo!” Buster Keaton as Transman surrounded by a bunch of bathing beauties.

"The rules of Marco Polo clearly state you are not allowed to get out of the pool and walk to the deep end!"

“The rules of Marco Polo clearly state you are not allowed to get out of the pool and walk to the deep end to avoid being tagged!”

Every night Transman and sons go swimming in the neighborhood pool. For various reasons, we all wear rash guards–Transman to hide his moobs; the boys because most of their friends do (teenage boys suffer from body image issues, too). A little boy who has been hanging around with Son 2 was at the pool the other night and asked us why we wore shirts to swim. Instead of saying “Nunya!” (which translates to “none of your business!”), Transman told him a truth: “Skin cancer runs in my family.” But, honestly, Transman would love to swim without a shirt just like he did when he was a kid. One summer soon, this will be Transman:

Because nothing says summer like a pipe and cut-out swim trunks.

Because nothing says summer like a pipe and spiffy red cut-out swim trunks.


‘Does this look okay?’

"Get rid of the big collar; it's not 1976," George Clooney as Transman. Brad Pitt as Intern Man.

“Get rid of the big collar; it’s not 1976,” George Clooney as Transman. Brad Pitt as Intern.

Transman likes to think he possesses some sartorial wisdom, but it’s never actually been proven. The closest he’s come to validation was when the intern came to him at work one morning before everyone else arrived and asked, “does this tie go with this shirt?” as he gingerly fingered the tie–(which did, in fact, go with the shirt; the lad’s concerns were understandable, though: he was being bold by mixing patterns; however, he had lucked into having patterns that had echoing elements and the dominant colors in the shirt and tie were complementary.) Transman didn’t explain that, though. He just said, “Yep,” and then passed along the tip that “if you wear anything with confidence, you’ll be fine; most people don’t know what does and doesn’t match anyway. Your attitude will fool them.”

And now, a portrait of Transman as style mentor:

"You do look sharp, but you might want to consider classic cuts and fabrics. In five years, you'll see a picture of yourself in that jacket and think, 'what the hell?'" Clooney as Transman the blowhard.

“You do look sharp, but you might want to consider classic cuts and fabrics. In five years, you’ll see a picture of yourself in that jacket and think, ‘what the hell?’” Clooney as Transman the blowhard. 

"No matter what you're wearing, make sure it fits properly. While your clothes should never be baggy or too tight, you never know when a game of croquet will break out; always make sure your shirts give you room to swing a mallett."

“No matter what you’re wearing, make sure it fits properly. While your clothes should never be baggy or too tight, you never know when a game of croquet will break out; always make sure your shirts give you room to swing a mallet.” 

"How's this tie?" Intern asks while standing on Transman's foot. "Tie's okay ... did your barber die?" a humorless Transman responds.

“How’s this tie?” Intern asks while standing on Transman’s foot. “The tie’s okay … did your barber die?” a humorless Transman responds.

"I got my haircut!" Intern announces. "Much improved. Get rid of the sunglasses, though. You're an editor, not a rock star."

“I got my hair cut!” Intern announces. “Much improved. Get rid of the sunglasses, though. You’re an editor, not a rock star,” the impossible-to-please Transman responds. 

"Drop the hat. It makes you look like a hipster douchebag," Transman says. "Lay off, Old Man!" Intern shows some spunk.

“Drop the hat. It makes you look like a hipster douchebag,” Transman says. “Lay off, Old Man!” Intern responds, showing some spunk.

"How about this? Is this okay?" Intern asks. "I've taught you well, my son," Transman finally gives grudging approval.

“How about this? Is this okay?” Intern asks. “I’ve taught you well, my son,” Transman finally gives grudging approval.

 


‘Dude, check out the hottie’

"You seen the hottie that just moved in across the hall?" Pat Harrington as The Super.

“You seen that showstoppin’ sweet thang that just moved in across the hall?” Pat Harrington as The Maintenance Guy.

Transman’s got a new buddy and the situation is stra-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-nge. Transman and sons recently moved into a new  apartment and Son 2 struck up a friendship with the only other kid in the entire complex: the son of one of the guys on the maintenance team.

This is the first time Transman has had social time with someone who saw him as male from the start and knows nothing about his history. And, while it’s cool to be accepted as one of the guys, it’s also sort of Crazy Town.

Transman and his new pal were sitting on the porch shooting the breeze while the kids were running around. They talked about jobs, cars, school zones, apartments versus houses, and single parenting. As they talked, a car pulled up and a young woman got out and went into the apartment upstairs.

Transman’s new buddy watched her with an appreciative smile and said, “There’s all kinds of hotties moving in here lately.”

Transman made a non-committal noise and thought about how weird it was to be casually objectifying the neighbor woman.

On the one hand, it is great to be that totally accepted as another guy–even, he supposes, with the heteronormative assumption that T-man would be straight and cool with ogling the 20-something neighbor who is, in reality, young enough to be his daughter. Let’s face it, Transman is no Jack Nicholson and could not get away with being this creepy:

On the other hand, Transman is now full of anxiety about when/if his new best bud finds out that Transman did not start out life looking like a dude. This is the first time the family has sort of had to negotiate these waters. While Son 2 did nearly out him to a school chum, Transman isn’t as anxious about that environment because there seems to be less chance for real in-depth talk and probing. This new situation is on Transman’s home turf. If the kids become super friendly (likely), then the parents will be hanging out together more often–more time for discussions about family dynamics between the kids and more time for Transman’s new bud to observe him.

Son 2 has already been put on the spot by Neighbor Kid. Transman overheard the boy asking Son 2 about where his mother was and whether his parents had ever been married. Without missing a beat, Son 2 said his mother lived in the country where Ex comes from. The whole conversation was kind of sad and weird. While Transman is glad his son improvised for the sake of privacy, he feels bad that Son 2 has to be anything but honest and open with his friends.

"Off the four! Hey, did you see the gams on the chick in Apartment 26?" Art Carney as the Maintenance Guy. "You ... are a mental case; just take your shot," Jackie Gleason as Transman.

“Off the four! Hey, did you see the gams on the dame in Apartment 26?” Art Carney as the Maintenance Guy. “You … are a mental case; just take your shot,” Jackie Gleason as Transman.


Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 773 other followers

%d bloggers like this: